How can you blame others for what you have done?

Mousehunters, If you fill out your profile, let us get to know you better, then if you do any real harm, we can send a team after you. lol.

Mousehunters, how can the siblings, left behind, who thought they had a better plan fail so miserably to put that plan into effect? If one is prone to place blame, that too would work both ways? I do not like blaming, it is not a nice thing to do, and places one in a false superior position to judge others who disagree.

Mousehunter, Yes, I am a lousy caregiver, and you have resorted to name-calling and belittling me to gain power and control over me and others, rather than respect for your point of view.

Sendme, your first sentence speaks the truth of the situation. Even the link provided above for senior services led me to a dead end. The link for Alabama led to a page no longer there. We run into dead ends a lot.

We do have Meals on Wheels here, and there is home companions who don't charge too much ($10-30 an hour). There is a state program called Alabama Cares that is supposed to provide around 6 hours free respite a week, but I haven't heard of anyone using that. Maybe it is because no one knows where to find it. Is it really anywhere? I can't even find it on the internet anymore. I can't use 6 hours free respite, but I know some people could.

I'm sure there are many resources I don't know about. That is where a good county social worker comes in handy. What I found for my parents was that they had too much to qualify for much of anything. I have a feeling, however, that there are many areas of the country that have elder-friendly services. We'll probably see more in time as more people are opting to age in place.

Mousehunter, Apology accepted.

You come across with a tone of smug superiority, implying that those who vent their frustrations with family members are simply whiners who fail to take responsibility for their own bad decisions. While I agree that may be true in some cases, many others have found themselves caught between the proverbial rock and hard place where there are no perfect answers. Your comment about the "difficult ones" always being your favorites especially got my goat, as you seem to characterize "difficult" elders as those crusty but loveable curmudgeons we see on old sit-coms, and with a little gentle coaxing they will learn to see things your way. In real life some caregivers have had to overcome a family history of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, mental illness, addiction, blended families and a host of other family dysfunction. And they don't get to go home at the end of the day like a paid caregiver, but have to live with the role 24/7. Perhaps not my reality or yours, but I for one feel compassion for their pain, not disdain.

Mouse, you can't possibly know about services everywhere on the map. You know what you have experience with, nothing more.

I don't think it's abusive for people to say they hate their do-nothing sibs. These threads are only intended for the ears of fellow caregivers, many of whom are facing the same issues. They're just letting off steam, which is one of the purposes of this board.

You display a glaring lack of sympathy and support for those of us who are trapped in the middle with our elderly parents - no help from siblings (or way too little), no affordable services, and no feasible way out.

It gets under my skin because I've heard many of the same statements from my one local sibling who does the least to help my mother. She was the one to accuse me of acting like a martyr and also the one to jump all over me with guilt trips, accusing me of reneging on my promises to Mom, when I wanted to move 90 miles away for an academic program and only take care of Mom on weekends. I don't hate her but I sure as hell resent her attitude.

This made me think when I visited the Alz.org page to find resources. There was some educational information. When I tried to find resources, I found the ad to help raise money and awareness by walking. Not what I was looking for. I then found a link to a fairly decent support group that concentrated on communication skills, but wasn't so good when it came to supporting the caregiver. It was really an Alz support group, while AC focuses on the caregiver an his/her real problems.

And really, the senior services for Alabama in the link you provided did lead to a dead end. http://www.adss.alabama.gov/ was no longer up and running. That happens when things change.

Re-read the posts of Mousehunter in order and one can better understand the Borderline Personality Disorder, starts out strong, making sense, then deteriorates quickly into abuse, name-calling, accusations that others are lying, then hateful rage when others have a different experience.

Yes, the P.E.T. team. Stands for Psychiatric Evaluation Team.
Do you need help?

I'm an only child, like freqflyer, with no other living relatives to care for my mother. I go back and forth in my mind, questioning if I made the right decision; when I see other people living their lives, having a family and/or moving up the career ladder or just plain enjoying their lives, I feel angered and resentful about my situation; when I read horror stories of elder abuse or neglect in a nursing home, I feel relieved and thankful that I have the opportunity to have Mom live with me. It's just overall hard to say for most of us what is best way to handle the care of an aging loved one. My feeling now is that if I really wanted to put my mother in a home, I would've but I guess I'm not at my breaking point just yet; Thank God for the wine in my kitchen! But I'll say, and this only pertains to me, that because of what I went through by caring for both parents simultaneously and now caring for just one, I'm overall a better, wiser, and more compassionate person. I wasn't a bad person before, but, frankly it was all about me. However, I vicariously lived through the suffering of my father (he suffered horrifically from this and that side effect of multiple medical treatments) and as a result I understand what it means to truly enjoy every minute I have with my mother and also with myself. I also made the decision to live out my dreams and work towards my goals as much as I can so I don't have any regrets on my deathbed, and in this respect it's all about me, again, but in a good way. :-)

I think you said it well, careisgiving. We feel anger and resentment about our own situation. Last night my brother and SIL came by and talked about the things they had been doing. I thought of how boring and constrained my own life has become. I mean, I am even excited about a new restaurant that is opening a couple of blocks away. My life has gotten so small.

