Hi all - new to this forum, a friend told me about it.
I do not take care of my mom full time but I am the only child who lives in town (52, have two older sisters who live out of state). You can see where this is going. Mom has lovely caretakers that come in a few times a week but she is constantly cutting their hours down in an effort to "save money." I manage her finances, she's doing just fine, but it's not an argument to try and win.
Her caretakers keep an eye on her, keep her safe, help her with things she cannot safely do - and she can still do quite a lot. But when it comes to the things she can't do, she talks to me about it as though it's my fault she can't do them. She's 86.
Today, she kept saying "I have no choice, I have no choice," about things she needed me to do for her, instead of herself, and I guess I poked the bear and told her, "Mom you still have a lot of choices." She scorched me like a barbecue. So, naturally I said that was my cue to leave. And I do leave. I do not put up with verbal, emotional abuse in any form, her mind isn't like it used to be but it is not totally GONE.
And I come home emotionally exhausted even after a short visit. I visit when I can, but not daily. She tries very hard to get me to come over daily. One time it was so I could rearrange the massive hoard of stuff on her dresser, something I said the caregiver would be glad to help her do and again, meltdown of the year. "Gotta go, talk to you tomorrow."
I know many do it because they feel safe doing this with family, but aside from strict boundary setting is there anything more I can do? She has her moments but she is mostly sound minded, the lashing out just never ends.
When you put up with such behavior, you're telling her she has a free pass to treat you like dirt and the strangers like royalty. If she keeps it up, she can use ALL of her money to hire the strangers bc you dont deserve to be treated badly by a loved one. Certainly not while you're there to help her, for petesake !😑
My mother was identical and this was my strategy for dealing with her mouth.
This tug of war. This control game people losiing their independance start. Pull pull pulling you in.. into their life. So you can live their life with them. You become their arms & legs, the able limbed part of one being. You become the part who can speak clearly on the phone, deal with bills, groceries, medical appointments.
I picture it like circles. At present you have your life circle. Mom has hers. You join up sometimes to visit, do stuff together. Then you separate again.
But with too much pull, you become one circle. Some people allow or even choose to be absorbed! Become martyrs. Live their elder's life (or disabled LO's life) as their own shrinks & withers.
You can see it.
You can feel it.
Yes boundaries are the defence. Strong boundaries.
"And I come home emotionally exhausted even after a short visit".
I call that an emotional hangover. I suffer them too.
Treatment that worked was LESS visits.
Bottom line is this: Mom needs stuff done. She is getting old & losing independance.
But she does NOT have the right to enslave you.
She has rights to receive care.
She does not get to insist it is done by you.
She may not understand.
Oh well. Let Tough Love & the Boundaries stage commence!
Unfortunately, you need to step back and let the natural consequences occur and go from there.
Cooperative elders get better care than do stubborn ones.
I had to go over there tonight after work (it was a household issue, no big deal) and she seemed put off that I didn't stay very long. Sorry, been working since 6:30 this morning, my pajamas are calling.
She has always looked to us girls to be her source of entertainment, health care, housekeeping, the list goes on. Love is "taking care of my needs," not what it should be.
Her anger at all of us - me mostly - can be what it is.
I thank you all for your very helpful comments. Common sense and dealing with her for as long as I have has kept it in perspective, sometimes I just need to get it out into the atmosphere to get insight. I am well aware that aging, and aging badly, is a scary, frightening, depressing thing to face. I just wish magically she'd "get it" and realize she's not helping her cause by scorching the earth behind her. Or in front of her. One of the two.
I remember I couldn't stay long one other time and she said, "well I can tell how you feel about me."
"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." One of her TRADEMARK sayings when us girls were growing up.
Boy did that go over like a (fill in the blank).
Please read up on Narcissism. Also Fear, Obligation and Guilt (i.e., F.O.G.)
You need to decide how much and what you are willing to do and make sure she outsources the rest, on her dime.
One visit a week is more than enough if she’s going to act like a toddler.
Once a dementia diagnosis is established, IT’S THERE, and “decline” (actually and inexorably- DETERIORATION) becomes part of every activity between you and her.
Unless she ALWAYS, since your childhood, has blamed you for all of the troubles in your world, she is functioning within her own deteriorating judgement and “filters”.
It isn’t good for either of you to regard her tirades as her rightful, factual way of expressing herself. That being the case, you need to disregard them. She is NOT “….mostly sound minded.” She is in the early stages of the dementia process.
Dementia is quixotic as well- you are still thinking that she is sometimes functioning within the realm of rational thought BUT SHE ISN’T.
Your job/responsibility/involvement is to establish a system of SAFE, SUPERVISED CARE. If you have done so, it is NOT your responsibility to listen to her “stuff”.
”Yes”, to “walking out, walking away, establishing distance/silence”. These are legitimate responses to her illness.
”No”, to wasting YOUR time, attempting to find gentler, simpler methods to manage her behavior. Time May return some of her previous social positivity, but it won’t happen because of what you do or don’t do.
