81 yr old dad refuses to go to hospice respite care, they say we can’t make him because he’s “in his right mind.” Any advice?

Actually I’m going to disagree that guardianship won’t happen. The state can and will step in if he’s still in his right mind BUT cannot physically take care of himself and cannot make RATIONAL decisions. Your sister may have to step back completely and let the state take over.

You know, at some point this gentleman needs to be leveled with. He must be told that if he cannot give respite then perhaps he needs to enter care full time, and no one will be willing to care for him in home without getting respite. This leaves the decision with him, which is where he wants it. Either he can allow for the respite time and go into care for that period or he doesn't have to, which will almost certainly end with him in care full time, and not allowed back into the caregiver's home.
Others mention a "sister" so I am assuming she is doing the care?
It is sad, and it seems hard, but it is honest. It should be gently said without argument, and the sad truth is, if your poor sister cannot get this respite then perhaps Dad does need permanent hospice placement. So sorry you are all dealing with this.

Your poor sister. I spent only about 10 days caring for my mother when she was bed-bound, not sleeping, and calling for me day and night, and at that point I called one of my sisters to move in with us because I was exhausted and at my wits' end.

I agree that he can't be forced to go and you're unlikely to get guardianship. But he needs to have some consideration and understand how exhausted your sister must be by now. As countrymouse said, no one can force your sister to stay with him. Can your father afford live in care for a week or so in order for your sister to get a break?

Can you try persuading Dad to join you at lunch at the hospice?
Go from there, the hospice nurses can invite him to stay for a few hours, take in a group activity?

WitsEnd,

What a sad story. I just read your profile and I would like to complement you for inquiring on your sister’s behalf. She is blessed to have a sibling who cares.

Your sister certainly has her hands full and of course needs and deserves a break.

There is respite care in the hospice program for a reason. Caregivers get burned out. Burn out is a very real and serious condition.

What exactly is your dad’s objection to not complying with her request to do respite care? This in my opinion is emotional blackmail and is cruel.

Does he have legitimate fear of respite? Can you have someone in a similar situation as your father who has perhaps used respite that would be willing to reassure him about any concerns that he may have?

This is a huge burden for your sister. Please continue to support her. Does she have any relief from caregiving at all?

Can’t your sister propose respite as a service that will be utilized because she needs it and he does not have any other choice but to accept it?

What exactly do you mean when you say that he cannot be forced? Is hospice making that statement?

You have to have your father’s consent for a medical power of attorney but that isn’t going to change anything for you. Legally he is capable of making his own choices regarding his medical care.

I sincerely hope that you will be able to resolve this issue soon.

Sorry, I didn't address your main point directly: what you're suggesting about going to court implies an application for guardianship which would give you the authority to make decisions on your father's behalf.

I doubt if you'd be granted it. Your father is ill, he isn't able to look after himself, he's immobile, and he's dependent on other people for all his activities of daily living. But nothing among that suggests that he is not in his right mind, and that is the only basis on which guardianship can be awarded.

They can't force him.

But neither can anyone force your sister to stay with him. I'd consult hospice about respite care for her so that she can take some proper time out - could she go and stay with a friend or another family member for the five days? If hospice can't point you in the right direction, would there be any way of funding live-in agency care?