At the same time, I know that my life has meaning. I know I am the rock that keeps everyone else's life normal, no matter how crumbly I might be. It may not be much fun to be a sedentary, crumbly rock, but it is just a phase of life I'm going through right now.

You grab your wine. I'll get a beer. Cheese and crackers, anyone?

I;ll have a beer with you Jessie,, and I am also wondering if if this poster is actually the deadbeat sibling.

Jessie, good insight into the dual nature of caregiving.

Pam, find some chocolate and I'll join you!

Well golly, gosh, gee whiz! That was fun! Guess she/he/it really told us.......

And every aging parent situation is different. It's really hard to say what is best as a general blanket for every caregiver. In my case, my mother is bedridden (so I don't have to worry about her wandering in the middle of the night or breaking her hip, but I do use a Hoyer lift to get her into her chair), is very quiet and doesn't yell or scream, for now, (so I can get my full night's rest but still have the baby monitor on in case she needs me), is unable to feed herself due to severe hand arthritis (I admit, I get a little tired of waiting for her to slowly chew every bite as I wolf down my food because I'm anxious to get to the next task on my To-Do List), has severe urinary incontinence (her diapers need to be changed every few hours), etc. She's very easy, at least for now - but she's still a 24/7 job as I DO EVERYTHING (cooking, running errands, cleaning/maintaining the home and the such) and I'm exhausted by day's end. My father worked his ass off to make sure my mother's medical needs were met. The downside is that she doesn't qualify for Medicaid and even if she did, it's not all 5-star hotel treatment as if she were private-pay. Last year, I saw on the local news of a Medicaid-funded nursing home that was being investigated by the State for maggot and cockroach infestation, mold everywhere, elder neglect, portable ac units were broken in multiple rooms (and we live in AZ where it's HOT in the summer), building was in need of major repair all over inside and out, etc. The owner was just cashing the huge checks while the elder residents were living in squalor and filth. It was so, SO bad that I cried - literally, I did - because I was so thankful that my mother is not one of those residents. I understand not all Medicaid-funded homes are like this but the options of "good and safe" care are limited, at least where we live, and if you find such place you still need to be actively involved in your aging loved one's care to advocate for his/her needs; it's not like you just drop them off at summer camp and then pick them up on their deathbed. Believe me, we're not The Rockafellers and I'm fortunate to be able to afford in-home respite relief once a week so I can have a break, but I still have to screen the relief caregiver, making sure she won't sit on her cell phone all day long instead of tending to my mother. It's hard to find a relief caregiver that actually cares! They're out there but I had to go through multiple caregivers to find the right fit for us. In our situation, I have the option to put my mother in a nice, clean group home (that costs a pretty penny and the staff will just stick my mother in front of the television all day long), but I haven't and because of this I won't play the victim card. In fact, it's because of our situation I see this as an opportunity to put into motion my goals and dreams because I don't want to be floundering after Mom does actually pass away. I will be so, so sad when she does move on that I need my "own things", my own accomplishments to keep me focused on my bigger picture, which is to do all that I can to live the best life I can - and that I want to become successful so that I when I'm my mother's age I can afford whatever care and medical equipment I need. I don't want to end up in one of these State-investigated nursing homes. ! And like you, JessieBelle, I know my life has meaning and I also know that I'm on the right path. My life course would've been completely different (in a bad way compared to what it is now) if my parents didn't both need my help full-time at that stage of my life. So, I'm excited to see what the next phase of my life will bring. I'm starting a business (one of my "own things) and once I get enough stable and consistent revenue from it, I'll be able to afford graduate school (one of my accomplishments). And, like I said, thank goodness for the wine that keeps me sane through all the mental and physical storms. :-)

Eeek...I've had a little bit too much red as my thoughts all came flooding out. I'm going to bed right now. Good night, all! :-)

But sometimes professors can learn things from freshmen.

That last statement made no sense where it is. I should have addressed it to windy's last message. :) I am so fallible.

