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Dublingercare Asked June 2019

How to stop feeling angry about my siblings not supporting Mam?

I found my mam on Stephens day on the floor of her bedroom. I had her rushed to hospital where she was put on emergency dialysis and it saved her life as her kidneys had failed. Mam is 88 years young and she is now living with me at the moment. From the minute she was taken in to hospital, all my family wanted to know about was her house and her will. I am the only one living here in Ireland with my mam and the rest all live abroad for over forty years and hardly ever came home or even sent my mam a card. I just feel so angry and upset, but don't want my mam to see this or know how her children are carrying on. I have one brother living here but he is a manic depressive and no help what's so ever. They all make me feel like I am been made a fool of and its really getting me down. One sister came home and brought my mam to her solicitors, to make out her will, promising my mam she would be back and forth every month and has not been seen since. I just do not know what to make of all this now and feel totally disrespected, used and sad. But I will still care for my mam no matter what, she has been a very good mother to me.

Countrymouse Jun 2019
Boxing Day, only with a double meaning to the word Boxing.

So. What happened was that on December 26th you and Daughter arrived at your mother's house to find her collapsed on the bathroom floor. The s**t had hit the fan, only too literally. You went with your mother in an emergency ambulance to hospital, while your daughter and other daughter tackled the house, bless them. Meanwhile, your bipolar brother turned up at the house - did someone call him, or had he been expected anyway? - and sat watching.

Bipolar people who are compliant with their medications quite often don't appear to do a heck of a lot, you know. Damping down the manic episodes tends to damp down everything else, too. Just by the bye.

Not clear whether you alerted the others or your brother did or whether your sister rang the house expecting to speak to your mother but was answered by your BP brother or one of your daughters instead.

In any case, there they all are, Boxing Day morning, and what filters through is that your mother's been rushed to hospital and your girls are "in the house."

Chuckle. You know exactly what they were thinking, don't you?

Did they think "gosh, imagine spending your Christmas holiday scrubbing crap off Mother's carpet - what excellent granddaughters!"? No. They did not think that.

They thought: "ohmygod! vultures! they're getting in there first and they're going to cut us out quick quick save the jewellery - !"

Keep in mind that if not drunk they will certainly have been hungover. And, its having been Christmas at the time, probably in a financially stressed and highly acquisitive frame of mind.

And keep in mind that curious phenomenon called "projection." They thought that you were prioritising the money because *they* were prioritising the money.

It's not disrespectful to your mother. But it's unbelievably insulting and offensive to you.

But it's also what happens in a stressful, traumatic situation when the people you have to communicate with are drunk or half-drunk or hungover and there is a sudden crisis.

I don't want to make it worse, but this is important. Did any of them say or hint or imply that they held you responsible for your mother's collapse?
Dublingercare Jun 2019
No no one said I was responsible and lucky enough as I was fit to burst. On the morning I found mam I was in like a trance like mode, I was like a robot if you know what I mean. We got her up off the floor and I took off her trousers etc , washed her down and put on a long skirt (ambulance had been called) then I went with mam in the ambulance and my two daughters stayed to clean up. (My mam helped me rear my kids). So I think my husband called my brother, then he came straight to the house, I'm just thinking now why he did not go straight to the hospital ..hmmmm So I was in the AAnd E by myself and the doctor did not hold out much hope for my mam , I was totally ridget with shock and then they let me in to see her, I will never forget it, she had tubes sticking from her neck (evening crying here now thinking of it omg) Then one doctor came down and asked me did I want my mother revived if she went into , not sure what to call it and I pleaded with her to save my mothers life. The doctor then asked me questions about mam, her lifestyle etc and I told her, my mam is a strong women, we had an abusive alcoholic father and mam reared us all by herself while he drank. I told the doctor all this and then she said to me , well your mam has a good chance then, as she is a fighter. They put her on dialysis and through a miricle she pulled through. Yes you are right about my family, that's all they thought about was , my daughters been in mams house rooting but the gas thing is my mam only has 6 gold rings and a necklace. I bought her three of the rings myself and my husband bought her the necklace, other then them my mam has no valuables at all in her house. This feels like a death in my family the way they are going on and my brother seems to be involved as well but in a very manipulative way that I can't put my finger on. I often wonder how I'm coping as I found my father dead and sat with my step dad as he passed away last year but maybe it prepared me for all this. I never thought my family would turn like this as I am the youngest and always seen good in them , until now. I am lucky I have three kind, loving, giving kids of my own who like myself love nature, animals and good people , so I am going to put all my love in to them and my mam. The only thing is I don't want to see any of my family, except for my sister and I'll have to see my brother as my Mam constantly worries about him. So what do I do
Countrymouse Jun 2019
So your mother has now been living in your house for six months.

