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My mother fell, broke a hip, had surgery, spent two months in rehab and decided to go back to her home. Her care team told her to return home she would be required to have 24 hour care. We have been telling her that this care is a requirement to return home. She was discharged yesterday and immediately started in that she neither needs or wants anyone in her home. She is a one person assist to do most everything. I spent the day going in and out of her home to be sure things went smoothly. When the first shift change of help happened she started getting agitated. The second shift change came and she blew up. My phone started ringing at midnight with my mother screaming at me to get these people out of her house. Then she wanted me to move in with her. I got out of bed and drove to her house. When I arrived she unloaded on me say I was a liar and never told her she had to have help . I explained to her we had been telling her each day that to go home she needed care 24/7. I asked her if she remembered conversations with the social worker. She said I never paid any attention. I know today she will try to kick the care people out. She has a history of doing this too. After a fall several years ago she wouldn’t let the VNA nurses in the house. I am her POA, but the rehab didn’t invoke the healthcare proxy so she is making decisions. If the providers leave she will fall down. The social worker said she might invoke an order of protection and give the state control. My mother is a control freak and can get very nasty when she doesn’t get her way. I have contacted her attorney as well requesting to be removed as POA. I have endured her abuse going on two years. I have spent nearly every day with her in that time to be sure she was safe, but two falls in the last six months tell me that the rehab was correct in her needing care. I begged her to allow help in the home and always got no for an answer. Here we are now on day two of being home and she is giving the in home providers a terrible time. Her behavior is affecting my health too. I don’t know where to turn,

I agree to let the State take over and step back. It sounds to me like Mom has gotten away with being a nasty, abusive tyrant for years and there’s no stopping her now. You have spent those years placating her, responding immediately to her rages (the midnight meltdown) and cleaning up her messes for her. In-home caregivers are in high demand and also in short supply. They can pick and choose their situations and don’t need to be in one that offers not much more than a difficult, combative and abusive client.

Explain to Mom that you are done. Finished. Kaput. What she chooses to do now with her life and recovery is up to her. Have your POA revoked so you will no longer be responsible for her if she takes flyers in her home. She has exhausted your good will and desire to help.
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Awful situation for you but I think you are approaching it absolutely spot-on perfectly. You first of all are not saying YOU will move in or SHE can move in, and that is WISE. You are also trying to get the POA taken away. I believe that you can do that. And I think it should be coordinated with the social worker. Let the state provide a guardian who will move Mom back into care. As you say, you have endured the abuse 2 years. That is quite enough. Whether for reasons of dementia or not, Mom is at present impossible to deal with. She will have to be dealt with but let it be NOT BY YOU. Throw yourself into the arms of the Social Worker. If that does not work, tell the Social Worker that you are resigning POA, walking away. And if you have to, do that. Whatever you do, do not move in with Mom or hear any suggestion that she move in with you.
Good luck and hope that you will keep us updated.
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rovana Aug 31, 2019
It should be not too hard to resign POA - not as if Mom has to give permission. Just check that any legal steps you need to take are taken and POA is properly resigned.  Since she has not been declared incompetent, resigning POA should be relatively simple.
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Somehow you need to make it clear what your boundaries are and then deal consequences when mom violates them.  Not easy for decent, kindly people, but necessary in fairness to you and your family.  You are being abused, probably for a long time, and mom has no more right to do that than she would if you were a little kid.  Nobody is anybody else's lawful prey.   Have you started to look at the possibilities of what the social worker advises? What APS can do and not do for this situation?  Play hard ball here.  You are not moving into her home to caregive - she is not moving into your home.  Absolutely no negotiation and you must make that clear to her. Now if she refuses caregivers at her home and will not budge then you are going to follow social worker's advice, report her to APS as a vulnerable senior with the aim of getting her under state supervision. It probably seems like "I can't force her into a nursing home" but there may be ways of getting the state to take over - indirect ways like letting her try to live alone and then siccing APS on her as a danger to herself.  Calling the health department. Etc. etc. You will probably have to be tough and determined here, but after all it needs to be done, doesn't it?  For her sake, as well as yours.   She needs a realistic look into her future. But you need to be clear in your mind, united with spouse and family, that you will not move into her house, nor she into yours, so she can move into facility, hire home caregivers or you will sicc the nanny state on her. Graphic details of what that might mean for her might be good.
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JimL1953 Sep 4, 2019
Last night it all came to a head. She kicked the aides out. She was threatening to call the police and have them arrested. When I arrived I spoke first to the aide and then my mother. My mother wasn’t going to listen to anyone at that point. I asked if letting the agency go was her final decision and she said I don’t want anyone in my home. She yelled at me a bit telling me yet again nobody told her she had to have help in the house. I then told my mother I had no choice but to file with APS which I did. They are due to see her today. I am hoping they remove her from the home.
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I went through this with my mom, after she had back surgery last year. She was in a nursing home, complained, bitched at me to take her home... I caved took her home, had home healthcare, she kept pushes the appointments further and further till the company finally dropped her. She didn't want anyone in the house. When she finally wanted home healthcare, she was too weak to do the physical therapy . So now, she's back in the nursing home, this time, for good. As with your mom, if she keeps going on like this, she will end up in a nursing home, permanently. No if's, ands, buts about it. She NEEDS 24/7 care, weather that's at home or at a facility. I agree to get removed of being her POA. Have the state take over, I can understand if she has dementia or other mental idleness's, but if she is in her sound mind and the doctor has not declared her incompetent, then there's not much you can do for her at this point. You can't force anyone to get better, not even your own parents. Stay out of it. Get your name off the POA, ASAP ! And move on with your life. I wish you the best of luck .
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MargaretMcKen Sep 1, 2019
Miku, this gives more explanation to your own thread. Your mother absorbed all your physical and emotional energy, and now you are feeling lost. Same thing for Jim (OP here). I have worked with clients who have had to cope with the Drama Queen stuff, and feel quite lost when it goes away. One more reason for you and Jim to draw a line in the sand so that you can get your lives back on a reasonable and realistic track.
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Jim, I have a couple more suggestions, besides seeing a lawyer about your own rights. The first is to make an appointment to see the Ombudsman, whose job it is to look at unfair decisions made by Government agencies. APS should not be the final arbiters on this. The second is to arrange a month’s holiday somewhere else and not let anyone know where you are (this includes getting a second phone with a different number). Then let the chips fall where they may.
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JimL1953 Sep 6, 2019
I have honestly had enough of dealing with bureaucracy. They just sent me a message that they think having a social worker speak with us will solve the problem and that they could offer other services. I responded to the message by saying, she just threw out the aides helping her and you think she is going to let somebody else in the house . I like the idea of a vacation. I just finished putting together a response to my mother. Basically it states I will no longer enable your bad behavior. You have made decisions and will have to live with the consequence of them . I am going to return to living my life. A second phone is a good idea too as she has been calling me asking why I am not at her house. Now that she got her way getting home she will start to push for me to move there. Not happening.
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Your story is frightening :( I see shades of it beginning in my life with my mother and I am ready to just run away and leave town. Please come here to vent and keep us updated. This site has helped me keep my sanity and also not just dump on all of my friends all the time.
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This sounds like a very chaotic and stressful situation for you.

