How can you blame others for what you have done?

Jessie, good insight into the dual nature of caregiving.

Pam, find some chocolate and I'll join you!

I;ll have a beer with you Jessie,, and I am also wondering if if this poster is actually the deadbeat sibling.

I think you said it well, careisgiving. We feel anger and resentment about our own situation. Last night my brother and SIL came by and talked about the things they had been doing. I thought of how boring and constrained my own life has become. I mean, I am even excited about a new restaurant that is opening a couple of blocks away. My life has gotten so small.

At the same time, I know that my life has meaning. I know I am the rock that keeps everyone else's life normal, no matter how crumbly I might be. It may not be much fun to be a sedentary, crumbly rock, but it is just a phase of life I'm going through right now.

You grab your wine. I'll get a beer. Cheese and crackers, anyone?

I'm an only child, like freqflyer, with no other living relatives to care for my mother. I go back and forth in my mind, questioning if I made the right decision; when I see other people living their lives, having a family and/or moving up the career ladder or just plain enjoying their lives, I feel angered and resentful about my situation; when I read horror stories of elder abuse or neglect in a nursing home, I feel relieved and thankful that I have the opportunity to have Mom live with me. It's just overall hard to say for most of us what is best way to handle the care of an aging loved one. My feeling now is that if I really wanted to put my mother in a home, I would've but I guess I'm not at my breaking point just yet; Thank God for the wine in my kitchen! But I'll say, and this only pertains to me, that because of what I went through by caring for both parents simultaneously and now caring for just one, I'm overall a better, wiser, and more compassionate person. I wasn't a bad person before, but, frankly it was all about me. However, I vicariously lived through the suffering of my father (he suffered horrifically from this and that side effect of multiple medical treatments) and as a result I understand what it means to truly enjoy every minute I have with my mother and also with myself. I also made the decision to live out my dreams and work towards my goals as much as I can so I don't have any regrets on my deathbed, and in this respect it's all about me, again, but in a good way. :-)

Yes, the P.E.T. team. Stands for Psychiatric Evaluation Team.
Do you need help?

Re-read the posts of Mousehunter in order and one can better understand the Borderline Personality Disorder, starts out strong, making sense, then deteriorates quickly into abuse, name-calling, accusations that others are lying, then hateful rage when others have a different experience.

This made me think when I visited the Alz.org page to find resources. There was some educational information. When I tried to find resources, I found the ad to help raise money and awareness by walking. Not what I was looking for. I then found a link to a fairly decent support group that concentrated on communication skills, but wasn't so good when it came to supporting the caregiver. It was really an Alz support group, while AC focuses on the caregiver an his/her real problems.

And really, the senior services for Alabama in the link you provided did lead to a dead end. http://www.adss.alabama.gov/ was no longer up and running. That happens when things change.

Mouse, you can't possibly know about services everywhere on the map. You know what you have experience with, nothing more.

I don't think it's abusive for people to say they hate their do-nothing sibs. These threads are only intended for the ears of fellow caregivers, many of whom are facing the same issues. They're just letting off steam, which is one of the purposes of this board.

You display a glaring lack of sympathy and support for those of us who are trapped in the middle with our elderly parents - no help from siblings (or way too little), no affordable services, and no feasible way out.

It gets under my skin because I've heard many of the same statements from my one local sibling who does the least to help my mother. She was the one to accuse me of acting like a martyr and also the one to jump all over me with guilt trips, accusing me of reneging on my promises to Mom, when I wanted to move 90 miles away for an academic program and only take care of Mom on weekends. I don't hate her but I sure as hell resent her attitude.

You come across with a tone of smug superiority, implying that those who vent their frustrations with family members are simply whiners who fail to take responsibility for their own bad decisions. While I agree that may be true in some cases, many others have found themselves caught between the proverbial rock and hard place where there are no perfect answers. Your comment about the "difficult ones" always being your favorites especially got my goat, as you seem to characterize "difficult" elders as those crusty but loveable curmudgeons we see on old sit-coms, and with a little gentle coaxing they will learn to see things your way. In real life some caregivers have had to overcome a family history of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, mental illness, addiction, blended families and a host of other family dysfunction. And they don't get to go home at the end of the day like a paid caregiver, but have to live with the role 24/7. Perhaps not my reality or yours, but I for one feel compassion for their pain, not disdain.

