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How to explain that the daughters don't want to be around sick people and they are very selfish with there time. The son does everything takes care of Medication management, oxygen, meals, manages finances, grocery shops manages care takers four hours a day and much more. The daughters are mad because she is using her money on healthcare and is not saving it for them. Its is unbelievable I have talked to people about it but that just say that the main caretaker always gets no appreciation. It is very sad that the daughters have turned out like they have you can only prey for them and hope they come to there senses.

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Caregiver1963: the sister who wants to "put Mom in a home" has NO IDEA that the home doesn't come free!
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I have two brothers that can't even make a call. One still works and lives 7 hrs away. Don't expect a reg. Visit but a call would be nice. The other just retired and lives 30 min away. She has seen him 3x since last Nov. and one time was a funeral of an Aunt. My Mom was a good mother. She sacrificed for her kids. There will come a time when she won't know us. I have always been the one who is there. I have raised my kids, been daycare for 2 Gsons and babysitter when needed. Have been there for my parents. Now we r retired. My husband is approaching 70. His parents r gone. We would like to do what we want when we want. Now, everything has to be planned. If we want to vacation, Mom would need to go to respite care which is not covered by Medicare. TG she is easy but she is bored. At this point of her dementia, she can no longer read which is what she enjoyed. Can't teach her anything new. She needs to be on one floor where she can walk around and interact with others her age.
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I will guess mom drove them off a long time ago with criticism and nagging. Bringing them back into the picture may create more problems than it solves. Let them go, they won't help with the funeral either. Send all the money to charity so they don't get that either.
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most people dont help but when your loved ones die they want to help themselves to everything left and the courts will help them sorry that is just the way it is
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Most of the time, the siblings who don't want to be involved are those that you are better off NOT having involved! You do not need people who have an attitude and probably would not do what was required. When I was taking care of my MIL, there was one sister-in-law who was great, another who was helpful but bossy, and the others were better off not helping. We did have a day care lady who was great, and made it work.
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Wow caregiver 1963 I sympathize with you. I have no one else to interfere or help. Everyone seems to know what's best for our mom except us the caregiver.
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I'm in that boat, I enjoy taking care of my mother and do everything for her that she is unable to do herself...the sibling wants her house and money signed over and our mother shoved into a home...my response...like h*ll thats ever gonna happen...I have a surprise birthday planned for our mother so sibling ruined the surprise and is now trying to use the party to get our mother into a home flipping blame on me for her actions saying the party is a set up....sibling does nothing, sees elderly parents as an inconvenience...also finding out that sibling issues abuse at mother over the phone and has done it in person so sometimes they are better off staying gone
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I am caring for my mom who has vascular dementia. I have an brother who will not help. So I just take one day at a time. I live with my mom, take care of meds, shopping, finances and whatever else is needed. I made a promise to her and to God that I would care for her only as long as I was able to then I would have to make other arrangements. I have POA medical and financial and I don't believe anyone else gives a darn, but if they do they can consult the elder care lawyer.
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I went through the same with my sister, they flat told me that they would do nothing. they quiz me on every dime I spend on Mom, if I even buy her a new blouse they seem to get pissed off. This all drove me crazy for a couple years, I just could not believe that my sister and niece acted and talked the way that they did, I tried EVERYTHING to get them to change and just like everyone has said you can't change someone. I finally threw in the towel and decided that if they wanted to be that way I could do nothing so I just stopped trying. I still get very upset at times thinking "how can my own family act this way" believe me if somehow you can come to terms with it all you will be much better off. I believe I was causing myself to go crazy, I was mad all the time, we fought all the time, things were said that should never have been said and its taken its toll on our relationship. My Mom means more to me than anything so I have just decided to do as much as I can and make her as happy as I can while I have the chance. I believe I was running my own life because I was so upset and worried about their behavior, then one day it hit me that I'm wasting time that I could be spending loving and having fun with Mom while I still can. I am very lucky to have the husband that I do and my friends are amazing, they all help out and love to spend time with Mom and she seems to be doing better and I totally believe that its because she has so much fun with everyone. I never say anything around Mom about my sister and niece but I know she knows in her heart because of the stuff she will say to me, she actually told me one day that she did not want to go visit them anymore. It finally hit me that I would really hate to be them after Mom is gone I'm sure it will hit them as to what they have done and how they treated her. Honestly, it you can get through it all and I know its hard but in the end you will know that you did all that you could do and I believe your Mom will also know this. Good luck.