Does your mom understand that the alternative to having in-home care is a nursing home? She may not realize this. I'm not suggesting that you threaten her to get her to fall in line but maybe she doesn't understand the consequences of refusing help. I would imagine that the rehab facility she was in prior to coming home explained this to her.

Give the in-home care a little more time. Your mom may acclimate to it and even come to appreciate it. The agency you're using should be sending people who are especially kind and even-keeled and know how to make someone feel special. The agency will know who has special talents in one area or another.

This is day 2. Give it a chance. It may work itself out.
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JimL1953 Sep 2, 2019
We started to prepare my mom from the beginning of August. I did printouts with large lettering she would be able to read stating exactly what we had to do in either situation. I stated in order to return home she had to have care 24/7. That was a requirement her care team made. The other option at the time was to stay where she was which was my choice,but because she was allowed to decide I knew it would be home. I knew in my gut that everything happening now would occur. I have calls into the social worker and attorney,but being a holiday weekend I doubt I will hear from either until tomorrow.
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So here is an update. Protective services visited my mother today and because she is making decisions I have no say. She is allowed to fire the aides and it all falls back on me again. They are going to leave her in place. They said to me you have to go check on her daily and be sure she is eating and such. I told her that I had asked to have a guardian appointed. Silence. I asked where were you all last night when she went on a tirade. She said it didn't matter and it was her choice. I said yes it might be her choice .but you just put it all back in my hands. I don't even know what to say right now. I am livid.
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worriedinCali Sep 4, 2019
OMG. What in the hell? What about YOUR choice? I am LIVID for you. APS is in the wrong here I believe. You can resign as POA and walk away. Your mother has the choice to live as she wants. But she does NOT get to choose for you. honestly I would be calling an elder attorney and seeking real advice if I was you. This isn’t right. If our parents get to have their choice, so do we. You should not be forced to be an accomplice to your mother’s poor decisions!
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" They said to me you have to go check on her daily and be sure she is eating and such. I told her that I had asked to have a guardian appointed. Silence. I asked where were you all last night when she went on a tirade. She said it didn't matter and it was her choice. I said yes it might be her choice .but you just put it all back in my hands."

They always want to dump the responsibility on the family (I'm referring to post-hospitalization or rehab), but your post above is even worse, in my opinion. I am outraged on your behalf! How DARE they?

They canNOT determine what YOU do. Please do as Margaret suggests. They are WRONG!
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JimL1953 Sep 6, 2019
It will get sorted out. I know it’s not right. The first agent I spoke with from APS was of a different mind. Because she was in Boston they transferred the case to our demographic, hence the second agent .
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That doctor has no authority to tell you that you have to stay with someone that he is allowing to go home because she can make her own decisions.

I would file a complaint with the administration of the hospital. That is such bunco that you are being ordered by a doctor. No, they can not do that. You can go home and call APS to report a vulnerable senior living alone.

She only wins if you buy into the lie the doctor tried to feed you. Talk about a god complex. I have actually told a doctor that I will not be able to do that, however they are welcome to give up their lives to do it. Amazing how fast they ordered rehab.

Go home and let her live the consequences of bad choices.
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