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Superman56 Asked December 2017

I cannot find any affordable assisted living for my mom. Any suggestions?

I love my mother but she has become more demanding with needs that I feel lost in handling, and I really feel its time for her to go, I'm it, she has no one else and I'm wearing down, which on that subject, people make me feel bad cuz I just can't do this anymore. She's not been diagnosed with dementia, but I think she is suffering from it. She makes logical decisions rarely and every day she says"I dont know why the Lord won't take me", or"I wish I had a gun", EVERY DAY SHE SAYS THESE THINGS, and I really don't know what to do with that, I feel tons of guilt cuz I'm losing my compassion it feels like, cuz I'm doing the best I can and I cant have a logical conversation with her, it simply feels like I'm having to take care of a stranger, she's hoarding past hurts that I can't fix or help her to make some kind of peace with things so she can let them go. I guess I'm saying shes a very depressed person and I've grown very weary but I dont want her to go to a nursing home, and assisted living is ridiculously priced, they're just ripoffs, I feel like, I'm just rambling, this is the only place I can speak what's really on my mind, I would appreciate someone telling me if I'm being selfish I guess, cuz she is my mother, but she is a very difficult person the majority of the time and my marriage is suffering hugely, we r on the verge of splitting up after 25 yrs, its like I have to choose between my mother and my husband which is so unfair, I know there's others out there feeling like I am, I'm just looking for someone to suggest something, cuz I'm totally alone in her care and well being, but do I really have to lose my own life?

pamzimmrrt Dec 2017
Instead of a NH maybe look into a "care home". They are family homes that take in a few elders, and the setting is a house, not a facility. They are normally much more affordable, and I have 2 friends who have had good experiences with them. She will be around others her age, with some care and full time minders and food, etc. Good luck!

BarbBrooklyn Dec 2017
Is your mother's depression being treated?

Depression is a very real disease, and it's pretty common in folks with Dementia and cognitive decline.

Have you spoken to her doctor about her symptoms?

"Hoarding past hurts" is actually a symptom called rumination. My MIL suffered from it; she could recite every slight she'd ever recieved, going back to childhood. An evening with her could make the cheeriest person suicidal, so I know what you mean!

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cdnreader Dec 2017
Dear Superman56,

I hear your frustrations. It is a lot to care for an elderly parent and it does become emotionally and physically draining. I would try and speak to a social worker about all your options. There is help for you and your mom. It will probably take time to organize but in the meantime, I hope you can arrange for some respite care and give yourself a much needed break.

Please know we are all here to listen and support you.

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