Hi all
Posted yesterday about my situ. Social worker (I’m in UK) has been round today to discuss long term care plans and seen everything - 82 year old frazzled mum trying to care for 87 year old frail dad with lots of health problems (catheter, CKD, AAA, osteo arthritis, potential cognition probs) dad got up out of bed dashed to the loo using Zimmer frame, had a bowel movement before the toilet, new catheter fitted was bleeding a little and he nearly fell. I was clearing everything up and bum wiping. It was awful. Social worker went no, he needs to be in respite; I’m not happy leaving this situation as it is. And I completely agree with her. Mum agrees. Dad doesn’t. He has said no. But we can’t cope and if he says no I’m not going, they won’t accept him.
Any tips on convincing him? I’ve tried a little white lie such as they need to monitor you after your fall and A&E visit on Friday, they need to keep an eye on the new catheter but he’s not buying it and saying he won’t go which means he stays here and is ultimately not getting the care he needs or giving caregivers a break.
i stayed last night and will use all the advice you both and barbs have given me. Dad couldn’t even remember he’d had the catheter changed yesterday
social worker is contacting doctor today too hopefully about everything and giving him a review - she feels something has been missed for him to go downhill so rapidly in 10 weeks
will keep you posted my lovelies
take care all and hope you have a good day xxx
I have seen this 'stubborness' for want of another word many times.
"Any tips on convincing him?"
If he cannot understand his own health needs, cannot understand it is beyond his wife's abilities, cannot reason or use his judgement so is putting your Mother in danger - the time for convincing has passed. Time to act.
"Social worker went no, he needs to be in respite".
That's your green light. I know it's awful to override your Dad's free will & you don't have (or have time for) legal permission. But do what must be done.
I like Barb's plan.
Here's how to enact it;
Mum gets tough with him. Says respite is required. You stand firm beside her. Then help Mum book the respite care. Drive him there yourself if needed. If he refuses (as my Mother did, stalled & fussed) order a taxi instead. (Many won't play up for strangers). This worked for us. If this had failed, the next step was explained clearly to her - I would inform her Doctor, & get her transported by non-emerg ambulance - under a psych eval if required.
On another occasion (for different relative) Doctor was called, advised to go willinging or Police escort will be arranged to take you.
Here in the US, if they're in the hospital you tell the staff that it would be an unsafe discharge for the person to come home. Your mom at 82 is probably not really capable of caring for all your dad's problems. You have to say that you are NOT helping anymore. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all the poop!!!
I wish I had better advice for you. I feel so bad for you. I hope you find a solution soon!
That's if your experience with him is that if you get tough with him, he'll grudgingly agree.