My father was diagnosed with dementia and is in a home. Its been very hard on us. My mom is about 62 years old, has a great job, and in good health. But due to my dad's illness is extremely depressed. I live in another state and just got married last month. About 4 months ago, my mom called me stating I need to fly home every four weeks to help her with my dad. I already have been flying there a ton. Then about 3 weeks ago she told me she may retire early and come live with me.
There wasn't really a question if this would be ok, she just said its cheaper to live where I do and she could better pay for my dad's needs here and live with me. I told her I would love for her to be near and that would be ok short term, but I think maybe her living near me, not with me would be better. Keep in mind in the past I have had to move out of my mother's home because she became very demanding of my time and very involved in my personal life. It didn't go well. So I told my brother I had a lot of anxiety about my mom wanting to live with me. I am newly married and that's an adjustment in itself. It also doesn't seem necessary. She is in good health. Makes six figures. She is just lonely. My brother responded calling me selfish and that I should be ashamed of myself. He said he would take care of it and to basically "have a nice life" and doesn't speak with me now.
Then the other day as I was telling my mom to visit, and spend a few days with me. She is off work for a couple months and maybe us spending time together would help. But she doesn't really want to. Instead, she said maybe she would come but wanted to talk to my husband and me about giving her money every month to help. And I honestly was floored-and didn't know what to say. She has money, a pension, my dad's inheritance is pending but she has gotten some of it, and a house almost paid off with a ton of value. I asked her if she had explored these options first and she brushed it off stating she cant tap into that-that would ruin her future. My response was, lets explore other options first. I have things I'm paying off, I'm getting a house, and planning to have a baby soon (I'm 34 yrs old). So I made my decision and ended up telling her I didn't think this was something I can do right now.
Although I do understand my dad's care is very expensive. Maybe later on, but right now I don't think so because I don't think it's healthy. I really feel like my mom is having a hard time grieving and is depending on me to take on her responsibilities. I don't think it's healthy. I suggested counseling to help her through this or support groups. But she just says yeah and doesn't do it. So I feel bad about it because I don't like seeing her in pain. It's hard placing boundaries with her but I feel I have to because I have seen what it has done to me when I haven't in the past. And I am highly concerned if I go along with her requests it will have negative affects on my marriage. In fact, I know it will. If this was absolutely necessary for my mom, that would be totally different. I do do everything I can to help. I make appointments for her. I do research. I'm the one that found the home for my dad. I call insurance carriers. I pay for tickets there. I offered to pay for her airplane ticket to come visit. But it seems like it's never enough to my family and I'm feeling a ton of pressure. So my question is, am I being unreasonable here? Am I a selfish daughter?