Been a rough 9+ months. DH had 2 major heart attacks within 2 weeks of each other, both were considered to be "life enders" and he was granted the miracle of living though both. 5 stents placed, about 7 news meds added to his regimen-I can't even keep track of everything he's on now. He's doing well now, and I think I handled the initial attacks with as much composure as I could. He was off work for 3 months, hanging out at home, sleeping 24/7 and being a terrible patient, I had NO respite, not even a lunch out.
I THOUGHT I was doing well. Really. Almost too good. Yes, I was angry at DH for being a rotten patient, but that wasn't news to me, we've already nursed him back from a liver transplant (cancer) chemo, and a stroke and a horrible motorcycle accident all in the last 12 years. I am always thrown into the role of CG and I really try to do my best, but have come to realize DH will do just what he wants and that's just how it is. He's just a terrible patient and always will be. This isn't ABOUT him.
About 2 months ago I began having horrible panic attacks in the middle of the night. Just heart pounding, BP through the roof panic attacks. I would try to walk it off, meditate it away, and at the last take double dose of my antianxiety meds.
I always settled down, but the next day I would feel like crap. Then I was anxious I would have MORE panic attacks and it has become this vicious circle.
I do have Klonipin to take, up to 4 mgs a day, not a huge dose, but I haven't had it changed in 18 years. It works, all the time, every time. Thank God!!
BUT--I think these p/a's are my GAD generalized anxiety disorder) rearing it's ugly head and I can't imagine that I have waited for 9 months to react to DH's close call with death, again. It's so frustrating!!!!!!
I just saw my psych doc and he actually wants me to start tapering off of it..which is panic inducing on its own. I told him I simply didn't feel ready and he didn't pursue the topic.
Problem I have is that most months, I am fine with the dosing amount and don't take more than 4 mgs a day. But suddenly this panic thing comes out of the blue and I am right back at step one...and it takes a mg or two to deal with how I feel. I already know I will run out 5 days before I can refill them and I am already feeling anxious and sick to my stomach thinking about it. The mini-withdrawal is hellish....
Try getting a call in to my psych doc and all I get it "Go to the ER, they will admit you".
Love of heaven, ADMIT me for having a panic attack and when they give me a Xanax or something, I will be perfectly FINE. I just need my doc to actually LISTEN to me and realize that life is very, very, very stressful, DH cannot bear for me to be anything other than FINE at all times.
I really "think" that I am simply now 'feeling all the feels' from last year when he was so sick for so long and I had zero support. (And to add to the stress, I was walking around on a broken foot for 6 months because I couldn't take the time for myself. I just got out of cast and am adjusting to orthotics, which are excruciating.
How do I get across to my psych doc that once in a while--life gets too be too much. I am so tired from being on edge all the time...Anybody else feel anxiety from something that happened months, even years ago?
Maybe I come across at the p-docs office as being "fine" b/c I am so accustomed to always telling everyone that I am just FINE, when the absolute opposite is the truth.
Partly, I am sure, this is due to being burned out with the care and keeping of a person who is fundamentally a really nice guy, but who is sick a LOT and becomes impossible to deal with.