Called it quits today! 😪
After 6 months of a tumultuous living situation with my father, he was moved into his new house on May 1st. He did a complete 180° by suddenly putting his place together & has no signs of dementia or inability to walk. (It's a miracle!🤣) I feel it's because he is a hoarder and is now with his "things" he is suddenly normal again. But now I am getting daily phone calls with "demands".
My dad has guns, which his doctor told us to keep from him, as he admitted he was suicidal. Dad rents storage, and we keep his lawn mower, shovels, rakes & snow blower in our shed, as his rental has no storage space for lawn equipment. The rental storage place doesn't want gas powered tools in the units.
He called yesterday & got very rude. Demanding his guns & yelling at me that these are "his property" & he is "75 years old".... Then said he will also come to get his "tools" (lawn equipment) from our shed. We have told him repeatedly that we fear those things would get stolen off his back porch. I told him we want permission from his doctor before giving him access to his guns.
Dad also interjected that he "hasn't seen a dime" of his money in months. Mind you, he gave me his banking cards to "fix his mess" & I caught him up on being 3 months behind on bills, got him a rental since his credit is ruined, moved him to this town from 3 hrs away, multiple trips with a uhaul to get his belongings, bought washer/dryer, new mattress, dvd player, phone, microwave, since his belongings were covered in filth. Plus he lived with us for free, I only had him buy some groceries 2 of the 6 months he was with us. Drove him to doctors appointments etc...
I don't feel comfortable with what he is now alluding to. So I told him today, once we get his car here, I am going to relieve myself of all bill paying & errand running, as he can do this himself.
We took his guns to the storage & will also take his lawn equipment. He doesn't have a key yet, due to doctor's order & that he has a gun safe in there that we cannot even open. I will wait to see what his doctor says. I am so tired of being treated like garbage. After all we've done for him after finding out my brother abused him. Then he says, "I miss my son." I am tired.
I told him he is going to have to get help from the agencies here. My dad has been demanding things, not even asking nicely.
Am I being too harsh? I just feel so used.
Your guns: Your Doctor said No.
End of my conversation on this.
One more thing, if you want my help, please remember your manners. No manners, no help - got it?
So many posters here end up with mentally unstable/demented elders living in their homes, destroying families and marriages.
The ONLY way to prove that your father isn't capable of caring for himself is to let him have a trial of true independence.
You might consider letting his doctor know that you're cutting the cord and that dad is on his own. Giving the suicidal ideation, the doctor is almost certain to report dad to APS to get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult.
At some point, dad will end up in the hospital and will get placed. Do not take him into your home again.
Step way back. Let him fail . As the social worker told me to do about my mother .
You have been through the mill. Geeeeez! Please know that you are definitely not being too harsh.
Wishing you all the best.
The last thing you want is for him to hurt someone else. You could even have some liability for his actions with guns, since you know that he shouldn't have them. Be really careful about this.
I have, in the past, hidden a relative's guns in my attic for a long time after his doctor ordered them to be kept from him. There was no way the relative could get into the attic, so they were safe there until we could make other arrangements. You could secure the guns away from your dad in a similar way.
Good luck, and again, cheers for the way you've handled this sad situation.
I don’t know what your back story is on your relationship with your dad and brother. Every family has their own unique story.
Sometimes, we feel obligated to them just because they are are parents or siblings.
I know that I couldn’t see things clearly for a very long time. I kept thinking that I could somehow change my situation to create harmony within my family. I was wrong. None of us have that kind of power.
I am so happy to see that you are able to emotionally distance yourself from your dad, so that you are able to protect yourself from his abuse. It sounds like you have a great support system with your husband.
It’s a shame that your dad didn’t appreciate all of your efforts. Whether this is due to his being incapable of it, due to mental illness or if he is just plain evil, I couldn’t say because I am not his therapist. Regardless, it’s still hurtful to you. I’m so sorry.
Just know that you are doing the right thing by stepping away to protect yourself.
A long time ago, I said to a friend of mine that I wish I could help my brother see what his behavior was doing to our family. She said to me. “I know that you do. It doesn’t have to be you. Step back and let someone else do it. You’re his sister and he will lash out at you. He is more likely to receive help or respond better to someone else.”
My friend gave me good advice. Sadly, my brother lived his life on a roller coaster of tumultuous ups and downs and didn’t want to listen to anyone else because he thought that he was smarter than everyone else. Some people are like that. It’s sad because they never grow as individuals.
You are growing. We aren’t always stronger because we hold on. It takes a lot of strength to let go. I’m proud of you for surrendering and allowing yourself to live in peace. Good for you!
I too was the family scapegoat and servant myself for a long time.
I sought out help and went to therapy and highly recommend going to anyone who grew up in a family like mine.
No shame in my game.
I truly believe that people who grew up in abusive homes like we did should not be caregivers to their abusers when they become needy.
Many of us make this mistake because there had been years of abusive conditioning.
It's always a mistake though and the abused child/caregiver is always the one who suffers the most.
Best to you as you take the next steps you need to protect your own health and sanity!
Rather, the ONLY way you can get this kind of stubborn, unself-aware person the help they need is by allowing them their independence and letting them fail of they aren't up to the task. Propping them up denies them assistance.