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My live in FIL is constantly hovering over us. I’d he hears us in our kitchen, living room, he comes out. He eats dinner with us and is ever present. Hubby and I work from home so during day we are in our home office all day. During this time FIL stays in his room and watches tv. He does walk around our small neighborhood 3 times a day though. I keep telling my hubby he needs to have some socialization outside of us. But hubby says FIL is not interested. My guess is that FIL thinks he might have to play games/cards etc and his eyesight and mental capacities are not there anymore. He was an alcoholic in his adult years and I think his brain aged faster than normal. Anyhow, is it good to push someone to adult center to get them socialization outside of us and if so how can we mak him comfortable about this idea. I personally need him not to be 100% in my life. Thanks for your advice.

Even in the best of circumstances it is hard to have someone living under the same roof. I understand. Too much togetherness is never a healthy thing. Plus sometimes people want time to themselves in the privacy of their own homes. I get what you are feeling and it’s completely normal to feel as you do. Anyone that doesn’t understand may not have walked in your shoes. We all have unique situations.

Some older people get set in their ways and it’s so hard to suggest any change in their lives. I honestly think that they can become oblivious to how it effects others. Everyone needs their own space from time to time.

I hope that at some point you or someone else is able to influence your FIL to give you and hubby some privacy in your own home.

Take care...
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Maggie Mae can ask as many similar questions as she wants. This is an open forum. This is the first time I’ve read a question from her.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to want private family time with her husband. Her FIL is fortunate to have a child and spouse who permit him to live in their home. He should have some boundaries and looking at her chest does not demonstrate his having boundaries.

My MIL lives in my home. My husband is deceased. Her other children and their spouses will not let her live in their homes. Her husband is in AL. To save money for her future care, I asked her to move in. I do not charge her for anything. She contributes to groceries when she wants. There is nothing in this for me.

She is currently upset with me because I have gone out for dinner with a man. I have been widowed 15 months. I finally told her that if she cannot respect my privacy she needs to have her children find her another place to live. I also told this to one of her sons. He laughed and said lack of boundaries is why none of them want her to live with them.
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Reply to UsedupDIL
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
Thank you used up. I do think the elderly will push as far as they can. God Bless you.
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Your not being selfish, IMO. You have a right to privacy in ur own home. Why doesn't ur husb take steps to enforce boundaries? It's his father after all...
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
Thank you Tiger. I don’t understand why hubby doesn’t enforce boundaries. It has always caused issues between us when I bring it up. He just says his dads an old man what do you expect. One time went to buy my hubby tires and FIL wanted to come with me. So ok. But when we get to tire shop FIL says to me “can we pretend your my wife”. Creepy, Of course I said in a serious note, no that is just weird. And I did tell my hubby and he tells me to just ignore it he’s an old man. I know I would have to walk away because I don’t think I would be chosen over his dad. Sad but true. Thank you for your support.
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Hi, I had a neighbor who went to the daycare, only after her daughter went with her the first time. (It helped break the ice, meet the staff, & let her try an activity). I think the daughter called the director for a 'tour', (so it wasn't a 2 hour stay, but maybe 30 min). Once my neighbor got used to it, they signed up... & the daycare van wud come get her & bring her back home.
Sweet deal!
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
I think I should check out first, then bring hubby so then we can go with his father.
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Do you have a Men's Shed group in your area? Some times men don't yield naturally to socialising, but an activity group especially for males where they tinker is often much more appealing. I'm not sure whether he qualifies but I'd definitely look into it.

