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For the past several years that Mom has been in memory care, I have brought her home on Christmas Eve to spent 2 nights with us. It has always gone well and she enjoys it. However, she has become more incontinent and not as steady on her feet (uses a walker). Additionally, there is the Covid concern. I work every other day at the office, my daughter waitresses at a restaurant, and my son is out of work just now, but does our errands and shopping. Is this too much exposure? Presently we have not been able to visit her in her facility since mid-November - and even then we had to be masked and 6 feet away with no touching. I know she will be horribly disappointed and depressed if she can't come home, but I don't want to put her health or well being in danger.

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In my mother's Memory Care, if I were to take her home for 2 nights for Christmas, she'd need to quarantine for 14 days upon return to the MC. That would present a difficult situation for her, being isolated for all that time, all for spending 2 nights at my house. Then you have the risk of you working, your daughter waitressing, and your son running around doing errands & shopping. Any one of you can be carrying the virus, unknowingly, and give to her. So that's the risk you take by bringing her home.

Last year, since my mother is wheelchair bound and leery about going out in general, we brought Christmas dinner to her and ate together in the library at the MC; it was a feast. We brought gifts too. We can't do that this year, obviously, nor can we bring her home because of various reasons. She'd hate the 14 day quarantine upon return, so it's not something we're even discussing.

You're better off having your mother 'horribly disappointed and depressed' than have her health & well being put into danger, in my opinion. Also consider, she may NOT be 'horribly disappointed OR depressed'...............play things DOWN this year, as I am, because Christmas is one day only, where way way WAY too much importance is placed upon..........and it becomes a disappointment for everyone in general. Schedule a Zoom visit instead. Send her an Edible Arrangement (if they have a shop in your area); send her Royal Rivera Pears. A nightgown & matching robe. A big box of her favorite chocolates. In other words, make the day special for her ANYWAY, even though she won't be coming to your house.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You answered your own question when you said "I'd never forgive myself if she got Covid - she couldn't survive it." Everyone one in your family is in a risky position - you work in an office, your daughter waitresses, and your son does errands out in the community. Even if everyone wears masks all the time you are still in high risk situations and could inadvertently bring Covid into the house. People need to think about exposure the way AIDS was explained. If you have contact with person A then you've also had contact with everyone person A has had contact with. So if you had contact with one person (person A) but person A had contact with 4 people so now you've had contact with 5 people. Start doing the math on people number of people you and your daughter and son have contact with you every day. Would you invite that number of people into your home to have the holiday with your mother? If no, then she can't be with you because the level of exposure is just too large. And you say that her Memory Care facility has been so careful and so lucky to have kept Covid out of the facility. Do you want to be the person that brings it into the facility? You are not only risking your mother but every other person that cares for her. Yes, everyone will be sad to miss the holiday together but it would be tragic if someone died for it.
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AlvaDeer Dec 9, 2020
I agree. She just answered her own question.
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So, we are currently living this situation. My husband chose to bring his mom here from her MC home for Thanksgiving. She must be tested for Covid before returning. He prearranged the test for the Friday morning after Thanksgiving. He brought her here on Wednesday afternoon.
So, you guessed it on Monday we got the "Positive" test results. The good news is at 83 she has no symptoms, but she has had to remain here since then. The second test was performed yesterday, no results yet, but likely to still be positive for some time to come. The clinic where she was tested says she should be able to go back now positive or not due to no longer being considered contagious. The problem of course is that she doesn't want to go back and is terribly emotionally upset. This is not going to be fun and I do not think it was worth bringing her out.
That is my situation, of course if your mom likes her living arrangement then you may not have this issue.
By the way neither my husband or I have developed symptoms during the time she has been here. I am doing most all the hands on caregiving and am feeling fine although rather "trapped." I am quite certain, given the short time frame, that she came here from her facility already infected. She may even have already been passed the contagious period. It's something of a mess and I am not sure how it will be resolved. I hope whatever you decide it will be a good outcome for you and your mom and family.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 9, 2020
Thanks for sharing this post. Very realistic point of view.

What an ordeal! So sorry...
Hoping your mom will continue to improve.
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Well, my mother, who was safe in Memory Care for 8 months, contracted Covid from an employee. She is now in hospice with dim hopes of recovery.

If you and your family are willing to quarantine for 2 weeks before bringing your Mom home she might be safe. Is it really worth the risk to your Mom?

Plus when you take her back she will probably be isolated for several weeks to protect the other residents. That is more of a hardship to dementia elders.
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lablover64 Dec 12, 2020
I wish it was possible to quarantine for 2 weeks. My son lost his job, so he could do it, but my daughter and I are still working. She and I did have Covid tests a couple of days ago and both were negative, but I realize if we took them again tomorrow, they might not be. Mom is 85 and has had cancer 3 times. The last thing I want to do is cause her to go through any more pain, either physical or emotional.
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I don't think that 2 weeks of quarantine would be worth it.

If she is with it enough to decide for herself (while being in memory care kind of indicates that perhaps she is not capable), then if she REALLY wants to come. home and understands the risk and understands how tough those 2 weeks will be, then I don't have a problem with it.

Your hands will also be super full with dealing with her new issues, though it is "only" for 2 days. I think it'd be a long 2 days.

I know for Thanksgiving many elderly people said something like "if this is my last one, I don't want to spend it alone". Definitely has some validity.

Tough choice for you to make.
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Reply to againx100
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Lab,

It sounds like your mom’s facility has been extra cautious regarding COVID-19 which is wonderful.

You can do a special Christmas celebration with her at a later date.

It will mean just as much to her at that point in time.

Meanwhile, she will be with you in spirit as you celebrate Christmas with your family.

Everyone is struggling with these decisions these days. It’s not a ‘normal’ holiday season.

Do your best to enjoy Christmas with your immediate family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Since COVID is still a huge concern, she is probably safer in memory care. Try to do something special there to celebrate while masked and 6 feet away. When everybody gets their vaccines, then have a huge celebration.
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Reply to Taarna
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Well, NY should be getting the vaccine within weeks, and it seems like nursing home residents are going to be among the first vaccinated. Why not put off Christmas celebrations until such a time that mom has been vaccinated and it's safer to do so?
Because of work schedules, we often had to celebrate holidays on days other than the actual date of the holiday. The date didn't matter; it was being able to get together with family that made the holiday. We still do "second Christmas" with my sister and her family after December 25; one year because of snowstorm after snowstorm we weren't able to actually have "second Christmas" until March!!
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lablover64 Dec 12, 2020
I'm hoping she gets the vaccine soon. I think I will check with the director or head nurse. If she gets the vaccine before Christmas, I would think that would remove at least some of the danger. However, I also like the idea of a postponed celebration. I wonder if my siblings would agree to that? You've given me some things to think about - I'm going to make some phone calls.
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NO.
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Reply to Catnk9
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Thanks for the updated info. So it sounds like your mom is pretty active at her facility & has friends. And her facility would require a 14 day quarantine upon her return. So knowing that info, I think it would be better to leave her there. As difficult as it has been not being able to have actual visits with her, I think putting her in to isolation for two weeks would be worse than not seeing you for Christmas.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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AlvaDeer Dec 9, 2020
I think this is the case also. The isolation would be difficult for a social woman. I wonder what the Mom herself has to say about this.
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