I'd like to ask a question right now and give more details later due to running to do my school assignments (old lady in college).

And speaking of, is it wrong not to have called my grandmother and mom this past week? They are both narcissistic, the first one moderate to "mean" and the 2nd one is full blown but can scale it down at times (not long enough though).

Though they try to hide it, they have their demands of me because they are seniors. None of us live in the same place and I am brimming over with work and school.

My grandmother calls last week to get a spare key from my mother that's lost or misplaced. Wanted me to bring it to her to make copies. While I wouldn't normally mind, I had to choose between deadlines and driving it to her ; though more inconvient to them, I inquired if she could ask a couple of other folks, as the ones mentioned are all retired. Then I tried working other things out like getting her spares made. Plus, made sure she had another lock presently on that door (couldn't recall for sure, was running around at work at the time) so if no one else could get the spare, I could still do my work and get it done and to her another day. Even said maybe she should change the lock altogether, being the key was gone, and I'd help her pay for it. She basically snapped at me that she wished she never asked me. And my mother chimes in (surprise, surprise), when I called her, to just run the key over to her. Ok, I said I was already trying to figure it out, but that wasn't even easy, because I could still miss a deadline. So, I ran it there, hugged her at the door (she didn't hug me back), said I would say no more about it (we also talked earlier that day and I asked why everyone even had spare keys but me who is doing the running, apparently because I have a car; I have always been there for her and my mother, never took anything, only gave to them)? She only would say she's getting a headache, something she never said, yet these sounded like my mother's words! That is what triggered me more, plus my abusive extremely narc sister who would keep saying the three of them only "tolerate" me (she lives out of town, otherwise it would have been her doing it, their golden child). So, now after consistently being there and going from calling every other day, to once a week, I don't want to call at all for a longer time, especially to make sure to just concentrate on school. Is this wrong? Because both are old, had major surgeries within the last year, but live alone and back on their feet as well as can be expected for a couple of seniors.

I just had it up to here with them thinking it's already built in that I'm to do things for them, instead of them seeing why I have done things; because it's out of having a good heart. And I don't deserve my grandmother not trusting me "but so much"it seems, because why not give me spares too, the one running there if something were to happen, as she tried to make me feel bad if something were to happen while the spare wasn't brought to her? She claimed it was okay, she would just ask someone else. But why not in the first place, when she knows my schedule? It's okay to still ask though, but not okay to me to feel "tolerated" and all that nonsense.

So, call now or later?

Thanks for any advice, guys!

P.S. Feeling 😀 when on my own, and too much 😧 when thinking/dealing with them.

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Thank you all again.

So as I had stated on my last post, I needed a break from them for awhile; not only to concentrate on school, but to figure out my life where they're concerned. Haven't spoken to them for 2-3 weeks now, until...

Guess who texts me last night at 2 in the morning? My mother, with the message she is worried about "you and your health."

I wasn't exactly surprised of course, but wanted to shut this down asap, so she didn't start, and keep invading my time and space.

Basically, she was insisting on being concerned that I was sick, even though I didn't say that to her. She keeps harping on my saying before that I became sick with bronchitis and it is my own fault for telling her I wasn't feeling well every winter, as I get colds and flus like everyone else complaining around me! So, I ended up telling her she was the one who was making me sick.

She left another text message a little while ago saying she didn't understand my saying SHE was sick just because I put the word "I"! Once again, making it about her! Unbelievable!

I called again to ask her not to start this back and forth stuff, it's none of her business and it's negative to hear. She insisted why not be concerned about me, and why can't I take 5 minutes? Said I'd been doing more than that for years, I'm busy, tired of going through it, and this is my time not to hear her being negative. All she had to do was say hello.

Tried to gray rock it for awhile and not attract more narc energy, but couldn't help myself. Like them, I will be hitting the reset button again; but I will need to try again towards my peace and not the chaos that they seem to love so much.
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Right! To all, and thank you.

I was busy doing school work and it's mucho late, but wanted to answer to say thanks for the wise words, as the fog is lifting, but it's still cloudy for someone in my position.

For now, someone said something about it being hard as a caretaker. Uh, uh. No. I'm not, just looked to support. But they are too short sighted to see when they had someone good. Have more to say, but have to hit the hay!

Thank you so much. 🤗
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Why izzit ... that the worse people treat us, the more we care what they think about us? The more they treat us with contempt and kick us, the more eagerly and desperately we crawl to their feet and lick their boots?

I did this, for way too long. It took me nearly 20 years to realize I was in an abusive relationship (marriage). No more! I finally realized I didn't break him and I can't fix him! I think narcissism is probably a good name for his personality. Life was all about him and his needs and what I could and should do for him and why everything I did was wrong.

Thank God I woke up and smelled the decaf. I may never love anyone like I loved that man, but I'll sure as toot take better care of myself. It wasn't easy to cut those ties, because I was basically addicted to the relationship, and it was the exact same relationship I'd had with my narc mother and sister... you know that saying, I'd been down so long it looked like up to me?

But you can be free. I've recommended these books before: Toxic Parents and Divorcing A Parent. They saved my life. Good luck and God bless.
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I think you might be overthinking this a bit. Your mother and grandmother sound a bit petty and like they have too much time on their hands. You, however have a life. Live your life!

I had a light bulb moment recently that has changed my life for the better and this is what it was. Just because I think something does not make it true. I sometimes project things onto people that only exist in my mind. From now on I'm not going to think that someone else is thinking or feeling something unless they actually tell me that they are. For too long I have treated people based on something that I felt they were thinking about me and it turned out they were never thinking it at all.

So how this applies to your question is you feel bad for not calling cause you think your mom and grandmother are thinking this or that. But you don't know this for a fact so stop worrying and live your life.