https://usmenssheds.com/locations/
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
Thank you I will check this out. Appreciate your help.
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Some people are not social & have no interest in socialization what so ever. I really understand you wanting him out of the house some, that would drive me crazy also, but if he walks around the neighborhood 3x a day I don’t know if he should be classified as “lazy”.
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Tiger55 Sep 20, 2019
True mollymoose, I'm a loser at socializing myself. Although I do like to 🚶 walk a lot, lol. (I sound just like the FIL).
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
So what. Isn’t this a forum for us to go to to discuss , seek advice and find help. If you are bored with my repeated comments or questions, I would kindly ask you ignore me and not point out what is obvious to me. You came across judgynJoAnn29.
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I think this isn't about socializing Dad out there. I think this is about you. He is doing what any member of a household would do. Come out to be with the family when the family is .
If you need a break because his activities are repetitive or annoying or you are trying to do thinks and they are interrupting.....whatever, then know that it is really about you.
And then it is to say that YOU need the break, so Dad has to have this number of hours at the senior center, or whatever. One near me does free lunch. Many are picked up in a van and go to lunch and activities, even if that is sitting about and talking. I imagine the break for family is a good one if they are 24/7 caregiving.
I imagine our elders see it different. We are their kids, right. They had us underfoot for how many years. Now you are all together again, and isn't that great, and by the way they want to make a lot of the decisions because that's the job of a parent.
It's tough to comb all of this out. That is for sure. To find something that works at least even a little for all involved. Hope you find some good answers.
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
Hi AlvaDeer. Thank you. It is true it is I who needs the break. By the way, this is not my father but my FIL. My dad passed when he was 54. This man stares at my chest at dinner, makes inappropriate comments that I just stomach. I had a great dad and I have wonderful brothers. None who are like my hubbys dad. I wish my FIL would go to an adult care center. I wish my FIL would understand boundaries, I wish he wasn’t narcissistic, I wish he didn’t have boundary issues. All I know is for the last 2 years my life is not what I planned. But at the end of the day I work on trying to be kind and I work on not feeling resentful. My hubby needs my help. When I start to talk about his dad it bothers him. He knows what I say is true but honestly he is trapped. We do so well when I support him which means supporting his dad. My options are to stay and deal or leave. If it was between me and FIL I know I would be the one to have to go. It’s just life. My life.
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Minus the part about living with you this is what life looks like for a lot of elderly people, especially single ones. He does respect your time while you work, but since he lives with you I don't think it is abnormal to expect interaction when your workday is done, just as you would interact with any member of the household when everyone is home.
Why is what he does through the day bugging you so much? I think that the real problem is that you are chafing against having him live with you, I doubt you'd be so concerned about his daily habits if he lived elsewhere (and frankly the comment about him being too "lazy" to go to the senior's centre sounds antagonistic). That said I do agree that helping him find something to occupy his time and people to socialize with when he feels like company would be a good thing - do you think you both might be happier if he was living in an IL community? A relatively health 85 year old may have a lot of years left, is this arrangement sustainable long term?
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MaggieMai Sep 20, 2019
Chilies, I can see where I sound harsh and please let me give you more info and tell me if I am. I do try to be a good person and this is very hard for me

every single morning he gets up and comes out when he hears me in kitchen. He talks about himself. He talks and talks. He will come up in my office when he thinks I am on phone with his grandchildren even though I am on work teleconferences. He talks only about himself and his stuff at dinner. He stares at me in uncomfortable ways. I do his cooking, cleaning, groceries and he doesn’t pay anything to look EC with us. Now we do t need the money but it would be nice if he appreciated any of this. He is not interested in any adult activity centers. But you have made a very good point. It is me who has the problem and he should expect to live his life as he sees normal. So it is me who has to adjust. I work hard every single day to not be bitter and remind myself this is an old man and to support my hubby I must be kind. And you are correct in your comments and I will continue to try and work on my shortfalls for being thrust into this situation live. Long term I hope for him to have an in law suite in new house which we will get next year and I hope this puts just a wee bit boundaries in my personal space. I know I sound selfish but this life is truly hard for me.
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Maybe you could hire him a friend to come to your house and take him out with the goal of taking him to an adult day care or senior center where he could get comfortable with the activities etc.
Perhaps they could start with watching tv together or taking the walk together and then go out to lunch at the senior center. Start with one day a week and go from there. Perhaps they could run errands for you?
How long has he been living with you? Does he pay you living expenses? No doubt he’s lonely and wants to visit before you start your day. It would be tough for me to never have privacy.
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