If she is still safe with the help of aides, you are Blessed.
Visit if and when comfortable FOR YOU, and when not, tell her you love her and you’ll see her again soon, AND WALK AWAY.
I honestly don't believe in hiding the truth. If she can't understand that, then I would not increase, but rather decrease visits. As in training Pavlov's dogs or mice or whatever they were.
I think it's irrelevant how she treats others because the sad truth is that we OFTEN treat those who love us most and to whom we are closet, the worst. That holds for all periods of life whether we are 2 or 102. We are least inhibited by those we love.
If you don't argue, and meet things she says not with "you have a lot of choices" but with "I am so sorry, Mom" you don't negate what she says, you sympathize with (if not her reality) her perception. of her own reality.
I am 80. Aging is full of losses. Hair gets thin, hearing goes, and there goes the eyes,. You got whiskers but can't see to pluck them and the neck is stiff, the nails are cracking, the back is compressing. The skin's so fragile it sloughs off at a touch. I could go on down to the toes (ingrown nails), but sounds like you got enough with your OWN mom.
I am just saying don't depend on Mom for happiness. She isn't all that happy. Visit when you WANT to, not out of need. Be glad she has caregivers. This isn't to be improved so much as endured.
I sure do wish you the best. I sympathize with you.
I have endured quite a bit. I guess I haven't fully accepted that lashing out at me because of her age and losses, is part of this deal. I don't like it, but I guess it won't change. I hoped for a better relationship than that.
My mom is 80 and in assisted living after living with me and hubby for 7 years. She has mild/moderate dementia (depending on the moment). It's a challenge and very sad as they lose their short term memory and ability to plan and initiate and such and so. At least that's our journey.
Dealing with dementia daily, I always wonder if symptoms being described are indicative of some level of cognitive decline. Your mom having meltdowns, you doing her finances, already have caregivers (woohoo!) and her age, make me wonder if that's a player in mom's behavior. For someone to have dementia does not mean their minds are totally gone. It's, at least for my mom, a slow and steady decline. Some moments of amazing clarity, many that leave you scratching your head.
Did mom willing give up handling her finances? That's good that you're doing it. Do you already have POA in place for if/when she does become mentally incompetent.
I like Alva's idea of talking to her about her behavior towards you. I would say that you are considering visiting less and less due to her lashing out at you. It is not kind or enjoyable. And that you are already coming as often as you are comfortable with. Many things like this do nothing to make our parents happy but that's really not our prime concern at this point. Safety is. I would also do what you can to not let her cut the aides hours. It sounds like she benefits from their help and if they do less she will push you to do more. No thanks, mom. Let the aides do it.
Best of luck!
Mostly I do these things for her like finances and appointments because she can't see. She constantly drones on about needing glasses, but "I don't want to bother you to take me." Get a bigger magnifier then, I said. Ridiculous excuse.
I have all the legal paperwork locked down. There's no way I would be doing any of this if I hadn't.
My mom has been a 'victim' to a lot of things over the years. I'll never forget her saying many years ago, "Who's gonna take care of ME?" Gee I don't know all those years of rage and outbursts and hateful things she said over the years let's draw straws.
She said today that my making life better for her was not my issue, and I'm going to hold her to that. Whether she remembers saying it or not. I think I harbor a resentment that all these hurtful things and outbursts and rage just never seem to bother her in the slightest and she just sails through life doing it. I stood up to her today and she didn't like it, so she's called me about 6 times since I got home. 6 voicemails of course.
I really had hoped for better in her later years. That's what makes me sad, I think. A mellowing out of all her tantrums, or a happier mindset, but it only got worse.
That's not all that uncommon in situations like yours. I've read on this site that the ones needing care should be the ones to sacrifice or compromise or whatever, but they expect US to do that. And we shouldn't. What gives her the right to be catered to constantly, to make decisions that affect you (such as cutting down her caregivers' hours and expecting you to take up the slack)? To blame you for her decline? That's nuts.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Keep standing up to her, and remember, SHE should compromise. Not you.
Good luck!
on weekends & public holidays.. hmm. I began to question the care agency.
Multiple reasons were found. Some error, some misunderstandings, some lack of communication ability but also manipulation.
LO was sometimes cancelling. Why? To save money.
Or a carer cancelled & the agency couldn't find a replacement. LO said family would do instead.
Or agency COULD find a replacement but LO said no, as didn't want a stranger/new person.
This has been rectified somewhat.
No caregiver = call your agency. Not me.
I think of it like this now:
If missing a daily carergiver is merely an inconvenience, the laundry waits a day, a delayed shopping trip - OK.
But if missing a daily carer is essential, to take medicine or eat. Not OK. Needs may be getting too high for home.
My LO is somewhere in the middle. Will be unwashed, undressed but can eat. Not ideal but not really dangerous.
I still feel angry that saving money for them was fine but MY time & labour was seen as no value. As 'free'. Anger was good though in hindsight. It moved me to stand up for myself.