Well, this was an interesting read. :) When I first saw the topic line I did a double-take. I thought it was asking how to shift the blame to someone else. I expected it to say something like, "I really did an awful thing I regret. It would hurt my mother deeply if she knew that I did it. How can I convince her that my do-nothing brother did this thing?" LOL

So the actual message seemed reasonable to me, once I sorted it out. But the thread disintegrated fast.

Glad, if it was a twisted, and the similarity was telltale, it was good practice.

Sounds so much of what I have heard, or they alluded to for the past four years! Maybe it is? Maybe it's not? But there are many that just do not understand caregiving at all! It makes it so much easier for them as long as someone else does it.

Great reading! I was getting really pissed off with Mousehunters. I guess that's why he/she named itself "mousehunters" ... It was after mouse (poor-me-caregiver-whom-I-hate-my-siblings). Instead, it got a whole bunch of Mighty Mouse caregivers who questioned all of it's comments and even checked the website it posted. Anyway, it admitted it was 'playing' with us...

I have a feeling Mouse wants to tell off her own siblings, but she doesn't dare (or they've shut off her venom stream long ago) so she took us on as a proxy. The result was predictable. It's what happens when you thrust your extremely biased views, cloaked as the "truth", upon people who actually know what "truth" is. Hopefully, she won't be back.

Regardless of Mouse and his/her intentions, there is an interesting point here. We live in a rather mobile society and most children move away from the town where their parents live; multiple children=multiple locations. For a while, having the parent "age in place"; either in their own home or in a nice IL or AL near where they lived can be fine; everyone is equally distant and can visit/help out equally. But for us, there was a crisis and mom had a stroke. Once she needed to be in full time care, it seemed to be the best idea to have her close to ONE of us so that in a true emergency (ER/hospital), one of us could be there quickly to oversee. We researched our options and decided, as a group, that moving mom closest to brother with POA/flexible job schedule/grown children and no medical issues of his own and no small children was the best option. He and his wife knew going into this that the burden of "first response" would be theirs. I'm almost 2 hours away; I help by being the point person for the doctors, etc, and I take off when needed to accompany mom to increasingly rare doctor visits. My youngest brother is 4 hours away and still has underage children. he comes up to visit a couple of times a year; this annoys POA brother, but when asked what he'd like little bro to do, he is at a loss to say what would be a "job" for him.

In truth, I think that siblings who don't get the "full brunt" of the caregiving should be grateful to the sibs who take this on; not act as armchair quarterbacks and act as backup when caretaking sibs go on vacation.

It was Mouse insistence that there are all these program just there if we just look instead of complaining and expecting the non-caregiving to help out.... We did look at options. Dad had to fight for meals-on-wheels to include him in it. He even tried for food stamps but got denied. A lot of the government programs are for those who are under food stamps and low income housing. Unfortunately, we're on the lower rung of middle income family (since we obviously don't qualify as low income family.)

My mom is also on the lower rung of "middle income." If she lived a lot more frugally, she'd probably be able to afford some hired help. But, try being the one who explains that to an 80 year old: "Mom, you have to give up your daily lunches at Panera, your 200 cable channels, your vehicle, and the new carpeting for your home, because that money needs to be put aside for care needs." Try explaining that especially when you are the adult child who lives nearby and the parent expects you to attend to the care needs. It's very easy to say Mom needs to hire help or use sliding scale services when you live 1,000 miles away. When you live 20 miles away, Mom's first question is "But why can't you do it?" Followed by "I'm not ready to give up my car. I need those cable channels. What, I'm not supposed to even enjoy lunch???"

It's a lot easier to blame the caregivers for being "martyrs" than put yourself in their place and understand the pressure they're under from their parents, their parents' friends and neighbors, and the whole rest of society to step up and help the old folks out.

And those same siblings that sometimes even live in the immediate area, within ten miles, think the care is perfect, allows parent to remain in the home, up until the point that sibling is paid by parent for the care. All of the sudden the money that the child caregiver is paid for their services, then the issue becomes the inheritance money that is being spent on care and paid to the 24/7 child that the others will not get!

A lot of the time people forget that the elder folks are still people with desires and preferences of their own. People on the outside start to see them as objects that can be picked up and placed here or there. Most of all people outside don't understand that the great services they hear about are often nothing but lip service. When you go to look, there is very little available that doesn't cost a lot when you add it all together. I really like that AARP is addressing the needs of family caregivers. Has anyone been following their efforts?

I believe the original intent of this posting was to bring to light those who choose freely to become a caregiver with the expectations of sibling help and not knowing the responsibilities it comes with caregiving. I am tired of people blaming others for the choses they make in life that turn out bad. This is an excellent subject to post.