How can I best help my husband with his feelings of anger toward my "useless" siblings?

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They are useless, however I've accepted, he has not. It all began when we called my siblings 15 months ago to request that the 3 of them come for one weekend every 6-8 weeks or so to give me a break. They live in the same town 3 hours away. Excuses, anger and continued avoidance followed with the addition of them demonizing me. By calling them it seems we gave them a "valid" excuse for their behavior. In the meantime I took the necessary steps of hiring in-home sitters to care for mom at her nearby home. Today while still stressful, mom's care is much more manageable with these exceptions...my siblings do not speak to me and on the rare occasion that we are at the same function they are distant and uncomfortable around me. I'm cordial however I do not try to win them over or ask for anything from them. I have come to the place of accepting who I am and sadly who they are...that they will not change. I am determined to not invest anymore of my energy on them however my husband sees the injustice and continues to verbalize his extreme dislike. Sadly I am his audience.

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My husband calls my siblings useless too.. Because they are!

They are disrespecting my husband by allowing him to financially and physically care for their mother, while they are financially stable, retired, older than us selfish individuals.. With plenty of free time on their hands..

Out of sight, out of mind...
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Enabling? What an odd term... Mom is comfortably cared for in her own home. The members of her in-home care team are excellent. I do not resent my role in helping her to stay in her own home. These are her wishes. Where is the harm? No requests for help have been made in over 18 months. Nothing is expected of them.
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I had the normal thoughts about my brothers not helping with my parents. They were too busy or too far away. They had their own families at home. I learned a lot when my father died. Both my brothers were around until after the funeral, then left, instead of staying around to see if my mother was okay or to help with the legalities. They didn't even talk about my father. It made me realize that they didn't care much either about him or my mother. They were just doing the obligatory things.

I don't really blame them. My father had nothing to do with the family, particularly not in the last 40 years. My mother neglected the family as well, so there were no ties left, just some feelings of obligation to show up for the funeral. What is strange is these are my mother's golden children. I don't say anything bad about them to her. It would just hurt her to think that they don't care.

Maybe they really do care, but don't know how to show it. Both of them have started calling 2-4 times a month. That is a bit change.
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I have mixed feelings on this whole subject. While it was my choice to care for my Mom and I would of done it whether my siblings chose to help or not. I could of just let my Mom rot in her apartment and probably end up dying there but as a loving daughter I could not let that happen. We all have to live with our consciences. Some of us maybe just don't have that big of one.

I'll never look at my siblings the same way again. Their choice to leave so much up to me is beyond selfish in my book. But now that my Mom has passed I can at least know that I did the right thing. They have to live with themselves. Maybe, hopefully if they are at all human, they may have moments of guilt and remorse but I just don't care to even talk to them about it now.
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Sometimes I wonder if siblings act the way they do because they know it has been way over due to give the aging parent a higher level of care, such as being in Assisted Living. If the siblings did help, they are only enabling the elder to remain in the current situation.

I was enabling my parents to continue to live in their home which was no longer elder friendly because of the stairs. Staying in that house was the death of my Mom as she had a very serious fall. A month later Dad asked to move into Assisted Living as the house was too much for him even with Caregivers helping him out. Now he is happy as a clam at his new apartment. If my Mom wasn't so stubborn, and they had moved earlier, Mom might still be with us today.

Just food for thought.
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Hi CountryMouse, Your points are well taken. Sis does run collateral so that does take that off my plate...including that she continues to naively share "Mom news" with people who clearly don't care...actually, that's the part I enjoy the most...she innocently marches on sharing updates ...and probably on some level makes them mildly squirm. LOL
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Aubrey, I've only just seen your thread - it's an area I feel a lot of sympathy with, so I'm not sure why I didn't stumble across it before now. Still.

Reading the earlier posts, I admired your acceptance of your siblings' behaviour and agreed strongly with many of the ideas put forward. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with this kind of situation well. My own was very similar - right down to the half helpful, half aggravating sister and the useless two brothers. And now that my mother has passed away, not very reassuringly for you I realise, I'm afraid that things are not good.

I think that my sister expected things to smooth over by themselves. She didn't harp on about how super my brothers were, or how I should forgive them; but she did continue to give the impression that everything would get back to normal (whatever normal was) now that The Problem - that is, my mother - was over.

I don't communicate well with my sister, and tend to bottle things up. But there was one occasion when she hit a nerve, by accident, and I found myself saying bluntly how furiously angry I was with my older brother, and explaining why, and explaining that while I expected that one day I would get over it I hadn't yet and I didn't expect it to happen any time soon. I was extremely angry when I was speaking, but I suppose because this burst out spontaneously what I said was harsh, probably, but clear and reasoned. Since then she has silently dropped the entire subject.

I suppose one question I have is, when you say your sister 'pushes for reconciliation' - what kind of reconciliation?

If you mean that she insists on updating your brothers about your mother, and tries (even if fruitlessly) to include them in her life, then she's right to do so - for your mother's sake. Thank her for doing that job for your mother, because at least it saves you the task, and leave it at that.

But if she tells you that you love them really, and you must forgive them even while their behaviour is ongoing, and that you should regard them with warmth and affection and so on - well. I can't be polite. Tell her to get stuffed.

Or, at least, tell her that you will deal with your feelings towards your brothers your way, and in your own time, just as you are happy to allow her to do. And you may wish to add, should she try to argue, that her constant didactics are getting on your nerves and are therefore counter-productive. And if that fails, glare at her and hiss "drop it!" Try to look as if you might bite her if she doesn't. Try not to go as far as actual biting, though ;)
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Well, here I am again. As two of my siblings continue to promote ill will towards me I am at an interesting intersection, my one and only sibling that helps me with mom is insistent on pushing reconciliation with the slacker siblings. She says things to me like "I love my siblings" and "family is more important, I don't care what they do or don't do, they are still my brothers"...then she proceeds to give Biblical examples and lovely stories of forgiveness among our social circle. She keeps up with them and generally turns a blind eye to their lack of love, their lies and in particular their demonizing of me her only help. She even calls herself "the peacemaker". I don't think it is very peaceful...pointing out that I'm not forgiving etc... I deal with it as best I can ie little comment, no anger and generally keeping my focus on living a happy life as she and I care for mom exclusively. Thoughts?
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is he wanting you to do something else since they won't help?
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Thank you all for your wise words.
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