I'm driving my pop (dad) up a wall! Any advice?
I am 58 and moved in with my parents last year to keep them under the same roof if it is possible. My mom was diagnosed with dementia four years ago and her care had surpassed what my Pop (God bless him) could provide.
So here I am.
The first six months were fantastic; it almost seemed too good to be true. We worked like a well-oiled machine.
Now 13 months later, I'm driving my Pop crazy, and that's driving ME crazy! When he asks me to do something, I always elaborate on his idea and offer to do something more. Basically, I hijack his perfectly good ideas. I can tell I'm deflating his spirit and it breaks my heart. 😔
What is wrong with me?! I may not be able to provide my Pop the same support I'm providing my mom, but I can show him respect and encourage him. Geez.
I lived alone, dedicating my time to primarily work for 25 years before I moved in with my parents. I am on FMLA now and will likely leave my position altogether at the end of 2022. I remind myself that I've given up some important things when the critical stick comes out and I start to wallop myself.
I can certainly use some practical advice. I'm grateful for this forum and look forward to your honest feedback and insight. How do I make this adjustment without hurting anyone along the way?
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Life should be a balance, where you do for yourself AND for others. If you're just doing for your parents and not yourself, the scale is tipped too far in one direction whereby your soul is starved and needing fulfillment of its own to function.
There's nothing 'wrong with you' per se, just that the scale is too heavy on one side and your head is screaming at you WHAT GIVES SISTER? :)
Wishing you the best of luck striking that balance in your life now.
It does seem that the OP would benefit from having a job or other commitment that engages her brain and energy and provides a sense of accomplishment. Elder care is the one job where the more you need to do for your loved one increases over time and the level of positive reinforcement/appreciation expressed decreases.
Just for example, if your parents went to Senior Living or Assisted Living, you could still provide a lot of care to your mother, your father could have more interests, they would still be under the same roof, and you could keep your job.
Giving up your life at such a young age makes no sense to me, why?
Butt out a bit. Find your father some reliable respite care and agency back up to use when he needs a break, and then leave him in peace.
And don't be sniffy or passive aggressive about doing this. Be honest with your Dad and encourage the same from him. Tell him you want to be there to support him but instead you're crowding and disabling him, and you (both, all) need to revisit the boundaries.
Then, please contact an Elder Law Attorney to help you place your parents in one facility, where they can live, but maybe not together. I'm guessing Dad would like to meet other people and visit Mom as much as he wants without being overwhelmed.
You can love your parents and still be your own person. Give your parents and yourself the gift of freedom.
You also need to sit down with your dad and let him know that you plan do all of this, that you know you are making mistakes and are driving him and yourself crazy. Offer to take some steps back and let him decide what he needs you to help him with in the care of your mother.
It could be that after the first 6 months, things has calmed down and with your help he now has a handle on things and only needs your help with certain things. This is another topic that you need to sit down and talk with your father about as well.
Communication is very important between you and your father with how to handle the care of your mother. So is listening to your father, I mean really listening to what he wants, needs from you. Don't over look his needs as well, maybe he needs to get out and visit with his friends, go golfing(if that is what he likes to do), just to get away and come back refreshed.
I hope this helps!
Sherry196
You are right about me over looking my Pop's needs. I see that I do that. I'm working on that too.
Thank you for your help.
I guess it comes down to picking your battles. Let your Dad have some wins, especially with unimportant things.
I think maybe the more important question is what is the long-term plan when your Mom’s care may surpass both of your ability to help her.
Like others, I’m wondering about AL or some kind of serious living plan for your parents. If not, are you willing to sacrifice your life for them for many years?
Sending a virtual hug.
"Picking your battles" is another good guide. I've not been married but I'm learning so many wise lessons about sharing life with others. I'm "maturing up", even at 58. 😊 I guess it's never too late.
Sending a hug in return. ~ VV
Remind him that you inherited his good looks and had a lifetime of his great advice is why you’re so dang good at it 😉
Do your parents realize how lucky they are to have you for a daughter?
It starts out everything is A-1 but the longer it goes on sometimes things will have to be done on a "good enough" basis.
Pat yourself on the back...I'm even planning now who is worthy of a Christmas card and am streamlining my list--not just for the increased cost of stamps but for my time.
As time goes on caregiving you are going to have to set boundaries, say no to invitations and stayed centered. You may not be thanked but you should give yourself more credit. Stay the course...
Also, one morning a week respite may not be a bad idea for all parties involved since sooner or later one of the parent's will out live the other.
Sounds like you are a newbie to this. You will know what make sense for your personal situation. We can all learn from one another.