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You moved our parent hours away from the rest of the family to be near you. Now you complain you "are the only one doing anything". Why? You moved our elderly parent hours away from the rest of the family(including the grandchildren) in order that you would have them closer to you. Those of us left behind did everything we could think of to prevent this move, including letting you know we would not be able to visit. You did it anyway and now complain all the time and are furious because you are "doing everything alone". You made this mess and now want to blame it on all your siblings who did not want this situation to take place from the start.

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I've seen this over and over here on the forums, the sibling taking in the parent means well, is kindhearted, but didn't read up or was willing to listen on what all is involved.... then surprise surprise they are overwhelmed.

Or the other siblings want the aging parent to be in a continuing care facility because they all know it would be difficult for one person to take care of the parent.... yet the one sibling who took in the parent is now complaining no one is helping. If the other siblings jump in to help, all they are doing is enabling that elder to keep aging in place instead of being in another layer of care.

That is what happened to my parents, being an only child I looked around and I was *it*.... and I was enabling my parents [mid-90's] to keep remaining in their large home by helping here or there.... now everything is a nightmare. If only I could turn back time.
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Mousehunters, I wondered who you were writing to. Do you have a relative on the group? Was it someone who recently posted? Maybe you should take it up with them personally or respond to them in their thread.
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You are exactly right Fregflyer. There are lots of us (family) living here that could (and would be delighted to) help, entertain, and enjoy this parent/grandparent. We had the foresight to now this was a very bad idea (my post here only scratches the surface of the bonehead choices included in this move - buying a house for example. . .) And the one sibling with magical thinking refused to see the forest for the trees - now furious at the rest of us because the outcome is the nightmare we warned it would be. If I could turn back time indeed. . .
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JessieBelle, this is an open forum, correct? I believe it is important to look at both sides of the coin. Having just finished reading approximately 400 post on the "I hate my do nothing sib", I felt and honest, open counter point was in order. A thread from and for those on the other side of the coin.

We all sleep in the bed we make for ourselves.
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Good topic Mousehunter, I think perhaps JessieB was wondering why it was framed as a question rather than a discussion topic.
I have always taken ownership of my decision to care for my mom, but as you said there are many others who are angry at family members for not helping more. I think in a lot of cases people jump in to help in the midst of a crisis and then unfortunately find that the crisis has morphed into a long term commitment for which they didn't plan and aren't equipped to handle.
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I'm confused also. Who is YOU? Is this a family feud between people on the forum?
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makes me glad I don't have 'family'
what little I did have were a bunch of conniving, thieving, lying sob's.
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Mousehunters, I wondered if this was written to someone here because it could have perfectly mirrored a thread I had just posted to. I wondered if you might be family to that person. If so, it would have been a look at the other side.

We all do have to take responsibility for our own decisions. I came to stay with my parents and don't feel anything about my brothers not helping. It surprises me that they don't call or come by more often, but that is between my parents and them. It doesn't involve me. I know they are involved in their own lives. I do feel a bit of jealousy, because they are having a lot more fun than I am. But I don't resent them not helping.

Many of us here know what you're talking about. We can't make decisions for ourselves and our parents, then blame the siblings for not responding like we like them to. They have to make their own decisions. Maybe they would have preferred the parent go into assisted living, but one person wanted the parents to stay at home. The ones who wanted AL for their parents aren't obligated to fall in line with the decision. It is a good point that you make about individual decisions.
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Hi JessieBelle, no, I do not know anyone here. I apologize for placing this in the "questions" category - newb error. My apologies.

That said, we never know the reasons people do the things they do or do not . . . the things they do not. The particular thread I pointed out - "I hate my do nothing sib" (or some such) was in my opinion very hateful, divisive, and unproductive. With respect to those posting in the thread, I saw a ridiculous amount of martyrdom and little attempt at understanding the other side of the coin. Hence this thread. . . Just one single factor (of many potential) many people are out of work and have limited cash, but still have their own responsibilities and families to feed. I think hating them is flat out wrong.

Walk in the other guy's shoes works both ways.
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The only advice I would have for children not directly involved with caregiving is to maintain their relationship with the parent, independent of the other siblings. I know my mother loves it when my brothers call or visit. Not everyone can help directly. They live too far away or are raising a family. Letting the parents know they are important is the main thing.
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For heaven's sake, people. She's blowing off steam.

Don't blame her.
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I don't think anyone did, Maggie. This was a pretty civil thread and she had a very valid point.
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Yes, however, my main point remains. One cannot make a decision to take on a responsibility and then blame others when the responsibility is too much for them. Anyone who is "losing their own life and independence" because they became the elderly parent's caregiver - is doing it wrong.

Becoming caregiver does not mean Dad or Mom is entitled to be a great big PITA. They are still our parent, but they are not entitled to dwarf our needs with their demands. For example, they "will not allow outside help" - That is NOT their decision to make.
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I didn't mean don't blame HER. I meant I PERSONALLY don't blame her. ;)
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HAHAHA! I meant I personally don't blame her for the way she's feeling.
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Hahaha! You're funny MaggieMarshal.
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Mousehunters - I'm sure you have a valid complaint about somebody, but I don't think it's valid to say, as you did, that "Anyone who is "losing their own life and independence" because they became the elderly parent's caregiver - is doing it wrong."