Mousehunter, Apology accepted.

Sendme, your first sentence speaks the truth of the situation. Even the link provided above for senior services led me to a dead end. The link for Alabama led to a page no longer there. We run into dead ends a lot.

We do have Meals on Wheels here, and there is home companions who don't charge too much ($10-30 an hour). There is a state program called Alabama Cares that is supposed to provide around 6 hours free respite a week, but I haven't heard of anyone using that. Maybe it is because no one knows where to find it. Is it really anywhere? I can't even find it on the internet anymore. I can't use 6 hours free respite, but I know some people could.

I'm sure there are many resources I don't know about. That is where a good county social worker comes in handy. What I found for my parents was that they had too much to qualify for much of anything. I have a feeling, however, that there are many areas of the country that have elder-friendly services. We'll probably see more in time as more people are opting to age in place.

Mousehunter, Yes, I am a lousy caregiver, and you have resorted to name-calling and belittling me to gain power and control over me and others, rather than respect for your point of view.

Mousehunters, how can the siblings, left behind, who thought they had a better plan fail so miserably to put that plan into effect? If one is prone to place blame, that too would work both ways? I do not like blaming, it is not a nice thing to do, and places one in a false superior position to judge others who disagree.

Mousehunters, If you fill out your profile, let us get to know you better, then if you do any real harm, we can send a team after you. lol.

Mousehunters, You are truly an instigator with an unusually naive faith in a failing system of unfunded helps for seniors. You make a valid point about personal responsibility is [ a ] key to success.
Also key would be, prior to taking on the responsibility of caregiving one would have access to FULL DISCLOSURE about the often unfolding changes, responsibilities, and expectations of caregivers as the recipient of care need's change. Impossible to predict! It would be ignorant to believe there is this: "Will you be the only caregiver?", and the answer is a one-time, lifelong, "Yes". And no one tells the caregiver ahead of time: They will fight you on this, at every turn, both your parents and siblings, spouse, and extended family. That does not make anyone a martyr, imop.
There is a delicate psychological and emotional balance going on here in a good way, with desperate caregivers getting support, venting, having successes, and then helping others.
Your presence here is welcome, as Windy stated. However, if your statements mess with any of the dear people who are well-loved and understood by us all here; if we have to put them back together after you have enjoyed your time here, some of us are gonna come through the screen and give you a virtual SPLATT.


...

Windy, what can I say - I don't tiptoe around the truth. I have no intention of hurting or offending anyone and if I have I sincerely apologize. I have dealt with many of the issues people face on these threads as well. But I believe personal responsibility is key to success. The threads I see all over this website - "Useless sibs, I hate my sibs, Sibs do nothing" etc are beyond counter-productive in my opinion - they are abusive. Again, no offense intended to anyone - I call it like I see it.

Mouse, I've went back and read some of your comments. You're more of a hard a** than I am. I have little patience with people who make terrible decisions, end up with a life ruined by caregiving, but come on.... Many people are put in horrible situations through no fault of their own. My sibs died, now I'm it for my folks and I should d*mn well be allowed to whine about it on this forum or otherwise. But it doesn't consume me.

I like this discussion and that fact that you're spicing things up a bit but in all honestly, some of your comments are bordering on arrogance. Just sayin.......

PITA - Pain in the @ss. Yes Windy, it will not necessarily be easy. A little finesse foes a long way. This will definitely be specific per situation. For some, the first few visits may include the loved ones until the elder is comfortable with this new person and trusts them. Some will have to realize they will not "get their lawn mowed" at all if they do not allow someone in (this is done in a controlled/safe manner of course). Again, each case will be specific to the need, but it can and is done with everyone happy with the outcome. The "difficult ones" have always been my favorite.

