Covid and holiday gatherings with 89 year old mom. What should we do?

My brother had a gathering at my moms with 4 different households the day after Christmas with a total of 8 people. My 98 year old mom was brought to the hospital by rescue yesterday struggling to breathe & with a low grade fever.

As of today she is still in the ER with no word on her condition.

I have mixed feeling about this. I think it is valid to not want to go. I also think it is valid that your mom wants to go. Some elders are saying "this could be my last Christmas and I'm not spending it home alone".

I can't say that either way is right or wrong. There are pros and cons to both sides so it really is a personal decision.

Is your mom competent to understand the risks and weigh them against the rewards?

My close cousin lives in elderly housing and recently a resident in her building went to the hospital for a problem other than Covid and discharged home then back to ER due to severe shortness of breath . She was then diagnosed with Covid, died in the hospital a few days later she was early eighties. Her daughter found out she had a roommate with Covid first hospitalization. So sad. Cousin will be staying home for the holidays alone for two weeks. Woman that found her was my cousins housekeeper and errand lady. Cousin will be tested in two weeks.

I would definitely take her and go celebrate . wear masks , practice social distancing, wear gloves and bring along the hand sanitizer. You may have many more years to enjoy many more Christmas's, however, each day your Mom can enjoy at this stage in her life is a gift.

Mhillwt - You obviously love your elderly Mom very much and are trying to make the last segment of her life as enjoyable as it can be. I understand. My Mom will be 93, God willing, in March. I, too, have been struggling with some decisions pertaining to what to do, if anything, for Christmas. I have been following your post for that reason: to get others’ opinions. I expected that some people would suggest that you go and others would suggest that you stay home. I was looking forward to the reasons for their opinions, hoping that it could help my decision making as well. I was also looking forward to reading what other people are doing to celebrate, thinking that I might get some good ideas.

I didn’t expect that you and your Mom would be called selfish by several people on this site. I didn’t expect the unkind answers when you were seeking help. I really expected more as I thought this was a group of people who could share their opinions without name calling and being mean. I’m sorry that is what you received when seeking help.

I sincerely hope you and your Mom will have as lovely a Christmas as possible during these uncertain times. 🎄

From what I understand antibodies for COVID-19 may only be present for up tp 3 months. My mom is 87 and we are not having any holiday gatherings, because all of my siblings and myself still work outside the home. On any given day one of us could be exposed and bring it to her, but we are not willing to take any chances this holiday season. Sometimes this is harder for the older generation to understand.

Why not talk to the relatives. Explain your fears and the doctors advice to her. If they agree with you have them explain to her that because of covid they are all staying home and not having a large family gathering. Maybe when Spring comes there will be another opportunity.

Maybe since your Mom is 89; drop her off and you don’t go because of your anxiety.
your Mom is not a child and how many more years do you think you have with her? God bless her she beat the odds with surviving Covid! She probably wants to see everyone because she knows her odds are dwindling. She is choosing the love of family over the scared tactics media has been feeding the public. Should be her choice. She already had the virus, odds are pretty good she has the antibodies now. I don’t think people have gotten the virus twice.
I wish I had my Mom here; she died in March. She was 90. We would definitely choose to be with her, love her, hug her and let her enjoy the family for as long as she’d like. Let her be with the family.

I just learned today that two of my family members have Covid.

One lives in Georgia and she was a foolish anti masker. She wanted to live as if there isn’t a pandemic!

Sadly, my niece is not doing very well. She’s in her 40’s and is a single mother of two sons.

The other lives in D.C. and took all precautions to prevent Covid and still got it! He is a colon cancer survivor. This past year he has had two heart surgeries. He is not doing well at all. He is single. Never married. My cousin is in his 50’s.

I pray that they both pull through.

This is not a time to take unnecessary risk!

