Both my parents are living w me. They live on my property in a very nice mobile home. My mom has Parkinson’s, and my dad provides most of her care. The issue is my dad. He’s a narcissist, has ADHD and is obsessive compulsive. He has little respect for boundaries. I’m a single mom so he thinks he is the “man” of the house. I come home from long days at work, and he follows me around and tells me all the things I need to do around the house. He repeats the same things day in and day out until I do whatever it is he thinks needs to be done. He is home all day and could easily do these things, but generally they are not prioritized by me as urgent. I’m tired from work, I need to care for my children and take care of my priorities, not the things he feels need to get done. He comes into my house at all hours, is disruptive and disrespectful because he feels whatever it is he feels is important, urgent or should be addressed immediately. They can be silly things like, I need to feed an animal that has already been fed or I need to fix something, or he wants to tell me for the 1 millionth time something he wants me to do that I haven’t had time to get done yet. I end up staying late at work or coming home and trying to hide out in my room to avoid him. If I’m on the phone he will stand there and wait and listen to my phone call or follow me around as I try to move to have a private phone conversation. I need help in how to set boundaries with him. I don’t want to be disrespectful; I want to connect w him. But all he does is tell me what to do or needs to be done there is never a conversation about anything other than that. It’s always a stressful encounter. Tonight, he was telling me something, I listened, gave him my feedback and since he didn’t like my feedback, he began yelling about it and getting angry because he felt I wasn’t listening to him, but it was because I didn’t see it the way he wanted me to. I was respectful and kind and just let it go. But this is starting to really weigh on me.
What would appropriate boundaries be? I’m to a point where all I can see as a boundary is please don’t talk to me! Don’t come in my house uninvited and stop constantly telling me what to do. I’m sure I’m just being triggered from my childhood experiences with growing up w him and the loss of control it must have made me feel as a child. I want to be kind. I want to be respectful. I want to connect. He makes it very difficult. I know i should “detach with love” and I am working on that. But I would like to have a conversation about the boundaries I need to feel healthier in this situation.
I also pay all the bills; they don’t help financially. I run a business. And have children at home still. I’m single. Dating is totally out of the question. I can’t imagine bringing another person into this situation.
Anyone have constructive boundaries they have told their parents that helped you feel more comfortable. I am not sure he will respect these boundaries. But I need to try something.
Start a "communication book" where he can write all his requests. Review his requests daily for true urgent needs. Write a note at the end of each day that you have seen his requests. Set a day and time to address issues that are not urgent (to you) and discuss who, when, how and financing of his requests. If you notice he is addressing the same concern over and over - after you have already talked with him about it and addressed it - consider getting him a doctor's appointment to test his cognitive ability. He might be in the beginning stages of dementia. There are medications to help in almost every type of dementia in the early stages.
Interrupting your calls, etc. And start locking your doors at the time you want to enforce your quiet time hours. I have a rule that when I first get home from work, until dinner time is MY quiet time, alone in the kitchen. Since you have kids, they may want special time with you as well. Remember, when you were a kid, you were to abide their rules! Your dad won't like it, but you need to set these rules for your own sanity.
If you are in another building than he, lock the doors until you are ready to deal with him.
If he refuses to go to the doctor, start looking for senior facilities for him. Yes, he is bored. Yes, he doesn't have enough to do. Yes, he is needy and high maintenance.
However, you cannot let him affect your life as he is doing now. He needs to find other constructive ways to let go of his energy and stop draining yours.
If he is able bodied, he can volunteer, he can make new friends. However, he must want to do these things and right now, he doesn't want to as you are more convenient.
(I always wondered what the pesky people at work did, once they were forced to retire....)
((HUGS))
My father is very similar to your father.
Change your locks.
Tell your dad that you need time with your kids when you get home.
Be prepared for the backlash as best you can. It get ugly before it gets better. He does not see or hear you.
He probably does need some help, contact his doctor and make appointment if you have too. Go to the appointment let the doctor know what is going on and tell your dad in front of doctor if you don't allow yourself help this is what will happen and follow through with consequences. Put your kids first. Stop paying their bills.
This sets the playing field as adult to adult. It takes a great deal of strength to do this but it does work!
When questioned why I called her by her first name, I explained that we needed to work as adults to resolve the issue. And this MUST be repeated as a reminder that we are now adults with a good set of values to resolve issues.
Remember tone of voice is extremely important! Speak to your parent as you would speak to a colleague at work - use a professional tone - not childish sheepish tone because that will give him the upper hand.
You might want to sit down with him and divvy up some of the things to do around the property, knowing that he will be doing them HIS way. This gives him something to do. ADHD hates boredom. Bad combo waiting for a disaster.
You can talk to his PCP about meds for at least the ADHD. Those could help.
Discuss and write out your boundaries and post them where he sees them. Please don't come over at these hours unless it is a life and death emergency, because I need this time for other things. Write them out, don't just tell him. He is forgetful. That's the ADHD. The OCD will tell him something is urgent when it is only urgent to him.
Encourage him to find some outlets for all that energy. Does he bowl or golf?