You have one brother who is out of action because he has mental health difficulties. One sister who you can reach through her husband - you're not close enough to speak to her on the phone? Who are "the others" and where do they live?

The thing is, it isn't support for your mother that you want from them, is it? You're not expecting them to *do* anything useful, especially. You are upset that they seem not to care about their own mother, and that their first reaction to hearing that she was taken to hospital was to think "who gets the house?" And, in your sister's case, then to make sure of the will.

Pretty repulsive of them, I agree. Concerning yourself with material matters is not in itself horrible or wrong - it's just a matter of fact - but there are priorities in these things and thinking of the will before you think of your parent is... not nice.

When you say you don't know who to trust: trust with what? What are you fearful about?
Dublingercare Jun 2019
They are all living abroad , Spain, London, and my sister who I message is in Greece. I can talk with her but it's very expensive , so I talk through messanger. Yes you are right I'm not looking for them to do much but to act in such a disrespectful way towards their own mother is not on. When I let my sister in London know about mam been brought to hospital and she in turn let the rest know , not one of them asked how was I coping. The morning I found mam, I had my daughter with me. Mam had destroyed herself, the bathroom, her bedroom floor etc as she lost all bodily control. My other young daughter arrived and I went in the ambulance with mam. They scrubbed everything for hours and washed all the bed cloths etc. My brother arrived in mams house and sat watching them. Then I got a call from my sister I London saying my other brother and two sisters wanted to know Why my daughter's were in my mams home. Well I went totally beserk and rang them up but they denied saying this. I could not get in touch with the oldest sister so told my other sister to tell her what I said. So then the sister from London arrives totally drunk , goes up to see mam tells me I better get things in order as the family will want the will sorted, then fly's back. So then mam comes home after been in rehab and stays with me. This sister comes home again brings mam to her solicitors and sorts her will out and my brother drives them there. She is telling my my family want this done and it's better for my peace of mind but now my sister has been here from Greece and knew nothing of any of this seemenly So I don't know who to believe. But I wish they would just leave me alone to.look after my mam. I ended up in hospital myself over all this and lucky.my.mam was still in rehab at the time. I now feel I have no family but my own husband, kids and Mam.x

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JoAnn29 Jun 2019
I am one of 4. 3 are surviving, me 69, brothers 63 and 59. 63 yr old lives 8 hrs away the 59yr old 30 min. Neither one of them when out of their way for Mom. Oh, I am sure they loved her, she was a good mother. Maybe too good. No weekly or even monthly calls. Birthday and Mothers Day most of the time not observed. Christmas, only because the wives did something. But with the one who had to mail it, it was almost Easter before Mom got it. And then, it wssn't something she could use or would wear. I found tops never worn that SIL gave her when I cleaned out. I tried to tell her to give Mom money. She could take it and go shopping for what she needed. No, it had to be a present. Neither visited, maybe once a year. TG Mom had nothing when she died and the house she did have I can't sell and its falling apart. I am the one who stayed in the same town. I was there for every ER , hospital and rehab stay. For both parents. I have been thanked by both for caring for Mom.

I have chose not to be angry. Its energy wasted that u need for Mom and yourself. I was not good at Caregiving but I did it. The only reqret I have is I had no patience. Otherwise, I did for my parents. No regrets there. I really believe what goes around comes around.

