Mom (living with us) has dementia and has been going downhill. I'm in the process of trying to get her qualified for Long Term Care in our state. Discussing this with her beyond "hey we're looking to get you into assisted living" will upset her in the long run.
Can I do the majority of these things without her input? Can I use her money to pay for an elder law attorney to draw up an irrevocable trust? Can I put her in a nursing home without her consent? She honestly is past the point of making these decisions on her own. Does having a Durable POA give me those rights?
She was abusive in my childhood and manipulative as I became an adult. I'm stressed beyond belief by all of this and feel at any moment that all hell is going to break loose again if I do the wrong thing. It feels like I'm stomping through a mine field. Any and all advice is very much appreciated.
Contact an elder attorney and an ombudsman for your mom to talk with.
Do you depend on her income to get by? If not, move yourself into a rental, and she will have to go to a facility, then sell her house to pay for her care. If you need her income, you may want to contact your county for your own housing assistance. Her money goes toward her care and is not for inheritance unless she dies with leftover funds willed to you.
You do not need her approval to place her in long term care but she will need to be assessed. Contact whatever home/facility you're most interested in moving her to. They will have someone who will tell you exactly what forms need to be filled out by whom and when. Memory care facilities send their own person to assess the future resident as well, not sure about other kinds of long term care.
It is much too late for her to put assets into a trust of any kind. Her home will have to be sold after she's moved out to help foot her bills. Sometimes people wait until their person has passed to sell the house but honestly why. Empty homes are crime magnets and very hard to insure. Get her placed, sell the house, and be done.
Hugs to you doing your best to care for a parent who didn't care properly for you when you were a kid. Me too. It sucks.
You don't understand power of attorney, its limitations and its responsibilities.
See an elder law attorney; that is paid for by the POA. You need to learn the LEGAL FIDUCIARY duties of keeping track of every penny of your mom's finances if you are acting as her POA.
You are right to worry about doing the wrong thing. It could get you accused of mismanagement at best, and elder abuse and theft at worst.
Your mom's assets are there for her care, not to be saved for your inheritance.
Be aware too, as POA you can not do anything with her assets that enriches you. You can pay for an attorney with her funds as long as the work is for her benefit. Meeting with an attorney is your best bet to ensure you are not violating your fiduciary responsibilities.