Windy, PITA is Pain in the (butt) but a more graphic and colloquial term also used in lieu of "donkey".

Mouse, I like you spirit, and I don't intend to let caregiving ruin my life, but what is PITA?

Also you comment THEY WILL NOT ALLOW OUTSIDE HELP, THAT IS NOT THEIR DECISION. well at some point it's not but my Dad will just kick them out right now if I send anyone, carpet cleaners, caregivers, meals on wheels etc. when he becomes clearly incompetent yea, I'll make my moves. But for many of us our oldsters are still in control. It will be crisis driven for me. Next ER trip, bad fall, Dad can't remember anything at all, in comes the help or off they go to a facility.

http://www.eldercaredirectory.org/state-resources.htm

Contact your local senior ombudsman. S/he will be able to point you in the proper direction.

These services DO exist and they DO exist for those who fall between the cracks. That is why I mentioned some are privately funded - as in charity. I worked for them, I know for a fact they exist and serve all income brackets! Sliding scale - pay according to income. I do not know where you live, so cannot point you in any specific direction, but these services do exist and do help many people - with just about everything.

Mousehunters, there still are issues with funding for in home services. Some folks fall in an area between qualifying for paid assistance and paying for it on their own.

Having tried to find some in home help recently, I can also tell you that there are some agencies that have grandiose claims but asking specific questions has led me to believe that they can't back up their claims. That can happen with any hired agency or service, whether it's from lawn care to in home care so it's not unique, but it is a fact of hiring outsiders.

But I can tell you personally that I've faced limitations and likely will face more as I age b/c of being inbetween categories financially. It would be nice to think that services really are available to elderly and disabled, but they're not in reality if you can't afford them b/c your only source of income is SS.

In fact, there's a current post by a woman trying to find a source to pay for oxygen for her disabled 57 year old sister, who has been rejected for disability and needs financial assistance for oxygen.

CarlaCB, these services are available everywhere for the elderly and disabled. This includes areas with limited/no public transportation. Again, some are privately funded and some are funded by tax payers. I know, I have worked with these agencies.

I made no such statement that any service should, could, or would take the place of family. However, one cannot have their cake and eat it too. Either one wants help or one does not. Demanding it of other who for whatever reason are unavailable is not reasonable. To complain about such when outside service IS available seems the opinion of one who prefers to be a martyr. . . That comes from inside, not outside the self. . .

Mousehunters - I think you have an overly optimistic view of what services are publicly available. Where my mother lives, these services are only made available to people who qualify for Medicaid. We've already checked that out. Oh, and they don't provide transportation, at all.

If you are trying to say that there are always affordable services to take the place of family caregivers, I think you're very sadly mistaken.

If need be, add the words "low income"

CarlaCB there are organizations that provide those services on a sliding scale. Most are assisted with some public/private funding. Often elderly people with the least amount of available cash can receive the services free of charge.

All the needs you described above (and more) are provided by these services. Google - elder care homemaker/companion services.

Mousehunters - I'm sure you have a valid complaint about somebody, but I don't think it's valid to say, as you did, that "Anyone who is "losing their own life and independence" because they became the elderly parent's caregiver - is doing it wrong."

There are many caregivers who don't have the option of bringing in outside help because there is no money to pay the outside help or to enter assisted living. Many elderly are not impaired enough to qualify for Medicaid but still require a lot of help, especially those who can no longer drive but who live in a place where there is no public transportation (or who are not capable of using what public transportation there is). My mother needs help with something nearly every day. Grocery shopping, doctors appointments, housekeeping tasks, changing batteries and light bulbs, taking out garbage, bringing in mail, a whole long list of stuff. It can easily steal an adult child's independence, as it has mine. Many people here are in worse situations. Lots of people can't get away for a few hours, let alone a few days. That steals your life and your independence for sure.

Hahaha! You're funny MaggieMarshal.

HAHAHA! I meant I personally don't blame her for the way she's feeling.