So, do what you need to do. Love her and don't worry about the rest. You r not alone in this journey. We all have relatives that did nothing but stood there with their hands out. Just let it go. Once Mom passes, you probably won't see your siblings again.

They don't need to come home for that inheritance either. My DH inherited from an Uncle in Wales. His estate was handled by a solicitor by email and DH signed all papers electronically. We had the money direct deposited to our acct.

Just be happy knowing ur the one there for Mom.
Dublingercare Jun 2019
Thank you Joanne. I am going to just let it go as it is eating me up inside to see my siblings act so selfish and callous. I just hate the very thought of meeting up with any of them ever again. And your right at least I'm here for mam and will never have any regrets about it. Thanks xxx
Countrymouse Jun 2019
How many are "all the rest"?

If they moved abroad forty years ago and haven't been in touch to speak of ever since, it's not surprising that they don't feel any close connection with your/their mother. The damage is done, as far as that goes; and if they have careers and families in their home countries - their home countries as they are now - all the more so. It's disconnection. It IS very sad, but... what more is there to say? It's a bit late for remedy.

The sister who came home - are you in touch with her yourself?
Dublingercare Jun 2019
Yes . She in on messanger, well her husband is and I contact her through him. She is the only one who has reacted to how I'll my mam has been. I had so much stress over all this, that I lost my memory ,one evening and had to be rushed to hospital in case of a stroke. I was kept in five days and was diagnosed as My brain just closed down to protect itself from traumatic events. I was so frightened. You see it's not only the getting of help from any of them, it's the way they spoke and conived between themselves about mams house and finances and not bothering about her lying in the hospital fighting for her life. I feel just empty inside now towards them and don't know who to trust or talk to. Also mam does not know any of this as it would break her heart to hear about all this carry on. So I keep it all to Myself.
Circleoflife3 Jun 2019
I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mother . I know exactly how you feel as I FELT THAT WAY UNTIL I CHOSE NOT TO ANY LONGER . Being a caregiver is very hard . When you are not rested and when you have a range of emotions going on it is that much more difficult . The number one thing to remember is that you have to take care of you in order to take care of her . My mom loves in my home and has for about three months . Prior to that my older sister had her when mom was really at her worst from a health perspective . She may not jade been in her home each and every day because she was in the hospital but my sister was constantly with her and taking care of the medical movement . We have three other siblings and they do NOTHING TO HELP AND IN FACT WOULD MICH PREFER SHE BE IN A HOME OF SOME SORT. My other sister and and I have asked for financial support or any other kind of support they choose to give ..... NOTHING.

I have ave come to the point that I simply do what I do because I want to do it , I believe or to be the right thing, I would want my child to care for me the same way when I am at that point . This perspective completely changed the way I interacted with my mother each day . In turn it changed my Mother’s interactions, mental presentation , she because stronger physically, her memory and thought processes improved tremendously ... it has been a WIN WIN.

Take me a moment and explore the “ why” of what you are doing and enjoy the time you have with her . You will find that you will gain as much from your caregiving experience ... of not more than your mother does . Hope this helps !

#circleoflife
Dublingercare Jun 2019
Yes it has helped me a lot and thank you for that. Could I just ask you a few questions please. Did your mam know the way your other siblings were carrying on ?? You see when they call Now ( only calling a lot since she was in hospital) she thinks the world of them. And I can't stand to see her been fooled. I love mam 100% as we have been through some tough times together and I do enjoy caring for her. At the moment she does not want to do much of anything as she said she still feels weak. What did you do to keep your mam active. Mam looks at TV most of the time but it's sad to see her just sitting there , staring at a TV all day. She is afraid to go in to my kitchen because I have a step up in to it. Yesterday I bought a small fridge, toaster and kettle for her room so she can make herself a cup of tea etc when ever she feels like it , so fingers crossed this might get her moving more. When you say you are interacting more with your mam, in what way?? Like what could I be doing to have her more relaxed and happy.xx

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