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Mom (living with us) has dementia and has been going downhill. I'm in the process of trying to get her qualified for Long Term Care in our state. Discussing this with her beyond "hey we're looking to get you into assisted living" will upset her in the long run.


Can I do the majority of these things without her input? Can I use her money to pay for an elder law attorney to draw up an irrevocable trust? Can I put her in a nursing home without her consent? She honestly is past the point of making these decisions on her own. Does having a Durable POA give me those rights?


She was abusive in my childhood and manipulative as I became an adult. I'm stressed beyond belief by all of this and feel at any moment that all hell is going to break loose again if I do the wrong thing. It feels like I'm stomping through a mine field. Any and all advice is very much appreciated.

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Get your mother evaluated by a medical doctor for mental competency. When she is declared (have doctor put that in writing into her chart and a letter for your use), then you can use the POA to act on her behalf. Use her resources to care for her needs. In short - yes - you can obtain residential care for her once she is declared mentally incompetent.
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I'm sorry to see your mother's situation.

Contact an elder attorney and an ombudsman for your mom to talk with.

Do you depend on her income to get by? If not, move yourself into a rental, and she will have to go to a facility, then sell her house to pay for her care. If you need her income, you may want to contact your county for your own housing assistance. Her money goes toward her care and is not for inheritance unless she dies with leftover funds willed to you.
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Thank you everyone for your input! I'm too overwhelmed atm to respond to each one, but wanted to let you know that I appreciate your advice and will take it onboard. <3
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Stardust you've got a few conflicting questions here. Yes it's time to meet with an elder care or estate planning attorney, which you should pay for with her money. One of the million questions for you to ask is how to sign as POA rather than signing your own name, so you don't end up agreeing to pay her bills on accident.

You do not need her approval to place her in long term care but she will need to be assessed. Contact whatever home/facility you're most interested in moving her to. They will have someone who will tell you exactly what forms need to be filled out by whom and when. Memory care facilities send their own person to assess the future resident as well, not sure about other kinds of long term care.

It is much too late for her to put assets into a trust of any kind. Her home will have to be sold after she's moved out to help foot her bills. Sometimes people wait until their person has passed to sell the house but honestly why. Empty homes are crime magnets and very hard to insure. Get her placed, sell the house, and be done.

Hugs to you doing your best to care for a parent who didn't care properly for you when you were a kid. Me too. It sucks.
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No, you cannot draw up an irrevocable trust for your mother.
You don't understand power of attorney, its limitations and its responsibilities.
See an elder law attorney; that is paid for by the POA. You need to learn the LEGAL FIDUCIARY duties of keeping track of every penny of your mom's finances if you are acting as her POA.

You are right to worry about doing the wrong thing. It could get you accused of mismanagement at best, and elder abuse and theft at worst.

Your mom's assets are there for her care, not to be saved for your inheritance.
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You say you are working on getting her approved for long term care. Are you talking about financially? Because you will make her ineligible for assistance if you start putting her assets in a trust now. Medicaid has a 5 year look back and they will see any movement of assets out of her name. Then she will get a penalty period of no assistance for the amount of time her assets would have provided her payment for care. The only trust that won't adversely affect her eligibility is a Medicaid approved funeral trust.

Be aware too, as POA you can not do anything with her assets that enriches you. You can pay for an attorney with her funds as long as the work is for her benefit. Meeting with an attorney is your best bet to ensure you are not violating your fiduciary responsibilities.
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You cannot create someone else's legal documents for them. But, you should know that the bar for "legal capacity" is pretty low and the attorney will interview your Mom to see where she's at and whether she's being coerced. Even if she has memory impairment or floats in and out of dementia, she may still be deemed as having capacity. But, she still needs to agree to assign you (or anyone) as PoA. You can tell her you're worried about her becoming a ward of the county because that's what happens when someone doesn't have a PoA that they personally assign. If you can get her to do this, make sure the PoA is durable so that it is in effect as soon as she signs it. Make sure you get PoA for both medical and financial with no activation criteria (no diagnosis required). If you can do this (and she pays for it with her funds) then you can make any arrangements for her (that she money to pay for) and then you'll just need to use therapeutic fibs to get her to cooperate in a move. Another option which is easier and far less expensive is to download the PoA forms for your home state from websites like Legalzoom.com and Rocketlawyer.com. I've personally done this with 2 of my LOs with no problem because I don't have any meddling siblings, nor did my LOs, and the LOs were single. You need to work on this today. You also need to seek therapy so that you can find and defend strong and healthy boundaries with her. She will continue to manipulate you from anywhere she lives and you need to be prepared for this,
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