ADHD people can be very sensitive, but some just need you to tell them what you expect of them because they don't "just know". That seems to be a hard thing for ADHD people. They don't pick up social cues. Relationships are confusing.
Let him know if you want to set boundaries on your availability, or if you feel violated or intruded upon. If you do it as nicely and respectfully as you've been here, hopefully, no one will be hurt.
Perhaps understandable since you've had this relationship with your dad for a lifetime.
A narcissistic will 'do' and 'push' and 'tell you xxx' every waking moment. It is in their DNA (in their brain chemistry). They KNOW they are right. They might even know they are the KING of the roost (house). They feel this in their bones. So... what to do?
Prepare yourself mentally and psychologically for the push-back you will get when you start setting limits and boundaries.
I couldn't read all the responses here now although I did read 'change the locks.' Yes, I would agree. Your home is your sacred space.
The question is: Why are YOU allowing your dad to follow you around the house like a puppy dog? This is a very serious question and you need to understand and consider your thought-processes and behavior. Are you afraid of him? Is the little girl inside fearing getting screamed at? Not getting approval from her daddy? These are understandable responses (yours) from a frightened child, although as an adult with your own 'self' and family, you must set boundaries.
You tell him ONCE: No ... I am doing xxx. [Perhaps say thank you for 'helping' if that helps you assert yourself].
Somehow you need to create barriers to what he can do / get into - be it locks on doors or care providers keeping him busy.
Realize that his behavior will not change and 99.9% will progress in the direction he is already going. You must set boundaries for him - for your sake - your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. And, it is imperative that you set a GOOD HEALTHY example for your children (I do not know how old they are, still...). You need to develop your self-esteem / self-respect.
It IS respectful to him to be clear and set limits.
You are NOT responsible for how he responds to you. That is his business (unless it harms others and then you need to take further action.)
The key here (I believe) is that you anticipate feeling awkward, uncomfortable, even scared to / when you assert yourself and set boundaries with him. He may 'stump his feet and have a temper tantrum, etc' - give him space to do this. He may try to scare you with screaming ... just walk away ... and lock the door behind you.
As another said, give him BUSY work. Fold laundry... sort bags ... fold paper for the recycle bin... anything. It depends on what he can do. He does this in HIS own space / home, not yours.
Finances. I quickly read you are paying for everything. As you can STOP that. And, why are you? Do you have POA / financial control over their accounts? You need to get paid for some of the house / trailer costs (insurance, etc). Take $ % and put it aside for your kids college fund.
If needed, get into short term therapy.
And, yes, give him a hug and never never and never give in once you put a 'rule' in place. He will drill in your head like a beam 'trying' to convince you to do as he wants "cause he knows what's right and needed' ... do not allow this.
Take breaks as you need. Put a rubber band on your wrist and when you set a rule / plan, and start to waiver (weaken), snap it ... to snap your brain into what it needs to do... you are doing this for all concerned.
If you continue to allow this behavior, they / he will eventually have to move and that would not be what you want to do. He will not change. You have to. Therapy. With love and tough love, Gena-Touch Matters.
" level of care needs" for your father ( in other words PCP can help identify if these behaviors are correctable by rational intervention, conversation,setting of boundaries, or if the father needs other care needs such as change in medication etc. Getting a case manager, social services, licensed social worker involved will help you navigate options and conversations and self care as well as options to consider re parents care .
This task will not be easy and it will take time and in fact he will show some resistance. You need to be persistent about this. I talk from experience. Like somebody else says, parents tend to listen to a third party rather than their son/daughter. The pay more attention and give importance to what the third party says.
Good luck. You will win. The path to happiness and control starts now.
Fences, doors & locks needed.
I had a pop-in-whenever relative who said family should be able to visit family whenever they like.
Obviously a complete open door policy works for some folk (& happy families in movies) but not ALL.
I replied family should respect family. It's best to ensure a visit works for BOTH people.
I went unheard & felt very unrespected. Luckily I have doors & locks. I use them. We all have phones these days, easy to call & ask does it suit you.. etc
i have done this with several of my families and it worked in every case. You lift stay firm. One was where the mother was so horrible to her daughters. I told her if they comes in and she agreed and starts acting out towards them, they will turn around and leave and eventually she stopped doing it because she needed her children will come see her . it wasn’t perfect but they felt empowered and she tested them for 2 weeks and finally she began to respect them much more. A written contract was helpful.
I suggest you have to have a third-party whoever that may be come in and establish the terms of the agreement After meeting with both of you separately and then drafting the document together. if it’s a pastor at church or a life care manager but I think it’s gonna be hard for you to enjoin him to set boundaries without a third person.. Good luck and God bless you! I’ll keep you in my prayers!!🙏🙏
But no. There does not always have to be "repercussions".
When he goes on a "you should" rage, I suggest, you simply give him a big hug, tell him you love him, and let him know you will get X-Y-Z done when you have time. $10 says that will be enough to make it "all" go away.
As seniors age, their sense of relevancy and importance begins to fade away. They fight to stay independent and to be relevant, useful, and necessary. Loneliness is the leading cause of death among seniors. As caregivers, it is important that we take the time to listen to and acknowledge our people. As a child, it's even more important. If it occurs to him that your relationship is heading south, he may start to believe that he didn't do a good job as a parent and dig in even harder which will turn into a never-ending spiral of resistance and upset.
