Any suggestions when a parent states they want to stay in their own home and if they go to a care facility they will just kill themselves?


Parent is 86 years old and I do not want parent to go to any facility. However, I live 1 1/2 hours away, brother lives in same town, the parent is very large and I am extremely concerned how to care for the parent.

Find Care & Housing


Thank you for your input! Certainly a control issue being played out. My husband and I have been through caring for his parents so we are familiar with costs and some resources, however, she lives in a different stat, as well as, the physical and emotional drain on everyone. My Mom and brother have never experienced this with a loved one so I really don't think they understand what is involved. Also, I don't expect my brother to care for Mom by himself, it is just the distance factor. Also, I cannot move due to my husband's job and moving in with us is not an option. Your advise has been very insightful and helpful. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to answer my question! May all be well with you and your family.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to LivingAway

also she is 86 and is living alone. it may be a good idea to go over the house and check for safety issues. are there motion lights outside. are there good locks on the doors. any tripping hazards. are the bathtubs safe. list of phone numbers available for friends, family etc.

my mom would climb up on a rickety old wood ladder to get the top peach on the tree. :(  or walk down the steep driveway with a big trashcan in the dark. she didn't think anything was wrong, cause IVE BEEN DOING that for YEARS.

things that would be ok at 50, 60 or 70 years old can suddenly be dangerous.

this is just some thoughts
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to wally003
LivingAway Jul 23, 2018
Thank you! We have done all of the abound she has a medical device button to call for help if needed. She did climb up on a stool last week to clean shelf and fell. Fortunately, she was not injured just sore. The medical call button was used to help her.
What has mom's mental health been like in the past? Is this new behavior, or does she threaten suicide frequently? Has she ever been evaluated by a mental health professional for depression? Does she have a diagnosis of dementia?

Have you had a professional assessment of what her need for care is? You can arrange that through her local Area Agency on Aging.

What are her resources for paying for care?

Finally, has seen any local Assisted Living places or Nursing homes? They may be quite different than what she imagines.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
LivingAway Jul 23, 2018
Thank you for the advice! I will check with her local Area Agency on Aging. Also, she has limited resources for care and she has seen some local care facilities.
It sounds like parent’s drama is in high gear. Threatening suicide is a good way to get immediate attention. Is there dementia involved? I don’t think a suicide watch is called for. Just a reality check. A control issue, so to speak, on Mom’s part. Someone mentioned facility to her and she has dug in her heels. That’s not unusual. You, brother and Mom need to have a serious chat about her future.

Unfortunately, sometimes what we want is not in the best interest of our loved ones. Are you saying you and she expect Brother to care for her? Does he want to? Would he be comfortable doing Mom’s personal care? Would SHE be comfortable with him bathing and wiping her? Can she afford long term home health care?

My husband is very large and he is bedridden. I’m not a weakling, but since I’ve been caring for him, my fibromyalgia has kicked into high gear along with my arthritis. I am at the point I can barely turn him over.

You live a distance away. Farther than a comfortable daily trip to care for Mom. You say you’re “extremely concerned “ about caring for her. What are your options? If she doesn’t want to be in a facility, are you willing to move closer to her? If Brother doesn’t want to assume responsibility for her (and it’s his right to refuse) are you prepared to hire caregivers for her? Would you take Mom to live with you? Think long and hard about THAT choice. Take pen and paper and write down your possible solutions and then list the good and bad things of each solution. Let your brother and mother in on those solutions and get his opinion and what he’s willing and not willing to do and go from there.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Ahmijoy