Here's my take. Talk with both families...can you and mom drive to the destination and meet outside, at the property line or fence or in the driveway but stay distanced and in facemasks? A short visit is better then no visit. Can you stay a spell outside under cover, in the garage or an outbuilding, with blankets to stay warm, or a heater? Don't take a meal together. Personally, we have let friends/family in our house. We make sure they are washing their hands. We don't "share" food (meaning, no one touches food with their hands that is on a communal plate--use utensils). Can the meal table be wide enough to keep a distance across from each other? When everyone leaves, go thru the house and spray or wipe commonly touched items with disinfectant.

Update : we are not going....she changed her mind after our fight yesterday ,,,I hope mom is around next Christmas ...I wore her down with fear about the virus ...I feel awful.it was a lose lose

We are visiting my 89 year old mom in NJ. My son( DE) and I( PA) both live alone and work from home and offer little risk to spread COVID or the flu. No one who has been sick or around someone who has should visit- this should be standard. Two dear friends passed this week- neither covid related. This can be any of our last Christmas. Live your life. We are all very healthy people, active and not over weight- My father and brother have died in the past 18 months- neither COVID related....We are making new traditions. My younger sister and her husband have been on their property since March... whatever works for your family is ok.

I am in a similar situation [elderly parents, son and husband in occupations that can not avoid exposure]. Here is my bottom line, I will be miserable if we visit and potentially expose them and miserable if we don’t and they are lonely. So pick the misery that you want to live with and don’t look back-that’s why our eyes are in the front of our heads not the back. And make plans for an “everything holiday” with the most loved part of each holiday food, traditions when it is safe! Best of luck, stay strong in your decision.

Mhill you have the perfect out. The doctor said no. Without his permission she can’t do it. That takes the blame off you entirely. I think a driveway meet is perfect. Some Christmas music and family taking a drive through works nicely. Or zoom in the TV with lots of cheer. I understand - the guilt drives you crazy and you would do anything not to feel it.
whatever you choose try to be at peace with it and move past it. I’m giving you that advice because I’m trying to do the same.

All i can say is learn the true cause of your moms underlying health issues and empower yourself with how to improve her conditions. If she got sick in the first place, it means she is a vulnerable person otherwise she would not have gotten sick. If you can find out the cause, maybe you can then empower yourself on how to prevent her from becoming vulnerable again. Meaning, if she has reflux, she is a risk for sepsis and pneumonia already regardless if co-vi was here or not. If someone has insulin resistance, or arterioschlerosis, then they are a clotting risk. If a person is always dehydrated, then they are a kidney risk and sepis risk like in Italy. 88% of the nursing home deaths there were not co-vi after all but instead a combination of using 3 drugs to induce a premature coma for elders who were stuck in lock down and became dehydrated and septic with urinary issues. I would get coaching from a functional doc to see if strengthening her digestion her respiratory system, cardio, and amp up her dental hygiene would help as all weaknesses in those area activate infection in people every year for decades all over the world. Fauci said that people with vit D deficiencies are susceptible to infection. He recommends 5-6,000 of D and 1-3000 mg of vit C daily. I have taken my elderly parents everywhere and they got nothing and wont get anything because i have invested 10 hours a day reading watching listening to extremely different points of view on how other cultures and countries handle preventing of illness. I am armed and they will not get sick. They use to get flus and respiratory infections all the time. Now for the last 4 years they are older and have dementia stents, enlarged leaky aorta's, allergies, aspiration pneumonia risks.... and can both die every day from clots from being sedentary. If you dont move, you lose whether co-vi is around or not. Zinc, NAC, sunshine sunshine and get away from indoor air handlers.. Wrap up and keep warm if in cold climates but breath fresh air. Open a window or a door a bit and sit there and let the sun come in .Watch Medcram non stop and become armed with knowledge. It is very rare to transmit any virus between asymptomatic people. WHO.... Have anyone who has a fever remain home. You need a high load of virus in order to activate a strong infection. Asymptomatic people have low low viral loads that dont even appear unless the test sample is cycled higher rotations to even find anything and the test does not reveal the cycles. Most tests are negative and are simply cycled high up to 48 in order to find something and it is not proven what is found. I would contact a functional doctor who can look at your moms weaknesses and help you decide how much of a risk she is in the first place.

