I've been married to my husband for 8 years and the entire time his parents lived about 15 minutes away. They were always respectful of our privacy and, because of this, we've had a good relationship. However, my MIL needed major knee surgery making it impossible for her to recover in their multi-story home while her leg was immobilized. At the time, my FIL stubbornly refused to downsize to a single level home, so we offered to have MIL stay with us while she recovered hoping that FIL would agree to downsize in the meanwhile. Well, after the knee surgery, they both had a very tough year with multiple hospital stays for falls, UTIs, dehydration, among other things. Both my husband and I were constantly stressed because, between the two of them, there was a trip to the ED at least twice a month for about 8 months. So, we thought it best they both live with us. My FIL agreed to sell their home as well.
Fast forward 2 years later, and their health has completely stabilized. With physical therapy and us managing his insulin pump and meds, my FIL is in much better shape. My MIL has completely recovered and is even able to climb a few steps independently. Since they've been better, my FIL has expressed guilt about living with us because he realizes that while they need assistance with some things, they're still able to function independently. He's proposed moving to an apartment nearby multiple times but here's the thing -- my mother-in-law shoots this idea down every time he brings it up. Her reason is that she can't keep house anymore, but I call bulls***. Even before they moved in with us, my husband provided a cleaning service for them. After they moved in with us, we're providing a housecleaning and laundry service just for them that we would still do if they lived in an apartment nearby.
After 2 years, this is what I've observed — they essentially don't have a marriage. My FIL has no interest in spending time with her and my MIL treats him like a toddler. They bicker every day and are pretty much living separate lives each on their own schedule. SO, I think my MIL selfishly decided to live with us permanently because she no longer wants to live alone with my FIL.
They take up 2 separate bedrooms upstairs. One comes down to eat anywhere between 8 am - 2pm (seriously), while the other routinely comes down between 2 pm - 3pm for "breakfast." Then, my MIL is a constant 3rd wheel every night for dinner because my FIL eats on his own time, usually anywhere between 10 pm and midnight. Their unstructured sleep habits disrupt our sleep because of the noise they make, their inconsistent breakfast times drive me up the wall. Plus, my MIL is now starting to ignore me when I specifically ask her not to do certain things like the dishes. Also, I've just started to like her less the better I get to know her.
I see both of them living for another 10-15 years and certainly did not sign up for a dysfunctional married couple as housemates particularly when I just don't like one of them. I work from home, so there is no escape and the resentment is building. My husband is not agreeing to the alternatives I've presented (moving them to an apartment nearby, moving to a house with an in-law suite, moving them to assisted living). It is affecting our marriage; for example, we are used to connecting over dinner and now my MIL is always there. My husband doesn't seem to understand why I can't talk about my day as usual if she's there. For me, my day is what I want to share with him, not my MIL. Date night once a week or so hasn't made the situation feel any better.
I haven't mentioned the caregiving work involved with 2 people (which is also a lot) because this work — the work they actually need help with — is something I don't mind doing. It's just the social adjustment of living with an old, dysfuctional couple.
How do I adapt to this situation which could be the new normal for the next decade or more?
Your husband needs to understand that you are through babysitting his parents and that they need to move somewhere else. If he says no then you have a decision to make. Me, I would move out.
Time to get this settled, yes, my mother just died at age 100, so one or both of them can live a very long time.