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Keep good records! But in thinking about the siblings - could they see what you do and are overwhelmed and think they couldn't do it? Could you maybe list some very specific tasks and see if they could do some of those? (ex pick up mom's meds, rake the leaves, do a few loads of laundry, etc) I'll probably be wrong - but perhaps they just need some specific tasks spelled out?
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This is the exact dynamic in our family--my brother has mother living with him and does the lion's share of caregiving as it's needed. I do what I can, but mother really only allows and trusts brother. (It's probably 80% him and 20% me)
You CANNOT make uninterested sibs help out. I've tried, through emails, phone calls, letters and finally, almost threats. If they don't care to help, they won't.
I know that when mother passes, there is almost no "estate" and I know who will be cleaning out her "stuff" and organizing the distribution of personal effects..me.
Brother has not needed to keep records of his time and caregiving efforts. One thing the sibs do agree on is that he should inherit all that mother leaves behind.
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im not sure...but the trust deems what will happen with the estate. do you guys have one? my dad had to change his...because i am the primary caretaker...and one brother never comes over at all!
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Great answer, Mum. I totally agree. I am the total caretaker daughter and have a similar case - only it's the only son who doesn't do diddly and accuses those that do.... I have written a few long letters over the last few years, detailing exactly what is happening & why & how much it costs to my brother. When my father passes away & the estate is probated, I want to have meticulous receipts and records of what went where AND the evidence that I told him what was happening in detail to give him every opportunity to step up & become involved - or even express an opinion. Given his attitude so far, I've got no doubt that he'll be the one that will challenge the executors of the estate (me & my sister). I figure this way any attorney or judge will tell him that he was informed & everything is in order and he has no legal justification for a challenge.
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This advice is for you, if you are the son/caregiver, or for that person, if not you:
Keep meticulous records of your mother's money and what it is spent on. Turn her down if she suggests that you take some for yourself / your time, but do allow her to pay her/your expenses (gas, supplies, food). Offer to show the books to the daughters. Remind them that medical and care costs not covered by insurance will be large, and that a person does NOT HAVE AN ESTATE until after they have died. Until then, she will need to spend HER money on HERSELF and HER CARE.
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oh yes...to see my mother in the state she is in now...and still declining is killing me...i wish i could trade places with her!!! she was a great, strong, mother and went thru soooo much in her life. i would gladly trade with her...she doesn't deserve to go out like this!
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When my MIL was in her last illness, the daughters-in-law wound up being caregivers because the daughters couldn't deal with the sight of their mother, who had always been a very strong, hardworking person, going downhill.
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yes, very sad, but so unusual to hear the son is the sole caretaker and 4 sisters don't help! and yes, as people have said, we hear this a lot! one person has most or all of the responsibility of caring for a loved one! hopefully he has the legal papers he needs to care for her. and, unfortunately you can't expect anything from anyone...if they choose not to help. got bless that son!!!
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It is apparently pretty common for one person in a family to do the actual hands-on caregiving. (I am lucky that is not the case in my family, but I see it here all the time.)

Do not count on your sisters coming to their senses. Highly unlikely that a major change will take place.

So, you do it all. Bless you. But when it becomes more than you can handle (as it often does, depending on the loved ones' impairments) make the decisions about more in-home help (with mother's money, of course) or an appropriate care center.

Do you have Power of Attorney? Medical Proxy? Is there an Advance Directive about end-of-life situations. My advice would be to get all these ducks in a row now, because I don't think you can count on sisters suddenly truly helping.
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They don't have to be near Mom to send a dinner over, do errands and shopping for you. Sorry to say, don't think you can get thru to people like these daughters.
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Curious, what sibling are you? Or are you the son doing the caregiving?

Could it be that being your mother is pushing 90 years old that she needs a higher level of care for whatever medical condition she has? Even if your 4 sisters did pitch in, would it be enough to help? Probably not.

Sometimes we need to step back to see the forest for the trees and realize we are way over our heads when it come to being a caregiver. Plus not everyone is able to be a caregiver. Some would pass out at the sight of blood, so what good would that be to an elder they are caring?

Did your four sisters say to you that they are each upset that their mother is using her own money for her healthcare? Really? There has to be a back story here. Would it be possible for your sisters to join this website to see why they think this way?
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