Anyone have ideas how to best handle this tricky situation?

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My ex mi, just died. Her youngest son J - a man of about 50 - has been being given money by his mum for years to the extent that she hardly had her own needs met. He is on disability, antidepressants and probably street drugs (crack pipes found), He collapsed when she died, was sent to ER, but recovered enough to collect her belongings from the hospital. Her other son, my ex, meanwhile stepped in to start making arrangements for cremation etc. However he needs ID that is in her wallet which #2 son has. There are lots of bad feelings between the two sons, so they cannot talk and nor can the POA as #2 son has alienated her. He has also made a wild accusation against me (he is pretty paranoid) but it seems that I am on the best terms of the three of us. Ex does not want any of whatever money is left nor any of the belongings except copies of any photos which have also been requested by other family members. After the divorce I remained friends with my ex mil for years and years which is the reason I am involved. We ( ex, POA and myself) only want to see her given a decent burial and we are willing to help ex bil with what needs to be done. No executor was named so it is basically up to family to look after things. Ex will get the death certificates so they can be sent to whoever needs them - pension people and so on, I will offer help from sig other and I to #2 son to move her belongings from the ALF to wherever he likes. Approaching #2 son to get the ID is the hard part. Any suggestions?

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Thx send I have been in touch regarding the damage deposit etc and POA will have to deal with that as she has signing authority at the ALF. All ex mil has coming back to her will go into her bank account.
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Start with the alf safe.
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Golden, don't know if this has been resolved yet or not. However, in a facility belongings have two categories. One, is her things. Second, is what they keep in the safe for the POA, probate, legal directions. There is a fiduciary responsibiity for what was /is in the safe, as well as what may have been in a personal account held for her.
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Thx Stacey - we are getting there and things seem secure. I will get back to you about the 23 thing - he did not get his way but not for not trying!!!
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Golden23, I'm so sorry for your loss, and this very tricky situation. I don't have anything to add, other than you sound as if you are doing everything you can do, and I hope that it all works out alright for you all. I'll be keeping you in my prayers! Stacey B
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Thank you, Golden.
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btw glad - so happy that your move is going well.
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glad - he picked up her things from the hospital - I am assuming that included her wallet. I don't know who the ALF will let into her unit. He has been there ad they know he is her son so I suspect they will let him in. I think it should go to the public trustee but not my call to make. I will try to get his cooperation but do not have high expectations. Sig other and I will offer to help him. I think it is the best we can do.
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Yeah, long shot. POA contacted the police several times but since ex mil allowed him to use her cc there was nothing they could do. We are assuming drug use due to his behaviours and that he uses $100s with nothing to show for it. Also POA found crack pipes when she cleaned out ex mils apartment. He is also on prescribed drugs for depression. But none of this would be enough. I am concerned that the ID is not secure. The bank has been notified and the branch will be notified tomorrow. I believe the cc accounts are frozen. POA had tried to restrict the spending as it was eating into money needed for ex mil's support. but the bank and cc company have no been cooperative. She did check the accounts today and there were no withdrawals so that is good, I think the accounts are secure. One of the problems is that no executor was named and son # 2 will try to take control I believe for his own reasons. With none named usually family steps forward. Who assesss if family is competent? Like I said - one step at a time,
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Golden, if nothing else, you could do as GA suggests, get police involved. What in the world is he doing with her wallet? He certainly does not want the id. Maybe he is hoping to access funds with her id? Who knows. He sounds like a very difficult person to deal with. I would ask him once for the id's telling him that they are needed to finalize arrangements. If he does not cooperate ask the funeral home to contact him. Or you may just want to skip asking him yourself. Are you sure he has the wallet?
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