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Oooh I don't want this to turn into a long winded poor poor pitiful me rant, but I AM TIRED and its getting to me, I should not feel this old when I'm this young (55). My own health has been neglected due to everything being about HIM. I took care of my mom, and my dad end of life, now my partner. He has mild to moderate dementia caused by NPH and possibly vascular but they wont know how bad that is till the NPH surgery is done. He is going in for surgery in a couple weeks for a shunt that will either "kill him or cure him" so to speak. Of course this is through the VA and if they would have LISTENED to me 4+ years ago this would have already been dealt with. But they hit us with this NOW while we are trying to buy a home.
I'm TIRED, I'm LONELY and I am wanting to find some live in care. We are in the process of buying a home (renting now) and hopefully moving out of this Godforsaken state, SOON. I have 0 friends, 0 living family and no support system. I am TIRED. I want to lean back and BREATHE and just do what I want to do, even if its napping for HOURS without worry, or NOT having to clean. The VA has destroyed me, everything with them is a non stop hours long FIGHT on the phone and more paperwork than you can imagine. I pretty much quit that fight. They win. I do NOT drive him to appts. (as the hospital is far far away-at least in my small town terms) I am a homebody. I let a wheelchair van pick him up. And since the new ins. first of the year that is a hit or miss if they will pick him up. I used to send NOVELS with him...but of course Doctors can't READ. I would be on speaker phone, but of course Doctor's don't like it when you are smarter then they are, at least in the common and well researched sense. Though I am not face to face with docs I am still a very loud mouthed advocate. Last year at this time I spent close to 6 mo on the phone for 3-5 hours a DAY (including insane hold times) with the VA. Recently when I speak to anyone I just lose my voice. My back is SHOT, I've gained a ridiculous amount of stress weight that helps nothing.


I am looking for a caregiver who is also a loud mouthed advocate. Someone who will hold my hand and babysit him at appts. Shopping, light housekeeping perhaps. I have run the gauntlet of exploring everything from Craigslist (mostly scary people who want sex or homeless wanting short term roof) and places like SilverNest (who's website wants a stupid amount of money to post and doesn't really address caregiving.) Just to get my dogs to the vet I have posted on Care.com with sad to no responses (and you have to pay for that website too!)


I am looking to "ADOPT" a caregiver-friend...does that sound weird? One that can be perhaps a long term platonic friend, stay with us, and me after he's gone in exchange for low to free rent or ability to have a horse or animals in the home as well. I am an eccentric, eclectic artist and creative writer, artist, gamer, animal person. Not a bible thumper. I often refer to myself as a gender fluid educated redneck. He, mostly stays in his room, which is in DIRE need of cleaning. He needs help with showers.


I have this FANTASY of some gay older nurse or similar. Or some woman my age who is nice but like an army nurse when it comes to managing care/meds/appts. But compassionate. A hand holder with me, someone who can handle his whiny outbursts and BE there in the hospital with him when I cannot. Tough. I've reached the point of just taking the dogs to the vet for anything more than shots weirds me out. Love my dogs, (one also is elderly and needs caregiving) but I don't want to BE there for the poking prodding or surgery. I was always a strong person but I feel more broken than strong anymore. I am tired of being the EVERYTHING person and I just cannot be that. I cannot be the maid, the appts scheduler, the hollered on the phone to the idiots at the VA, the transportation, the shopper, the floor mopper, the banker etc. HELP-where to turn?

Buying a home does not sound like a good idea for either of you at this point. Have you considered a continuum of care facility where you can always call for what you need? Assisted living sounds necessary now. There you would be able to get the care that is wanted whenever you want it.

A live-in would have to be done legally, check with an elder law attorney. Room and board does not compensate enough for all they would have to do. And you need to consider the legalities of that.

Also consider a geriatric care manager.
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