Can an only child relinquish DPOA of a parent with dementia?

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My MIL is diagnosed with dementia, her son, an only-child is DPOA. I'm sure there's dementia present, but she also has presence of mind to manipulate situations when she sees it necessary. For example, she coordinated with an assisted living facility to be moved to their location from a care facility. In the five years or so we've lived together we have moved her 6 times. We warned the new location of her manipulative & sometimes violent behaviors, but they still took her in. When she become violent with other residents and staff at the new location they transferred her to a Psych facility. Knowing she'd done wrong, out came the sweet woman we know can exist, and Psych sent her back to the Assisted Living location. Assisted living sent a letter of eviction. He called and told Management all of the locations in town and surrounding she's been 'unwelcome' from and basically said I don't want her anymore, nor does anyone else, put her on the street, I don't care. I know it sounds harsh, and I say that I wouldn't let him if he really wanted to, but if it came to her in our home, we would have a problem. Anyway the conversation with AL director & Case Manager ended with them saying they would 'take care of it.' All of the sudden she's turned sweet as pie again- and we haven't heard from the director or case manager so when March rent came out of her account- we assumed they were keeping her. Today we received an email from her Hospice Nurse stating the Director of facility had begun court proceedings for eviction. I am going to call tomorrow and schedule a sit down with Director / Case Manager / Hospice and/or whoever will sit down with the both of us for next week, in the mean-time what should we be preparing for? How do we have her permanently placed in a Psych or where? My husband is literally ready to wash his hands of her, he's been dealing with this routine over 10 years. We hope to celebrate 3 years of sobriety from alcohol in June, but she's really pushing it.

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Your husband can resign as DPOA, but considering MIL's mental state, you would be wise to consult an elder law attorney so that all the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. All legal requirements are satisfied and you cannot get in trouble for abandonment or neglect.
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You should hire an elder law attorney.
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My beloved stepmother was taking too much medication, and did abnormal and combative things while under the influence. We had a talk with her doctor, he changed the meds and dosage, and she turned more willful and uncooperative. We begged her to take care of herself, as she didn't really have dementia at that time (has been diagnosed since), but she refused and the doctor finally said she needs 24 hour care. I still feel guilty about her being in a nursing home, but she seems quite happy there so at least that's worked out. My father died in Oct 2015, and she went in the hospital, and from there, to the nursing home. They are experienced in dealing with recalcitrant patients, but my stepmother has been very sweet and cooperative for the most part. She does refuse to go to exercise or eat in the dining room, and is content with her meals on a tray and a TV in her room. Fortunately, she has excellent military insurance from my father, and once we had a court appointed guardian (long story involving her son stealing thousands of dollars using his POA, which we had revoked, and his sister being the cause of my father's death), the guardian took care of the estate sale, sale of the house and land, and paying all monthly bills. While the nursing home isn't as nice as I would have liked it's near enough to her son that he visits weekly so she's happy. She's apparently forgotten all the trauma, drama, and financial costs he and his sister (her children) caused, and that's just as well. I live too far away, as does my other sister, and she needs to have someone to love. He can't hurt her now, and I'm reassured that she's being well cared for. So there are institutions that can care for your MIL, and you can certainly revoke the POA and allow a court-appointed guardian to see to her financial needs. Any inheritance will be eaten up, but you'll have the peace of mind knowing she's safe and you're not forced to live with constant drama. To me, that's worth a lot more than money!
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Yes, your spouse can refuse to act as M-I-L's agent under DPOA. If she is not able to make her own decisions, and there is no one to act under the DPOA (did she name an alternate?), then probably either the facility, or hospital, or bank, will ask the court to appoint a professional guardian or conservator, who is entitled to be paid for their services. And if M-I-L has any money, she will also get to pay the court and attorney fees in connection with her guardianship petition. Sometimes the thought of paying a stranger and an attorney several thousand dollars is enough to bring them back to their senses. (Avoiding guardianship is one of the main reasons to have a DPOA.) Good luck.

My other thought is that some elders love the drama so much, they see how far they can push. She loves to see you and your spouse jump, and if you and spouse disagree, that makes for even better entertainment. Now she is on the brink of eviction, the director has initiated court proceedings. If you tell her that spouse intends to resign as POA so that court will have to appoint someone else to handle her legal problems, what would her reaction be? Do you think she would come around to spouse's terms, going forward? She pushes, you push back. You have to, for your own sanity and health.
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Will the Psych facility take her back, given her current actions at AL? With DPOA, don't you have that option?
Of course, if he'd rather be done with her totally, is he willing to have her be a ward of the State? Resign as DPOA. Then, he could possibly visit her, but would probably have NO say in where she lives or her care.
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Assisted Living should have had a psych doctor have a look....surprised they didn't to that at the beginning!! My dad had a fight (of "fight or flight") response when he had his neurological shift. I felt it was out of fear and confusion. It was really scary! However, the med, Depokate stabilized his mood...then they added Escitalopram (for obvious anxiety) and he calmed down.
Maybe it's not too late for something like this??
I'm not one to push drugs, yet it certainly was a game-changer for us!!

All the best for your family!!
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Just MHO, but do you think MIL may need to be in Memory Care? My mom could be combative and manipulative as well, and even though she’s been gone since November of 2016, I still consider myself lucky the SNF didn’t boot her out and no lawsuits were brought against us by the families of the people she attacked. We finally all got on the same page and when a bed became available, she was placed in what amounted to lockdown. When she smacked a guy and he smacked her back, the violence almost stopped.

You absolutely need to protect yourselves and your marriage. I understand. Taking care of my bedridden hubby is destroying me, physically, financially and emotionally. If I had the wherewithal to place him, I would. You get to the point where you need to put yourselves first. Good luck!
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My father was angry and argumentative in the beginning with early dementia. Mematine has helped him over the past three years, he is calm and doesn’t argue with anyone. His strength and stamina with heart failure has declined rapidly in the past month. His dementia has escalated as well. The neurologist needed to declare him unable to make decisions before we could take control of all decisions. This isn’t helpful to you now I’m sure but I share your pain with DPOA.
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Yes, your husband can resign his DPOA. Long overdue, I'd say.

Your MIL may have been a manipulative piece of work all her life, I wouldn't know. But the notion that she can overcome behaviours that arise from her dementia when it suits her... Isn't it more likely that the drugs start working?
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Send your Renouncement of DPOA document by certified mail return receipt, if you choose to do this. Not saying that is the answer. Good luck.
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