So, as you can imagine Mom has ongoing needs.

She needs the dog taken to the vet, she needs prescription pick up several times per month, she needs regular shopping done and so on.

She has lately started giving me tasks, and telling me to just get it done with no regard for my projects.

I sometimes work very long hours and for several weeks straight.\

The problem isn't getting the tasks done, the problem is the timing of the tasks and the reliance on me to complete them.

I am in touch with several of Mom's past paid in home aides. I know these people would do the tasks.

Mom acts like it is my problem achieving this best case scenario for her/

I do not have time right now.

How in the world would you approach this constant pressure to provide what is clearly easier for an aide to provide???

Thank You community members..

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My former MIL had multiple RXs that renewed at different times. I talked to her doctor, who was also my GP about getting them all on the same schedule. One problem solved.

I then set her up with a lovely independent pharmacy that does free deliveries in town. 2nd problem solved.

Note the solutions did not require ongoing action by me.

And having the RXs renew at the same time reduced the number of doctor visits to one every 3 months.

She did not want to use HandiDart to go to the doctor, so she had to pay for a cab. I worked 6 days a week 4 out an hour away, so I was not going to be her solution. Her other DIL helped at times, but both sons rarely stepped up.

Grocery shopping was a 4 hour ordeal, she went up and down every aisle in Wally World, including automotive, baby etc. After she had a neighbour call me to complain that I was neglecting her because she needed milk, I put my foot down. I told the neighbour 2 days earlier I had called to ask if she needed anything. She had said no. I gave her the forms to sign up for a seniors shopping service. My problem was solved.

Solving a problem for our elders does not require that we personally perform the task. Even if that is what the elder wants.
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GardenArtist Oct 2021
Very good advice, as well as problem solving solutions.
Your mom's in-home help needs to be managed differently.
I've been an elder caregiver for many years both with agencies and privately employed.
For nearly all of my private-pay cases, the families told me ahead of time that if there was a problem to handle it and not to call unless it's an actual emergency. Many of the clients would refuse things like bathing, cleaning the house, or having me do their shopping. They'd always say their son or daughter will take care of it and they'd reach for the phone to call them.
They would come around when I'd tell them that their son or daughter left me very specific instructions that they not be called unless it's an emergency and that I would get in trouble if the work doesn't get done. Maybe have your mother's homecare aids try this approach. I've had luck with it over the years.
Also, none of the tasks getting done is your problem. You've arranged help for your mother which was the right thing. Whether or not she wants to be fussy and not accept it, is her problem. Block her number during your work hours. Don't answer all of her calls. Refuse to do the work for her. She'll come around.
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Maple3044 Oct 2021
Your suggestion of having the caregiver tell mom she would get in trouble is spot on. My hubby's caregiver has used that tactic to get him in the shower - i told her she should get an Academy Award for Best Actress, as she gives him sad eyes and quivering lips!!
I find as people age they forget what it was like to work and the demands of an employer. For 10 or more hours a day your life is not your own.

Most pharmacies deliver. Find her one that does. Same with grocery shopping. Can order on-line and then pick it up or have it delivered. When I did this for my Mom, it was when I could do it. Your Mom needs to realize, she is not the center of your Universe. Find out what the aides are willing to do. Then tell Mom she will need to depend on them work.

She needs you more than you need her. So the ball is in your court. You pick what you can and can't do. You set the boundries for you. If she doesn't like it, oh well. The days when children gave up their lives to care for a parent is gone. There are resources out their for our Seniors.
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In general I agree with what Isthisrealyreal posted. But, I think much depends on whether your mother is sliding into dementia/memory problems and she can't really adjust/understand the impact of her demands on her daughter. I'm assuming you're her PoA?

I would start with if she's recently (or ever) had a cognitive exam. That will allow you to better gauge her abilities and what your level of participation needs to be. If she's never had her cognition and memory tested, this needs to happen so you can make more informed decisions.

If she shows impairment or decline from her last test, then I really think you will need to take the time to get helps in place. It's going to need to happen anyway at some point and once it's in place it will help your schedule, with the understanding that adjusting her care help is an ever-changing issue with dementia and decline. You will still need to manage aids as your mom becomes less able. What is the plan for her care as she loses her abilities to manage in her own home? This is an important discussion to have sooner rather than later.
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Tell her NO and follow through.

Make it clear that she needs to have her aid do it or it won't get done.

When she tells you to just get it done, remind her that you are an adult and you do what you can because you want to, not because you must unquestioningly obey her.

Then when she throws a tantrum, hang up walk away, disengage.
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