Hi everyone. My partner is out of state taking care of his mother. It has been 10 months now (the doctors said it would be anytime 10 months ago) and there's no clear timeline for this. We have young children who are being affected by the distance as well. His mother is refusing any/all care including a home health aide or hospice. Has anyone dealt with this before? He feels guilty if he's not there because he feels that it is duty to care for her during her final days/months. I support him with this but I am struggling at home and don't even know if I'm being as supportive as I should.
I am feeling guilty for thinking about myself and my needs during this time. I feel helpless because I see how this eats at him emotionally but he's too stubborn to see it haha. And I feel angry at his mother for refusing care and essentially giving him no choice but to be away from his young family during this time.
Has anyone been successful convincing their loved one to accept care/assistance?
He should be living at home and visiting her once or twice a week rather than the other way around. I think the whole “must be at mother’s side at the moment she draws her dying breath” is not a good goal. He could sit and sleep by her bedside 24/7 and she could pass the moment he gets up to go to the bathroom. My dad was in hospice and on morphine for pain when he died and I saw him a few hours before he passed and spent most of the day with him in the days leading up to his passing and he seemed totally unaware of anyone’s presence in the room. I know it is different for everyone.
maybe in that case it helped that he had said he was ready to die and had no fear of it.
But we all know for sure that your partner’s being away from home and not with your kids— you will all remember this for the rest of your lives.
I don’t long for or expect my son to be there for my the moment of my passing and I most definitely do NOT want him putting his life on hold for weeks, months, or years because of anything to do with me.
So make sure you're paying attention here as he is telling you exactly who he is and that you will NEVER come first nor will the children.
It may be time to just cut your losses here, as this is more of a relationship issue between you and your partner than it is the fact that his mother won't accept help.
And you shouldn't be feeling guilty here as it should be you, your relationship and your children that should be coming WAY before his mother, dying or not.
I hope you won't continue to settle for second or perhaps even third in your partners life and will now do what's best for yourself and your children going forward, as you all deserve SO much better.
Your 'partner' is caring for his mother for almost a year and you don't make any mention of her condition worsening and there is no homecare going to her (CNA's, visiting nurses, hospice personnel). What's pretty obvious here is your resentment that your 'partner' has been at his mother's for almost a year.
Does this not raise a red flag with you? You have children by a man who makes no legal commitment to you. He's also been living away from you for almost a year. Based on what you've said here, he's caring for his mother while at the same time using the situation to gradually end his relationship with you. You and your partner need to have a serious talk privately. Then the two of you need to have a real sit-down with his mother about what next steps are going to look like. If he's not willing to, then you'll know where you stand and can move forward with your kids and without him.
Good luck to you. I hope everything works out.
Your last post you said MIL is in her last stage of lung cancer. Don't think she will here for many more years.
This is really hard to answer and this man is caught in the middle. He is all his Mom has and she is dying. Not really sure how I would handle this. Yes, she is being selfish. She needs to be told she is loved but he has a wife and kids who miss him. They need him too. There has to be a compromise here. He needs her to except help.
If she won’t relocate to an al near you, it’s on her to get into one where she is.
In this case maybe the mother should move where her son lives.
I went through something similar with my husband but his mother lived a mile away from us and my daughter was already an adult and I worked full time. I still felt a bit of resentment because our weekends were not our own. That was a three year slog.
If he has POA and her condition is such that it should be activated then he has the say and can move her to a facility, in spite of her opinion. If he doesn’t have that ability then how she handles her life is in her hands alone, but also he has no obligation to do as she says. He can still visit her either way so he wouldn’t be cutting all ties. Even if she won’t listen, perhaps he will if you point out that in a care facility she would receive much better care than any one person can give her alone. If he wants the best for her that would be it.
I wish you luck!
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