I found my mam on Stephens day on the floor of her bedroom. I had her rushed to hospital where she was put on emergency dialysis and it saved her life as her kidneys had failed. Mam is 88 years young and she is now living with me at the moment. From the minute she was taken in to hospital, all my family wanted to know about was her house and her will. I am the only one living here in Ireland with my mam and the rest all live abroad for over forty years and hardly ever came home or even sent my mam a card. I just feel so angry and upset, but don't want my mam to see this or know how her children are carrying on. I have one brother living here but he is a manic depressive and no help what's so ever. They all make me feel like I am been made a fool of and its really getting me down. One sister came home and brought my mam to her solicitors, to make out her will, promising my mam she would be back and forth every month and has not been seen since. I just do not know what to make of all this now and feel totally disrespected, used and sad. But I will still care for my mam no matter what, she has been a very good mother to me.
So. What happened was that on December 26th you and Daughter arrived at your mother's house to find her collapsed on the bathroom floor. The s**t had hit the fan, only too literally. You went with your mother in an emergency ambulance to hospital, while your daughter and other daughter tackled the house, bless them. Meanwhile, your bipolar brother turned up at the house - did someone call him, or had he been expected anyway? - and sat watching.
Bipolar people who are compliant with their medications quite often don't appear to do a heck of a lot, you know. Damping down the manic episodes tends to damp down everything else, too. Just by the bye.
Not clear whether you alerted the others or your brother did or whether your sister rang the house expecting to speak to your mother but was answered by your BP brother or one of your daughters instead.
In any case, there they all are, Boxing Day morning, and what filters through is that your mother's been rushed to hospital and your girls are "in the house."
Chuckle. You know exactly what they were thinking, don't you?
Did they think "gosh, imagine spending your Christmas holiday scrubbing crap off Mother's carpet - what excellent granddaughters!"? No. They did not think that.
They thought: "ohmygod! vultures! they're getting in there first and they're going to cut us out quick quick save the jewellery - !"
Keep in mind that if not drunk they will certainly have been hungover. And, its having been Christmas at the time, probably in a financially stressed and highly acquisitive frame of mind.
And keep in mind that curious phenomenon called "projection." They thought that you were prioritising the money because *they* were prioritising the money.
It's not disrespectful to your mother. But it's unbelievably insulting and offensive to you.
But it's also what happens in a stressful, traumatic situation when the people you have to communicate with are drunk or half-drunk or hungover and there is a sudden crisis.
I don't want to make it worse, but this is important. Did any of them say or hint or imply that they held you responsible for your mother's collapse?
You have one brother who is out of action because he has mental health difficulties. One sister who you can reach through her husband - you're not close enough to speak to her on the phone? Who are "the others" and where do they live?
The thing is, it isn't support for your mother that you want from them, is it? You're not expecting them to *do* anything useful, especially. You are upset that they seem not to care about their own mother, and that their first reaction to hearing that she was taken to hospital was to think "who gets the house?" And, in your sister's case, then to make sure of the will.
Pretty repulsive of them, I agree. Concerning yourself with material matters is not in itself horrible or wrong - it's just a matter of fact - but there are priorities in these things and thinking of the will before you think of your parent is... not nice.
When you say you don't know who to trust: trust with what? What are you fearful about?
I have chose not to be angry. Its energy wasted that u need for Mom and yourself. I was not good at Caregiving but I did it. The only reqret I have is I had no patience. Otherwise, I did for my parents. No regrets there. I really believe what goes around comes around.
So, do what you need to do. Love her and don't worry about the rest. You r not alone in this journey. We all have relatives that did nothing but stood there with their hands out. Just let it go. Once Mom passes, you probably won't see your siblings again.
They don't need to come home for that inheritance either. My DH inherited from an Uncle in Wales. His estate was handled by a solicitor by email and DH signed all papers electronically. We had the money direct deposited to our acct.
Just be happy knowing ur the one there for Mom.
If they moved abroad forty years ago and haven't been in touch to speak of ever since, it's not surprising that they don't feel any close connection with your/their mother. The damage is done, as far as that goes; and if they have careers and families in their home countries - their home countries as they are now - all the more so. It's disconnection. It IS very sad, but... what more is there to say? It's a bit late for remedy.
The sister who came home - are you in touch with her yourself?
I have ave come to the point that I simply do what I do because I want to do it , I believe or to be the right thing, I would want my child to care for me the same way when I am at that point . This perspective completely changed the way I interacted with my mother each day . In turn it changed my Mother’s interactions, mental presentation , she because stronger physically, her memory and thought processes improved tremendously ... it has been a WIN WIN.
Take me a moment and explore the “ why” of what you are doing and enjoy the time you have with her . You will find that you will gain as much from your caregiving experience ... of not more than your mother does . Hope this helps !
#circleoflife