The CDC, New York State and NYC are all begging everyone not to travel during this holiday season. The pandemic is raging all over the country. Travel and gatherings increase the spread of the virus and deaths. It would be best if your nephews and their families just say that there will be zoom gatherings rather than in-person gatherings. This is what good citizens do now for public health.

Dear Mhillwt:

You say that your mom keeps saying that this will be her last Christmas, and that this is a huge reason why she wants to gather with family now.
Why does she say this I wonder, is she ill or does she have some kind of health problem that means that her life expectancy is less than a year? Is she on hospice? What does her doctor say about this, does he/she think your mom won't survive another year?
My mom said this for years - 'This might be my last Christmas, I don't know if I'll be around next year.'
Maybe if you can talk with her about her feeling that this is the last, that would help to address the situation? Especially if her doctor says there's no reason to think that - she survived Covid after all, she must have a pretty strong constitution.
(And when you say that you all survived Covid - did you all test positive, and then test positive for antibodies? I know people who think they had it early on but were never able to get tested, so they don't really know for sure.

If your mom insists on going, have her tear and take se real clean masks with her. When eating, doctor's suggest families separate and eat in different parts of the house. If the weather is good, the festivities could always move outside to the yard. Open space is supposedly the most effective way to not spread the virus.

The CDC reports:
"Whether you test positive or negative for COVID-19 on a viral or an antibody test, you still should take steps to protect yourself and others.
We do not know how much protection (immunity) antibodies to the virus might provide against getting infected again. Confirmed and suspected cases of reinfection have been reported, but remain rare. Scientists are working to understand this."

If the 'experts' do not know, how can you know that your Mother is immune?

The wise conclusion would be to stay home at this time. If everyone cooperated instead of looking for exceptions for themselves, we could be safer from the spread of infection. You have the right to choose to stay home.

Imho, I would not advocate any family gatherings for your mother during this time.

Your situation is a bit different since you and your mom have had COVID and she at least apparently has antibodies, I don’t know how this changes her need for vaccine or ability to pass it to others but maybe a better way of looking at it is, it’s not about protecting her it’s about protecting the other 11 family members she wants to get together with. It sounds like there are at least 3 households involved here maybe more and as tough as it is putting multiple households together for the holidays is the risk and it’s a risk to everyone. Your mom might be immune with the antibodies but we don’t know if that means she can’t pass the virus from one nephew to the other as an asymptomatic carrier.

We were aware last year that it could very well be the last Holliday season we had with Mom cognitively there but it wasn’t, this could very well be but we have chosen not to get together. We have all been in our own bubbles and not living in “red” areas but still just like Thanksgiving we will all stay in our household bubbles and have an “open” Zoom gathering instead. Yes a big part of why we are doing this is to protect Mom, she has been sequestered for months we don’t want to have suffered that for naught with even the slightest chance of exposing her now and no one feels good about possibly exposing kids or kids exposing parents either. On the upside our experiment on Thanksgiving was a lot of fun, we just set up a 7 hr Zoom “meeting” and sent invites to family all over the country so they could drop in and put whenever they wanted. We went about cooking and eating dinner so it was like they were joining in and we had a great mix of both sides of the family, spent Thanksgiving with relatives we never have before and even ate dinner with my mom and brother. We are planning Christmas a bit more ahead of time so we might even get relatives from out of the country joining in!

I totally get the the feeling that it’s worth the risk and that not having physical contact is doing more harm than COVID might and it’s a personal decision, I miss hugging my mom but I feel pretty confident she wouldn’t survive COVID-19 and I sure don’t want to wonder if I gave it to her and she wouldn’t want to worry that she gave it to me either so we will stick it out for each other and the rest of those we both love.

I would allow her to go and you stay home. Is that possible? If she still has antibodies, she cannot contract it again right now. Correct me if I am wrong. If possibly her last Christmas, I would consent for her to attend.

