I need to not feel like a horrible son and seek advice. My mother is 74 years old and we share the house. We both have physical disabilities and have our own medical problems to deal with. She had a brain bleed about two years ago, which was a traumatic event. Before that she was semi mobile, as in she would get out of the bed, to a chair, to the toilet on her own. She would also do the same for bathing. Since the brain bleed, she refuses to get out of the bed, so she's bedridden by choice now almost. She refuses to even attempt to try what she could do before, even with assistance. This is going to sound horrible but I think she has the strength to try with help. I have to change her and clean her up daily. She will bathe herself in the bed. Basically I just feel like a horrible son because I get so frustrated with her and need advice on how to cope. I try my best to get out of the house for time to myself as much as I can. I have tried to get help in the house but her insurance won't pay for it, and our income is too high for state assistance. My family is of no help.

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My mom is kind of the same way. She can do way more than she does. She can take way better care of herself than she does. She just doesn't try very hard. I have to push and it's maddening.

I would not want to take care of a bedridden person. That is WAY too much. You could first try setting some strict boundaries. Decide what you are and are not willing to do. Does your mom have any extra money to pay for an aid? Tell her, I am no longer gong to do X, Y, Z. You will have to pay for an aid to do these things for you in the future. If you refuse to do this, you will need to move into a facility.

Good for you for getting out of the house. That'll keep most of your sanity but you need more.

It is not uncommon for other family members not to be helpful. Try not to begrudge them that. Many people know that they are NOT cut off for taking care of people. If they don't want to do it, it is better for them not to be involved.
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I would allow your Mom to go into care now. Her income can go to her care, and whatever other care required will be paid by supplementing, I am hoping. It is likely time to recognize, with your own limitations due to disability, that you cannot be her primary caregiver. I can't think of any other option in all truth. I am certain, facing this that you have gone through in your own mind what other options there are. I am hoping others have good suggestions to help you, but sadly this is the only one I can think of. It doesn't come down to how "good" or how "bad" we are. There is no fix-it to chronic disabilities. Whether or not your Mom is more able than she seems to be really cannot be known.
I wish you the best, and am so sorry for all you are going through.
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You are not a horrible son. Have you called Council on Aging? What about palliative care? Hospice? Speak with a social worker to find out what your options are? What about a facility for her? You matter as much as she does. Please don’t neglect yourself. My health declined when cared for my mom.

I feel your pain. My mom with Parkinson’s disease recently died in a hospice house but I had her in my home for 15 years. Caregiving is the hardest job that I have ever had. It is emotionally and physically draining.

Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.
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