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Mhillwt Asked December 2020

Covid and holiday gatherings with 89 year old mom. What should we do?

Hi I have been quarantining with my 89 yr old mother since mid March - we all had covid in NYC and she was hospitalized for 5 days and home (mostly in bed) for 5 weeks. She is better now and still has antibodies but hasn't seen family since last Christmas. We skipped Thanksgiving but now she wants to get together with her 2 nephews and their families for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - it will be the same 11 people on both days. Her Drs advised against it. I have been pleading that we stay home. She wants to go! She was near tears saying I can't stay in this house any longer. She also said, this could be my last Christmas. I have HIGH anxiety about going but how can I not take her even with the risks? I don't want to go but she is not backing down. I don't want to go through covid again with her alone in the hospital but she seems to just want to go. I'm really having a ton of anxiety over this and shocked my mom can't just stay home a few more months (like all of us) until this is over.

NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
You answered your own question.

You said, “I don’t want to go.” So, don’t do it.

She’s not giving up. Well you don’t have to give up either.

Tell her, No! If you can’t bear to hear her complain and of course it’s hard to hear, then walk away, wear ear plugs and most of all tell her that is your FINAL decision! She will give up because she has to.

We are in the home stretch concerning COVID. I don’t blame you for not wanting to get together with others.

Keep your ears open about the future. If her doctor approves a visit later on, it will be just as nice.

She doesn’t have to have a visit during the Christmas season.

I love my nephews and their families but I won’t be seeing them. They FaceTimed with me for Thanksgiving. I was fine with that.

Stick to your guns. Don’t cave! Do what is best for you.

This truly is best for your mom too. Her doctor has not approved of any socializing at this time. It is heartbreaking.

It’s truly sad but unfortunately, these are the times that we are living in.
rovana Dec 2020
Thank you! An excellent post.
lealonnie1 Dec 2020
You've all had the virus already, which means you have antibodies to it. My DD is an RN and had covid last January before the doctors even knew what it was. She's worked in covid units inside of a downtown Denver hospital ever since, and has not been reinfected.

Your mother is 89 years old and has survived the virus. I'd let her do whatever she wants to do with regard to celebrating the holidays this year. You can stay home if you'd like to, but why should she have to?

And to say this whole thing will be 'over' in a few more months is wishful thinking, really. Even with a vaccine, only a certain percentage of us will be willing to take it, meaning 'herd immunity' is unlikely to happen. I seriously doubt there's an end in sight for at least another year if not more. Who can live in fear for THAT long?

We only have today, each of us. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. God bless you and your mom, and good luck with whatever decision she makes.
rovana Dec 2020
I did not get the impression that mom could get herself to the gathering and home again by herself. If others have to be involved, they get a say too. Also, should mom get reinfected, who is going to take care of her? The thing is, it is not about me, myself and I. Consider that helping protect others is the decent thing to do and truly reflects what Christmas is really all about.

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Nessa524 Dec 2020
My message is to your mother and everyone who are thinking of gathering with family members outside your household. Selfishness is how we got to be the country on the planet with the most infection. When our primal instinct to be with family and friends starts to dominate, we must each remind ourselves that our decisions impact many other individuals, those we hold dear and even those we don’t know. This is a highly contagious illness and we don’t know a whole lot about it. One may not get the illness themselves, but be a carrier and transmit the disease. Antibodies you may have in your body don’t necessarily mean that you do not transmit it to others. The infectious disease docs don’t even know for sure whether the vaccine will work to prevent us from transmitting the virus even if we have no symptoms. Tell your 89 year old mother to give up the selfishness. It’s not just about her. We all need to take a step back and listen to what this pandemic is trying to teach us.
LoisLettini Dec 2020
AMEN to this. It is exactly what I just wrote. And btw, I also will be ALONE this Christmas and was at Thanksgiving and I am 80. But I would not dream ot asking my daughter and grandsons (who live in LON)to come to see me. ANd I have to say, she is smart enough not to comply with this request. And, the obvious, I would not travel to LON even though I would love to go and spend another English Christmas with my family.
CTTN55 Dec 2020
"But if that's not you, perhaps you can stay home, and let one of her nephews come and get her,"

But then Mhillwt will be the one to have to take care of her mother if she contracts it again, and might end up contracting it again herself.
BlackHole Dec 2020
This.
rovana Dec 2020
Well, I'll be blunt. You are right - don't go. Period. No arguments accepted. I'd check into zoom. It is really pretty good. Basically I'd remind mom that we are ALL having to man up here and do the safe thing, for ourselves and for others, especially the worked into the ground healthcare workers.

Daughterof1930 Dec 2020
I see you’ve made a decision to honor your mother’s fervent wishes. Last Christmas my dad was adamant that it would be his last one, none of us knew it would be true or took his talk very seriously. I’m not at all saying this will be the case with your mother. I just know that sometimes it’s important to listen to our seniors and be respectful of their wishes. I would do this in a minute, with a barrage of hand sanitizer and masks, but I believe there are times the memories are more than the fears. I wish you peace in this

Impossible Dec 2020
Your doctor is absolutely correct. If we are ever going to get a handle on Covid we must not get together in large groups. Ask your family members to call your mom and if they have gifts for her, drop them off. Do you have Skype? That would enable her to see her family. Tell your mom that you will have the family over to celebrate when covid is under control. Emphasize that is in everyone's best interest to not get together. Tell her that you love her and don't want her to end up in hospital. Your mom might be in need of treatment for depression. I have a 92 yr old mom who is in a retirement home. I know she would like to be with us on Christmas day but she knows staying apart is best for all of us. Good luck to you. I know it's hard but we will get through this sooner if we take precautions.

Sendhelp Dec 2020
The CDC reports:
"Whether you test positive or negative for COVID-19 on a viral or an antibody test, you still should take steps to protect yourself and others.
We do not know how much protection (immunity) antibodies to the virus might provide against getting infected again. Confirmed and suspected cases of reinfection have been reported, but remain rare. Scientists are working to understand this."

If the 'experts' do not know, how can you know that your Mother is immune?

The wise conclusion would be to stay home at this time. If everyone cooperated instead of looking for exceptions for themselves, we could be safer from the spread of infection. You have the right to choose to stay home.

MaryKathleen Dec 2020
I am going to address "This could be my last Christmas". Don't fall for that guilt trip. My mother would say, "I think this is going to be my last year" for almost 15 years. I know she felt that way, but there was no reason for it. I got tired of hearing it. If she dies whether or not she does anything this Christmas doesn't matter. If she believes she is going to heaven, she will be so involved in spiritual activities, it won't matter. If she is atheist it doesn't matter. If she is too sick next year to go somewhere, people can come to her. Hug her and tell her that as soon as it is safe, you can have a big family get together.
Mhillwt Dec 2020
How old was your mother when she started saying this was her last Christmas ie my mom will be 90 ina few months .after yesterday’s argument she caved and we cancelled ...I feel terrible nonetheless
Llamalover47 Dec 2020
Imho, I would not advocate any family gatherings for your mother during this time.

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