There are many caregivers who don't have the option of bringing in outside help because there is no money to pay the outside help or to enter assisted living. Many elderly are not impaired enough to qualify for Medicaid but still require a lot of help, especially those who can no longer drive but who live in a place where there is no public transportation (or who are not capable of using what public transportation there is). My mother needs help with something nearly every day. Grocery shopping, doctors appointments, housekeeping tasks, changing batteries and light bulbs, taking out garbage, bringing in mail, a whole long list of stuff. It can easily steal an adult child's independence, as it has mine. Many people here are in worse situations. Lots of people can't get away for a few hours, let alone a few days. That steals your life and your independence for sure.
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CarlaCB there are organizations that provide those services on a sliding scale. Most are assisted with some public/private funding. Often elderly people with the least amount of available cash can receive the services free of charge.

All the needs you described above (and more) are provided by these services. Google - elder care homemaker/companion services.
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If need be, add the words "low income"
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Mousehunters - I think you have an overly optimistic view of what services are publicly available. Where my mother lives, these services are only made available to people who qualify for Medicaid. We've already checked that out. Oh, and they don't provide transportation, at all.

If you are trying to say that there are always affordable services to take the place of family caregivers, I think you're very sadly mistaken.
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CarlaCB, these services are available everywhere for the elderly and disabled. This includes areas with limited/no public transportation. Again, some are privately funded and some are funded by tax payers. I know, I have worked with these agencies.

I made no such statement that any service should, could, or would take the place of family. However, one cannot have their cake and eat it too. Either one wants help or one does not. Demanding it of other who for whatever reason are unavailable is not reasonable. To complain about such when outside service IS available seems the opinion of one who prefers to be a martyr. . . That comes from inside, not outside the self. . .
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Mousehunters, there still are issues with funding for in home services. Some folks fall in an area between qualifying for paid assistance and paying for it on their own.

Having tried to find some in home help recently, I can also tell you that there are some agencies that have grandiose claims but asking specific questions has led me to believe that they can't back up their claims. That can happen with any hired agency or service, whether it's from lawn care to in home care so it's not unique, but it is a fact of hiring outsiders.

But I can tell you personally that I've faced limitations and likely will face more as I age b/c of being inbetween categories financially. It would be nice to think that services really are available to elderly and disabled, but they're not in reality if you can't afford them b/c your only source of income is SS.

In fact, there's a current post by a woman trying to find a source to pay for oxygen for her disabled 57 year old sister, who has been rejected for disability and needs financial assistance for oxygen.
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These services DO exist and they DO exist for those who fall between the cracks. That is why I mentioned some are privately funded - as in charity. I worked for them, I know for a fact they exist and serve all income brackets! Sliding scale - pay according to income. I do not know where you live, so cannot point you in any specific direction, but these services do exist and do help many people - with just about everything.
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http://www.eldercaredirectory.org/state-resources.htm

Contact your local senior ombudsman. S/he will be able to point you in the proper direction.
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Mouse, I like you spirit, and I don't intend to let caregiving ruin my life, but what is PITA?

Also you comment THEY WILL NOT ALLOW OUTSIDE HELP, THAT IS NOT THEIR DECISION. well at some point it's not but my Dad will just kick them out right now if I send anyone, carpet cleaners, caregivers, meals on wheels etc. when he becomes clearly incompetent yea, I'll make my moves. But for many of us our oldsters are still in control. It will be crisis driven for me. Next ER trip, bad fall, Dad can't remember anything at all, in comes the help or off they go to a facility.
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Windy, PITA is Pain in the (butt) but a more graphic and colloquial term also used in lieu of "donkey".
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PITA - Pain in the @ss. Yes Windy, it will not necessarily be easy. A little finesse foes a long way. This will definitely be specific per situation. For some, the first few visits may include the loved ones until the elder is comfortable with this new person and trusts them. Some will have to realize they will not "get their lawn mowed" at all if they do not allow someone in (this is done in a controlled/safe manner of course). Again, each case will be specific to the need, but it can and is done with everyone happy with the outcome. The "difficult ones" have always been my favorite.
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Mouse, I've went back and read some of your comments. You're more of a hard a** than I am. I have little patience with people who make terrible decisions, end up with a life ruined by caregiving, but come on.... Many people are put in horrible situations through no fault of their own. My sibs died, now I'm it for my folks and I should d*mn well be allowed to whine about it on this forum or otherwise. But it doesn't consume me.

I like this discussion and that fact that you're spicing things up a bit but in all honestly, some of your comments are bordering on arrogance. Just sayin.......
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Windy, what can I say - I don't tiptoe around the truth. I have no intention of hurting or offending anyone and if I have I sincerely apologize. I have dealt with many of the issues people face on these threads as well. But I believe personal responsibility is key to success. The threads I see all over this website - "Useless sibs, I hate my sibs, Sibs do nothing" etc are beyond counter-productive in my opinion - they are abusive. Again, no offense intended to anyone - I call it like I see it.
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Mousehunters, You are truly an instigator with an unusually naive faith in a failing system of unfunded helps for seniors. You make a valid point about personal responsibility is [ a ] key to success.
Also key would be, prior to taking on the responsibility of caregiving one would have access to FULL DISCLOSURE about the often unfolding changes, responsibilities, and expectations of caregivers as the recipient of care need's change. Impossible to predict! It would be ignorant to believe there is this: "Will you be the only caregiver?", and the answer is a one-time, lifelong, "Yes". And no one tells the caregiver ahead of time: They will fight you on this, at every turn, both your parents and siblings, spouse, and extended family. That does not make anyone a martyr, imop.
There is a delicate psychological and emotional balance going on here in a good way, with desperate caregivers getting support, venting, having successes, and then helping others.
Your presence here is welcome, as Windy stated. However, if your statements mess with any of the dear people who are well-loved and understood by us all here; if we have to put them back together after you have enjoyed your time here, some of us are gonna come through the screen and give you a virtual SPLATT.


...
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