My husband fell again while I was at the dentist. When I came home he was on the floor in the bathroom and never made it to the toilet. I managed to get him on the shower chair and cleaned him up with a shower. While I was trying to get him out of the shower, he fell back into the tub. I had no choice but to call the EMS for help. He might have IBS because this has happened many many times before. He also has Parkinson's and Neuropathy. He is in a wheelchair at all times. He is 82 and I am 81. This time I had him sent to a hospital where they are arranging the 30 day therapy for him. He also has dementia. He knows his name, address, and telephone but never knows what day, year, or season we're in. I am hoping I can take him back home after therapy with some help, but my 2 sons are suggesting visit him every day I keep him in long term care. It's been a rough ride for me for many years. We're married 60 years and never been apart. I cry all the time. I visit him every day but miss him at night. Don't know what to do. I need support and answers. What to do ? I know taking him home would be a hardship for both of us (as I am finding it difficult lifting a pushing him into wheelchair and bed.) I am strong and healthy but concerned about my age. Feeling very guilty.

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Oh, and the guilt thing? Please let that go.

Guilt is for when you've done something wrong, correct? What do you think you've done wrong? Getting your dear one professional care? Taking care of yourself?

These are not unreasonable actions. These are well thought out and caring actions. No guilt!!
Helpful Answer (15)

My dear, your husband keeps falling, right? He had multiple medical issues that need medically qualified folks to monitor.

I'm going to suggest to you that if you keep trying to care for him alone, YOU will end up injured, or worse. Then where will he be?

Of course you're sad! This is a sad thing, being separated from the one you love, but it cant be helped. His conditions dictate his care needs, not what our hopes or dearest wishes.

Please work on getting him placed long term. Talk to YOUR doctor today about your deep sadness. You may need some meds to get you back on your happy, productive life path.

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Thank you all for your kind words and support. He is now in a Re Hab facility and I will visit every day, it's very close to where I live. So far, he seems to be going along with everything. Last time he was in a place like this, he begged to come home and after 4 days, I buckled and took him home. He now understands that this is not possible for me to be alone with him. I am now in contact with a social worker which will help me have an aid incase I take him home after 30 days.  I really don't know what the outcome will be. I feel sad because he is not eating. He is diabetic too and the food is so bland. He is a large man (200 lbs) and used to good Italian food.  I am guilty of spoiling him so much in the past. Now, we both have to adjust to this new life. Again, thank you all for such encouragement. This forum means so much to me and I know I am not alone as so many of you are in the same predicament (or worse) God bless you all.
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Please work on getting him in AL. you are in over your head, you cannot take care of him, if you can't navigate without him you can move in too. My step father and his wife are in AL, they have a nice 750 sq ft apartment and are really happy there.

Do what is best for BOTH of you.
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I would recommend getting a social worker by contacting your local area on aging. They can direct you to the services that you need. Search office for the aging, it looks like there are 3 offices in Yonkers. This would be my 1st step.

I would try to find a facility that would meet his needs and where you can stay together. I live in AZ and we have lovely facilities that have layers of care so that spouses can remain together for as long as possible and both get their needs met, you could do activities and socialization while a professional staff is helping your husband with activities and socialization that are appropriate for his condition.

I am sorry that you are facing this decision, it is a difficult time and you are wise to see that you need assistance.

Please try to get some rest while your husband is being cared for by professionals. You need to your strength and your wellbeing matters a great deal for both of you. Do you have anybody that can spend a few nights with you?

Take care of you during this difficult time.

Great big warm hug and strength to you for your new journey.
Helpful Answer (10)

It sounds like he needs more than any one person can provide full time.  Even a younger person!   You have done so well.  Guilt is a normal part of grieving, and you might be doing the pre-loss grieving, which comes and goes.  I would think,  "If only I had noticed his fever and infection earlier, it wouldn't have gone septic and killed him.  He'd still be alive."  The truth is, he was already in the hospital, and no one noticed right away, it happened so fast.  I couldn't do everything.  This was 20 years ago, and I can still remember how I felt.

My advice is to have your sons or friends help find a good placement for him, and you nurse yourself, pamper yourself for awhile.  It is an awful time to go through.  Be gentle with yourself, and accept support.  Prayers and big (((HUGS!)))
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
I remember my mom blaming herself when my dad died. It’s absolutely no one’s fault. She thought she should have told my dad not to have heart surgery because while he was in the hospital recovering he had a stroke.

I tried to tell her that if he wouldn’t have had the heart surgery he would have died. She questioned herself. Made me sad to see her hurting and blaming herself.

I think when someone dies people are in shock and their mind wonders all over the place with the ‘what if’s’ and the truth is the death could not have been prevented. It was simply ‘their time.’
I think you have done an admirable job. However, finances permitting, it is time to let others care for your spouse. Your children are offering good advice. Your home is not safe anymore. Your husband should not be alone at any time. Have a family meeting. Evaluate no more than 3 long term care facilities, make your decision, and make your husband as comfortable as possible in his new surroundings.

You will be able to visit your husband as much as you want. You can dine with him as well as enjoying the activities you can still do together.

Do not feel guilty. Be thankful you are capable of making sure the rest of your husband’s days are ones you can share with him in a safe environment. Tell him you love him everyday. It may not seem to register, but he hears every word.

it is time for you both to rest.
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What a terrible and sad position you find yourself in, I'm so sorry.

The thing is, bringing him home would be a hardship for both of you, but it would also be really risky for both of you. He has already fallen, twice, and had a bathroom accident just to rub salt into the wounds; but then think how much worse it might have been if you'd been injured trying to help him.

In a perfect world, there would be a continuing care facility that you could both move into so that you can continue to lead your normal independent life but with all the support you need to meet his care needs. Is there anything like that in your area? What are your options?
Helpful Answer (8)

If you are a good person, trying, but with limitations, I don't see a reason for guilt. If you are a felon who is doing evil acts with intent to hurt another you have good reason to feel guilty. Remember, psychopaths and narcissists do not feel guilt. You are doing the best you can. Please pay honor to that within you that understands your own limitations in this. I am so dreadfully sorry for all you and your hubby are going through.
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Oh, I so understand your dilemma. My husband just came home 4 days ago from a hospital stay. He came home totally delusional and his mobility is very unsteady. He has parkinsons and a bad liver. short term rehab was recommended, but I decided to bring him home because of his experience in rehab last July. I have help 2 hrs a day and am alone the rest of the time. I am really questioning my decision to bring him home. He is up 2-3 times a night, which means my sleep is interrupted. I strongly encourage you to put him into LTC. I know its not an easy decision, but you have to think ofvyour own health.
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