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You have not heard from me for a while. I do read posts most days.


My Father has been in care since Oct 2017. He was nasty to me and blamed me for puting him there.


At home he refused help of any description. It was his way or none. He was not washing and refused help to do so from carers. Not eating, not changing clothes. Urinating on floor and in basin beside bed. Just lay in bed and done number 2s. I am only child and he thought he could bully me into doing what he wanted. He kicked up a fuss about being in care but about 3 months ago it calmed down. However twice have went in to torrent of abuse and swearing. He wants out again. I am going to have a break for a week before I show face again. I can cope when he tells lies. Just ignore it but really can't stand abuse and that's what it is. How do I deal with it? Can't go through this again. Doctor has seen him and said no mental health issues but loss of capacity. He's almost 93. Any advice greatly appreciated.

There is no ryhmn or reason when it comes to Dementia/ALZ. I would talk to the staff and ask if there have been changes in Dad. If its just you, then stay away. If they agree there has been talk to the DON and ask if he can be given an anxiety med. They do get agitated and its not good for them.

Telling them you will be back when they are calm may not work. They have short term memory, so may not even remember you were there. They no longer reason. Because of these, there can be no conditioning. It really depends on what stage they r in.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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"No mental health issues"

but

"He was not washing and refused help to do so from carers. Not eating, not changing clothes. Urinating on floor and in basin beside bed. Just lay in bed and done number 2s."

Honestly I would find another doctor. I am not sure what "losing capacity" means, but this is not a picture of normal aging. I think he needs a thorough evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist. There may be some meds that would help him. I agree with leaving whenever his behaviour is bad.
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Reply to golden23
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JoAnn29 Dec 26, 2018
Her profile says he has Dementia/ Alz. I guess that doesn't constitute a mental illness?
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Thanks. The mental health team told me similar when he was at home 're boudaries. I just need to do it now ..Thanks for help and reminding me
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Reply to Patience13
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You just tell him that you are sorry he is having a bad day and you'll come back later and hopefully he will be feeling better.

I have found dropping the ugly behavior right in their lap to be most effective, I will get apologies before I can hang up or leave the room most times, if not I just keep on with separating myself from the ugliness.

You DO NOT DESERVE to be treated as a kicking post, don't stand for it. Tell him what ever works, you can't treat me that way, you are obviously having a bad day, I won't tolerate you treating me like this, whatever helps you get the point across. Then if the behavior continues, say no more and leave. You must do this everytime he gets ugly, he will eventually figure out that he is in complete control over the visit. Ugly =short, nice = long.

I know it sucks that this just keeps coming around and around and around and.....but they assume that eventually you will cave and give them what they want. You found a place that handles him well and he is clean, fed and safe. Great job, now you enforce your boundaries and maybe you will have some good times in the future.

It doesn't matter if he thinks your the bad guy, you matter in this relationship and deserve to not be abused.

You got this! Hugs!
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Patience13 Dec 26, 2018
Thank you so much. There is no way he's going home.
I will try hard to deal with it using advice.. hugs back
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I sound like a broken record, but he can only verbally abuse you if you tolerate it. Sure, he’s your father, but he gave up control of you when he gave up bathing, started peeing in whatever container was handy and lying in his poo. I don’t for one minute believe that there’s nothing mentally wrong with him.

Do not allow him to bully you into taking him home to care for him. He will try. He will yell and cuss and threaten. Walk away. Things will only get worse if this happens. You pay for his care in the facility. Let them deal, with him. And speak with the facility’s doctor to see if there are any medications he could be on for anxiety.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Boundaries - when he starts abusing you - you politely say "I do not allow anyone to speak to me that way" and you LEAVE. He will learn.

It took my mom a long while as she found each and every boundary but I stood firm. She knows now.
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