Here are two tips that will make your life so much happier, you will want to bake me a pie:
First, schedule some quality, alone time with your dad. Take him out for coffee, or to lunch, or someplace where Dad can be with his daughter and just talk. When you are alone, just listen, don't talk back, and for god's sake, don't argue. Acknowledge him, love him, and let him express himself. Let him feel your love, not your stress, anxiety, and upset for a change.
Next, give up that he's your "adversary" in the management of your life, and make him your partner instead. When he gives you his list of tasks and "you shoulds" (for me, whatever someone says after the words "you should" will never, ever happen), just let him know he's right (he probably is) and ask him if he can help you with that (or trade a task so you have time to do that thing instead). Make him an active partner in your life, not the intruder fighting to get in.
This doesn't seem like a good situation for either of you. I'm sure that financially it makes a lot of sense as it's a relatively inexpensive solution. Would they be better off in an assisted living environment, where he could get help caring for your mom and he could have more socialization with peers? (Not to mention you get your life back!)
The mother has PARKINSON's DISEASE - a little bit different than what you may be familiar with that is called ALZHEIMER's
hang in there!
I am with you!!
Your Dad maybe under a lot of stress caring for Mom. It probably is not fun sitting with her all day long. Maybe he should find someone to watch Mom, with their money, to give him time to get way and thats not to ur house.
I doubt it. I think OP’s dad is more like:
“OP’s home! Yeay! I can dump all my frustrations and negative energy on her. I can suck in her positive energy and leave her depleted, as we emotional vampires do. I can get my fix, my supply, my addiction to sucking out other people’s positive energy. And my favorite! I can criticize her non-stop, watch her her mad from my harassment, which makes me feel powerful and better about my low self-esteem.
“And I can constantly interrupt OP, just making her life a bit more frustrating. She’ll keep trying to defend herself against my criticisms, but then I’ll just criticize something else. I’ll just keep harassing her, because it’s fun for me. Then I’ll criticize the way she answers, or the tone. Whatever. I’ll always find something to criticize. She’ll think that by explaining to me her views, I’ll finally understand. She doesn’t know that I already understand: I’m just trying to criticize whatever I want. In fact, most, maybe all, of my criticisms, are actually about me. I’m the one who doesn’t listen, but I’ll spin it around and say she’s the one who isn’t listening. I’m the one who isn’t cleaning things, but I’ll blame her for not cleaning. And even is she does clean, guess what I’ll do?? Yup! Criticize something else. Why? Because putting her down MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me, because that’s my personality. Now you know all the tricks I do.”
I doubt it. I think OP’s dad is more like:
“OP’s home! Yeay! I can dump all my frustrations and negative energy on her. I can suck in her positive energy and leave her depleted, as we emotional vampires do. I can get my fix, my supply, my addiction to sucking out other people’s positive energy. And my favorite! I can criticize her non-stop, watch her her mad from my harassment, which makes me feel powerful and better about my low self-esteem.”
I would also suggest neuropsych testing for him. This sounds like "shadowing" which is often a sign of cognitive decline.
I see now OP, why dad targets you and not mom. Mom has dementia/hearing loss, so mom can’t hear/understand dad.
So all criticisms are targeted at you OP. He needs to target someone, and you’re it, since you can hear.
It’s unfortunate there’s no mute button on abusive people.
Your father provides "most of" her care. If you are 49, how old are your parents? What's the plan for when your father needs more care? What care do you provide for your mother? Do you clean their mobile home? Cook for them? Do their laundry? Drive them places?
Why don't they contribute anything financially? Why and how did this living arrangement happen?
What is their financial situation? Do you have siblings? Are you a POA/HCPOA?
GAWD !!!!! Wha a bunch of nasty people who call themselves "CAREGIVERS" !!!! The "ME- ME" generation in action !
Simply put, I would sit him down and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable and that he needs to back off.
If he starts yelling, tell him to leave as you will not tolerate this behavior from him anymore.
He can make a list of everything he thinks you should be doing and give it to you every Sunday, you will address the issues as you see fit. Stop doing everything he tells you to do, you are an adult and do not have to take orders from him.
When you return from work that is your time, make that clear to him. Put a lock on your door and use it, you should not have an open-door policy in the first place.
Setting boundaries is not being disrespectful. You have lost control of your life, your home is where you go to relax and unwind.
He is not your boss. As an adult you are his EQUAL, not a little child who he can order around,
You are too hung up on the being respectful to your parent thing, and because of this you are being verbally abused by a toxic man who you will never connect with.
Have you considered therapy to work through your issues about being unable to stand up for yourself and to be treated with respect? There is more involved than what is happening right now, the source goes back into your childhood.
I wish you the best!
Although I agree with the approach, it won’t work, and for sure OP has already tried that a million times.
People like OP’s dad will never stop. In addition, he has OCD: he will never, ever stop. You can’t reason someone out of their OCD obsessive rude/controlling/criticizing behavior.