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anonymous971239 Asked October 2019

Why can't I have a normal life? Everyday starts out the same: I am aggravated the minute she wakes up.

The minute my mother wakes up the bullsh$t begins. I am fine and even may feel pretty good, UNTIL she wakes up and then the hell starts. My blood pressure must go up sky high from the overall annoyance and aggravation that only she can create in me. Yes, it is my reaction, but after 60 years of dealing with her and 15 living with her it is a wonder I have any sanity left. She has always been this way and growing up was dysfunction central. So the days starts with me getting her to the toilet then getting her washed up. She gets super annoyed when I am trying to wash her face and complains the water is too cold, the water is too hot. Then I want to wash her hands and she is getting pissed off and then the stupid questions start, why this, why that and not in a nice way. She is angry all the time and has zero patience and can NEVER once let things go. She has to comment on stupid stuff ALL THE TIME. So by this time I am really angry and totally annoyed beyond belief. Thus starts another day with crazy Tessa. I really cannot stand her.

Isthisrealyreal Oct 2019
It is time to put her in a facility and find your life.

You matter in this situation and you are sounding very burned out. She needs professional care and it is okay for you to place her where she will receive the care she needs.

One thing that you have going for you is that since she is already always angry you know that she will be angry about the facility, but nothing new there.

Hugs!
lealonnie1 Oct 2019
Amen. My mother took care of her mother for 25 years in our home while I was growing up *and before I was born*. The anger and resentment between the two of them was horrendous; the atmosphere in the house was unbearable and so was my childhood as a result of my mother trying to 'do the right thing' by taking her in. Then she wound up blaming my father for 'forcing' her to take grandma in to begin with!! We ALL would have been SO much better off had grandma been placed instead, which did wind up happening eventually when everyone had had enough.
cwillie Oct 2019
I thought of my mother as one of my best friends and I could have never lived with her for 15 years, and once the crazy started I didn't last 5. I agree, it's way past time to find another place for her.

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ExhaustedPiper Oct 2019
You have been doing this for 15 years? Omg NO WAY could I deal with my difficult narcissist mother for 15 years, and she lives next to me not with me. You are a saint for doing this for so long.

Please place her in a care home and get your own life back. I’m close to your age, I’ll be 57 in December. I often wonder how many decent years I have left?? Please don’t continue to be your Mother’s personal slave. In fact since she can’t take care of her basic needs like hygiene why isn’t she in a care facility now?
anonymous971239 Oct 2019
Well, I have not been taking care of her for 15 years, but more recently cuz of a fall and injury to arm. Plus she really can't take care of herself anymore. My father recently died so now she is totally alone. If she were pleasant and cooperative it wouldn't be so bad, but her crazy behavior never changes. Living with a parent as an adult is NEVER a good thing.
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I did too. Had my mom at home for nearly 15 years. Also, many more years before that in her home, along with my father. My dad was so much easier than my mom. My dad was appreciative. He compromised. He didn’t complain. He was humble. He was thoughtful.

You sound pretty much the way I did. Mom is now at my brother’s house. I did burn out. It didn’t end well. I have BP issues too. I am going to second what isthisreallyreal just told you. It’s time to make arrangements to place her somewhere.

Yes, we become miserable and even resentful. I hated feeling resentment or being bitter. Not a good place to be. Not good for the parent either. No one wins.

Do you feel taken for granted? I did. The chronic complaints and anxiety was extremely hard also.

I really hope that you find peace and joy soon. I don’t think you will regret not being a primary caregiver for your mom. It’s hard making the transition. Transitional times are never easy. In the long run it is for the best though.

Best wishes to you. We are here to support you along the way and afterwards. Take care. Hugs!
anonymous971239 Oct 2019
NeedHelpWithMom Thank you. It is nice to know that others experience the same things, in one way or another. I appreciate your advice.
anonymous972110 Oct 2019
I lived with my Mom for several years. No dementia. No severe health issues. But she, one brother, niece and nephew gave dysfunction a whole new meaning. One day I said no more and within a few days I moved from Cincinnati OH to northern Maine. Best thing I ever did for myself. Life is never perfect, but sometimes you have to make changes - large or small. I’m sorry you’re having these problems.
anonymous971239 Oct 2019
Thank you.
lealonnie1 Oct 2019
You can't have a normal life because you've chosen this life instead, living with your difficult mother for 15 years. You say you cannot stand her, and both of you are angry all the time, so who's benefiting from this situation, exactly?

There IS a way out. Start examining and considering other living arrangements and make your choices wisely.

Good luck!

Valelia1313 Oct 2019
I hope you are able to find peace as I know how you feel I am having same feels ngs at the start of my days but I said I would do it and keep her out of a facility so I feel I have to so I'm stuck
againx100 Oct 2019
You do not HAVE to. We say "no nursing home" way before we know what it means in the reality that becomes our lives. There is no way to know how things are going to progress. So when things get more difficult than we could have ever imagined, we have to give ourselves permission to change our minds in order to save our own sanity. Would our parents want us to be miserable and burnt out? Of course not! And if they wouldn't care about such a thing then why should we care about them!
CTTN55 Oct 2019
Are you an only child? Perhaps it's a sibling's turn to take care of your mother.

Are you living in her home, or she in yours?
anonymous971239 Oct 2019
My brother has opted out completely and doesn't even call or come over anymore which makes me super angry and resentful and I find it hurtful to my mother. Furthermore, he has been critical and nasty on and off to me for years and years. This is the guy that said he would take care of her, when he bought his new house, and I said you wouldn't last one week with her. And she acts up a few times and he said I am not coming over anymore. Yeah, real easy to say you would take care of her when everything is fine and dandy, but when the going gets tough he walks away. I find that there is no one you can depend on when it comes to this or the death of my father. Everyone disappears and it makes me very sad and angry at the same time.
Learninga Oct 2019
I have the same issue with my mom, I moved her up to Reno with me, from Arizona do to my brother killing him self, because he couldn’t take care of her anymore. He left her alone and I took over. With all that I was terminated from my job at a wonderful hospital, I took to long in getting her up here. I was devastated!! No one helped the move I did it all by myself. It’s been 3 yrs and I can’t take it anymore, she wants all the control. I work, I get disability, widow pension. I’m 57 and now I have a boyfriend. And she wants to no exactly what time I will be home, we’re I’m going. She is very evil, I do not have a life, it gone.
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Please start to think about yourself. I was you. My caregiver days came to a screeching halt. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t how I wanted it end. I am still emotionally struggling. But with the help from my therapist and the wonderful advice from this forum I am going to make it. I am getting better.

Whatever happens to my mom is out of my hands now. I did my best for her for nearly 15 years in my home. Nothing was good enough towards the end. I couldn’t please her no matter what I did.

It started out fairly well. It gets old giving up your entire life. It becomes very hard emotionally and physically. Hard to be exhausted all the time.

You are going to burn out. Ask anyone here on this forum how I resisted too. I thought it was my duty forever. I grew more and more resentful.

Please start to make a plan for a facility for your mom. Even if you have help at home you have no privacy or peace. Best wishes to you.

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