Accused of stealing and told I'm no longer welcome. How do I get her to listen?

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Some of you know my all too familiar story:


30 year caregiver of my mom, including the last six years of macular degeneration, incontinence, etc.


Narcissist mother, golden child brother and then me. Found out my mom gave my brother sole POA of everything and half of her house. He abandoned her, uses her credit cards, is verbally abuse, mortgaged her house five times and rarely visits her. Left her literally for dead last month. She was hospitalized in late June and he told the doctors not to talk to me about her condition or treatment, though I essentially live with her and he lives 60 miles away. Said he was going to sell the house and move her in with him. She doesn't want to. I fought for her, even started a refinancing of the house so I could take over her mortgage and pay off all the credit cards he'd racked up ($50k plus)as well as pay off a high interest debt of mine with a much smaller amount. I fought so hard to protect her independence and her house, was willing to give up my own home and move in with her to care for her (she is a monstrous person but I was still willing). My mom agreed to all of this but then my brother put a stop to it when he found out, as those are not his plans.


My mom was hospitalized with a kidney infection and had several weeks of confusion and memory loss and hallucinations.


Now she doesn't remember we were working on the refinancing and my brother, who well knew we were, is telling her that I not only went behind her back to do it but also that I STOLE money from her using her credit card. My mom and I signed a promissory note in June because she let me take part of the cash from the refinancing early in order to pay off a high interest debt. I showed her the promissory note when they accused me of stealing, as well as the emails with the lender showing that we were all talking on the phone together, were concerned about my BROTHER stealing from her, etc. She actually closed her eyes and covered her ears to avoid seeing the truth, which would have proved he was lying.


She told my husband and I to get out and that we were no longer welcome. I said, Ok, then we won't clean the feces off the toilet seat for the sixth time today then, Mom. Or give you your medicine or make your bed or fix your tea or clean your dentures or change your diaper. Which pretty much sums it up. So we left. And we haven't been back.


We talked to the lawyer yesterday about going to court against my abusive and fraudulent brother/POA/trustee but he said basically if my mom says everything he has done to her is ok, we won't win. We decided to walk away from the entire sick situation and focus on our daughters and the rest of our wonderful family--and to start to make some money and save for retirement since we have given up literally hundreds of work days in the past few years for her.


So my mom doesn't remember anything and my brother took advantage of that to tell her I am stealing from her. I don't know what is worse: his deliberate lie or her believing him.


I left my mom's house forever and neither myself, my husband or our daughters ever want to go there or see her again. However, I would like my mom to hear the last thing I want to say to her, namely:


I did not steal from you, and I am disgusted that after I gave you everything my whole life, you would think that. I want to tell her I fought for her to keep her house and her independence and was going to pay all of her mortgage and her bills and keep making her life beautiful with family, meals, growing her favorite flowers and reading to her from the Bible and her favorite books. I want her to know that she has made a huge mistake and to think about that when she is in the nursing home or at my brother's house where she doesn't want to be, and when her home and garden are gone.


How do you get an elderly person to listen to you when they do not want to listen to you?

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I knew you all would say this! And you are absolutely right.
I'd like to think that she would be wringing her hands and regretting it when they are tearing down her home, but she will by then just feel that "it is for the best" because that's what my brother will tell her.

It is maddening knowing that their story will be that they found out I was stealing from her and then disappeared.

But you are right, who cares? My whole family and all of our family friends know the truth. They also know that my brother and his wife have disowned all of us because they think they are better than my mom and dad's extended families.

When I don't show up at her funeral, it's going to extremely embarrassing . . . for them and the woman formerly known as my mom
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Reply to ChiGirl68
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You can't, ChiGirl, though I understand your wanting to. My experience with narcs is my 2 twisted sisters accused me of helping myself to Mom's money when I had only reimbursed myself for Mom's specific expenses that I paid for and for half of the car expenses (a car I wouldn't have had in the first place had I stayed home in another state), though my sisters ignore the fact that they were paid by Mom regardless of any expenses or labor on her behalf and reimbursed 100% for items they bought even though those items weren't needed. Before Mom passed and afterward, sisters would hound me about it. Being narcs, they refused to listen or would interrupt me with accusations from out of left field.

I realized they weren't interested in hearing me. They were only interested in venting and spewing against me, anything, even things that weren't true. Nothing made them happier than be infuriated over something--the truth of it didn't matter. They didn't care one bit about me or my sacrifice.

Your mother and brother are just like my sisters. They don't care. They're only interested in themselves.

After I came home, my sisters (Sister 1--the executor) decided I would reimburse Mom's estate for what I reimbursed myself for and stole about $7,000 from my inheritance. They'll get away with it: 2 lawyers, a police officer, and district court clerk all stated it would take a lawsuit.

I hoped Sister 2 would call after a time and I had it worked out what I would say to them--like you--try to get them to understand what I went through to leave my home and be Mom's live-in caregiver--some measure of appreciation. Then I realized even if I did say everything I wanted to, those two would only laugh at me behind my back. I don't deserve that.

Instead I blocked all their phone numbers from my phone. I mentally and emotionally walked away and put them out of my life. I feel so much better than if I had tried to make them listen knowing they wouldn't have anyway. That's the upper hand, ChiGirl. Stay on the high road and put yourself first. Take control and walk away.
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Reply to MountainMoose
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You can't make someone listen to you if they don't want to listen to you. And you can't make someone believe something when they don't believe it. It seems as if your mom has made herself very clear.

You say she's a monstrous person and you have left her house for good. Yet you want to plead with her to recognize all the things you've done for her. Why? Why not just walk away as you say you are going to do? That holds more weight than any last words you may have for her. If you've been so wronged in so many ways why not just walk away? Why would you want to keep participating?
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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