I read something once that sums this up.

When we are in our twenties we worry what people are thinking about us.
When we are in our forties and fifties we don't care what people think about us.
And when we reach our senior years we realize no one was thinking about us at all.

Also, when you think someone is giving you a dirty look they might just be constipated.
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You sound young. I think for your sanity you need to start backing away and put up Boundries. No way would I have left something important to do something for someone
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Call when, and only when, you feel ready and up to it, even if that means little to no contact. They will figure out other solutions to their problems without you at their beck and call. And, you don't need the stress while trying to focus on school and your own responsibilities. Also, when and if you do call, you have the right to hang up if they start being rude.

Unfortunately, I know this narcissistic behavior too well, and have had to set limits too for my own sanity. Nothing you say or do will make them see how their behavior affects you because in their mind it is all about them.

Hugs to you. You don't have to tolerate their rudeness and disrespect.
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ShineBright (I like your nickname!),

Really the only one that can answer this is you; is it ok for you to call later, or not to call, or to call now just to check on them?

What drives the answer is your heart, your mind and sadly an always present companion we caregivers tend to have, guilt.
If intellectually you think they are ok and not in real need or danger; if in your heart you feel it is ok to not check on them for a while, and if you don’t feel guilty about it, then I would say you have the answer. Now, like I have said other times, guilt may be well founded or driven by our emotional problems, and only we know the origin and the difference. Depending on the origin, we should react. Easier said than done, I know.

As far as what bothered you that your sister said about you being “tolerated”, what I think happens is that you are letting the behavior and words of these three (per your description) narcissistic personalities get to you and affect your caregiving journey. I understand it is upsetting to hear your sister who doesn’t do much about the situation tell you that, but really, look at the big picture and you’ll realize that it has no weight at all in what you’re doing and in the overall situation, so don’t let it upset you more than the importance you should give to the opinions of people that have no idea of,what your life is every day and all,the sacrifices caregiving requires.
Plus, do you really think you are “tolerated”?
Or are you needed?
Maybe you are rather tolerating, don’t you think?

Please realize that in the life of a caregiver the only opinion that really has any weight, is the one of the caregiver. Because only we know what and how much of it we are doing, or not, if we are honest with ourselves. The rest is just unnecessary noise, and should be treated as such for our own health and so we can remain able to be there for the ones that need us.

Lastly, as caregivers I believe we need to place ourselves above all the minutiae -which yes, sometimes feels like huge deals- that detours our life from where we want and need to be, and if that is to be there for our loved ones, then placing ourselves emotionally above all the issues will help us be more at peace and to do what we need to do.

May God bless you and enlighten you!
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rocketjcat Feb 2019
Beautiful answer, well said.
Call who?!? Sorry that doormat has been thrown out and the new one doesn't live here anymore.

I am floored that they could even look you in the face, tolerated. I would tell them to jog on. You are done tolerating their dirty nappy behavior and you are focusing on a happy future for yourself.

I am sorry that they try to make you feel inadequate and only tolerated. That alone is reason to completely disconnect for ever and always. I would change my phone number and never say a word, just disappear.

You are awesome and deserve so much better!
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Later, later later later... You get the idea. Much, much later. They've got you running in circles to the tune that you are not good enough and not doing it well enough.

Well, enough!!!! Time to pull the plug and give yourself some well deserved space.

BTDT. Not worth it.
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Oh, how this resounds!

My mother, a little self absorbed at best, has never been close to me. I realized one time that she literally NEVER called ME. It was the opposite, I was raising 5 small kids and would have appreciated a break with just a phone call or a card on my birthday. Y'now, just to think she was thinking of me.

One Christmas Day, I sat with the whole family and thought "I wonder HOW LONG she'd go w/o trying to check in on me or trying to make any contact" (This was over 30 years ago--landline phones were all we had.)

From Dec 25th if that year to about Nov. 20th OF THE NEXT we had NO communication. Zippo. She finally called ME to ask me if I was hosting Thanksgiving Dinner. I was, but you better believe she wasn't invited.

Almost 350 days. It was incredible to me and taught me a very valuable lesson: she didn't/doesn't care about me and mine.

I'd take it lot more personally, but she;s like this with all the sibs too. We never know anything. She can't text or email and doesn't want to learn.

I owe her nothing but the respect I'd owe a person who fed and clothed me and then tried to get me out of her house ASAP.
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Riverdale Feb 2019
So sad. And to have 5 children and never bond. At least you know you didn't inherit her value of motherhood.
So these folks are asking you, a working adult who is also going to school, to drop everything because they lost their keys?

And they act all annoyed at you?

I wouldn't give them the time of day, frankly. Be polite to me and say thank you or find someone else to clean up your mess!! Dont allow your family to treat you like trash.
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Oh, ShineBright, you're catching from it three generations, grandmother, mother, and sister. I'm sorry. Your profile states your mother and grandmother are senior and are narcs, but also they can handle their own affairs.

Your question was, call now or later. You know what? LATER, MUCH LATER. There's nothing wrong with being a senior, and you state they are on their own. Since they're narcs, I'd back off even more.

Since my experience with my three narc Twisted Sisters--I'll never contact them again--I have no tolerance for narcs, none. Wanton cruelty is a basis for you going no-contact as far as I'm concerned. And since your relations can manage on their own, and you're busy taking your life in a new direction, I wouldn't think twice about not calling. If they need something, they can call a locksmith or other professional or your dear sister.
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 2019
Yep, yep, yep and yep!
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I’m not sure why you call at all. You are allowed to have your own life. Try being a little less available to them. And yes you can put off calling.
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