I can imagine how your mom feels. I know the last thing my mom wants is to die of loneliness- she always has to have someone around (she's 81). If she wasn't now living with us she would insist on not being alone. Can you set up a Zoom/Skype/Facetime with everyone for Christmas? You could get all to dial in and even play games. This is also great if you have family members in different states, etc. and want to get everyone together. What about having those calls on a regular basis? It would help make isolation more bearable for your mom.

Hello,

I agree with hugging your mom and telling her you can all be together in person for the next holiday. Insist on taking the doctors advice. Your mom will be vaccinated soon, which will give her more freedom. Use phone, skype Zoom, facetime etc. My mother in law died after only getting together with a couple of (asymptomatic) family members. Gathering puts you at risk, and other family members as well.

Well, I am in the process of planning my mother's funeral after she died of Covid. She contracted it 7 days after a Thanksgiving, probably from a staff member who met with family for that holiday. You don’t want to see anyone die that way.

I am going to address "This could be my last Christmas". Don't fall for that guilt trip. My mother would say, "I think this is going to be my last year" for almost 15 years. I know she felt that way, but there was no reason for it. I got tired of hearing it. If she dies whether or not she does anything this Christmas doesn't matter. If she believes she is going to heaven, she will be so involved in spiritual activities, it won't matter. If she is atheist it doesn't matter. If she is too sick next year to go somewhere, people can come to her. Hug her and tell her that as soon as it is safe, you can have a big family get together.

Your doctor is absolutely correct. If we are ever going to get a handle on Covid we must not get together in large groups. Ask your family members to call your mom and if they have gifts for her, drop them off. Do you have Skype? That would enable her to see her family. Tell your mom that you will have the family over to celebrate when covid is under control. Emphasize that is in everyone's best interest to not get together. Tell her that you love her and don't want her to end up in hospital. Your mom might be in need of treatment for depression. I have a 92 yr old mom who is in a retirement home. I know she would like to be with us on Christmas day but she knows staying apart is best for all of us. Good luck to you. I know it's hard but we will get through this sooner if we take precautions.

I totally agree with your mom.

She should see her family.

They can stay their distance after they give her her Xmas hug and kiss.

She can wear a mask when she isn't eating and before she eats make sure her hands are clean.

Also, if she's already had the virus she'll have a good chance of not getting it again.

Also, hopefully during the Xmas gathering.
There's a couple windows open to let in some fresh air.
One last thought. I would start giving her an Airborne to take every day to build up her immune system before the Xmas Gathering.

Your mom has her mental wits about her and it should be her choice.

Mare her happy for Christmas, like your mom said. It could be her last.

Take the doctor's advice. This could be anyone's last Christmas with covid. So it is not time to discount yourself. Your anxiety is a signal to pay attention to and make the decision for yourself first and then your mother, who relies on you. In my situation, my mother says she doesn't care about covid because she is ready to go. Well, I'm not ready and tell her she won't be able to count on me.

My 90 yo mom lives with YB and his family. They ALL (6 of them) had COVID, YB is very high risk, he is grossly obese, diabetic, has heart conditions and only one lung 'works well.' He was super sick, but did not go to the hospital. His family (all adults) just had 'colds'. Mother did not catch it. It's amazing.

I saw her on Thursday and she brought this up in passing--I freaked out a tiny bit b/c I thought they were all still actively sick, but no, the last sicky was out of quarantine that day.

I asked mother how she felt about seeing the family, one by one and the possibility of getting COVID. She said she wouldn't care if she got it if she was guaranteed she could die. She said that 2020 has been so depressing and she'd feel bad about ending her life on a low note--and I get that. I know she was trying to get me to plan some kind of family party, but there's well over 50 of us and 1 pregnant niece and 8 months old twins. Nope, not doing it.

It's going to be a weird holiday season. I personally will be glad to have it over and done and marching solidly into 2021 awaiting my vaccine and taking off that darn mask. And getting a pedicure. My feet look like hooves.

I, too, would take the chance with a N95 mask, which is probably what DH and I will end up doing. Sitting 10' from the un-immune kids and watching them, then leaving as soon as they've opened their gifts.

It is what it is.