Some of you know my all too familiar story:
30 year caregiver of my mom, including the last six years of macular degeneration, incontinence, etc.
Narcissist mother, golden child brother and then me. Found out my mom gave my brother sole POA of everything and half of her house. He abandoned her, uses her credit cards, is verbally abuse, mortgaged her house five times and rarely visits her. Left her literally for dead last month. She was hospitalized in late June and he told the doctors not to talk to me about her condition or treatment, though I essentially live with her and he lives 60 miles away. Said he was going to sell the house and move her in with him. She doesn't want to. I fought for her, even started a refinancing of the house so I could take over her mortgage and pay off all the credit cards he'd racked up ($50k plus)as well as pay off a high interest debt of mine with a much smaller amount. I fought so hard to protect her independence and her house, was willing to give up my own home and move in with her to care for her (she is a monstrous person but I was still willing). My mom agreed to all of this but then my brother put a stop to it when he found out, as those are not his plans.
My mom was hospitalized with a kidney infection and had several weeks of confusion and memory loss and hallucinations.
Now she doesn't remember we were working on the refinancing and my brother, who well knew we were, is telling her that I not only went behind her back to do it but also that I STOLE money from her using her credit card. My mom and I signed a promissory note in June because she let me take part of the cash from the refinancing early in order to pay off a high interest debt. I showed her the promissory note when they accused me of stealing, as well as the emails with the lender showing that we were all talking on the phone together, were concerned about my BROTHER stealing from her, etc. She actually closed her eyes and covered her ears to avoid seeing the truth, which would have proved he was lying.
She told my husband and I to get out and that we were no longer welcome. I said, Ok, then we won't clean the feces off the toilet seat for the sixth time today then, Mom. Or give you your medicine or make your bed or fix your tea or clean your dentures or change your diaper. Which pretty much sums it up. So we left. And we haven't been back.
We talked to the lawyer yesterday about going to court against my abusive and fraudulent brother/POA/trustee but he said basically if my mom says everything he has done to her is ok, we won't win. We decided to walk away from the entire sick situation and focus on our daughters and the rest of our wonderful family--and to start to make some money and save for retirement since we have given up literally hundreds of work days in the past few years for her.
So my mom doesn't remember anything and my brother took advantage of that to tell her I am stealing from her. I don't know what is worse: his deliberate lie or her believing him.
I left my mom's house forever and neither myself, my husband or our daughters ever want to go there or see her again. However, I would like my mom to hear the last thing I want to say to her, namely:
I did not steal from you, and I am disgusted that after I gave you everything my whole life, you would think that. I want to tell her I fought for her to keep her house and her independence and was going to pay all of her mortgage and her bills and keep making her life beautiful with family, meals, growing her favorite flowers and reading to her from the Bible and her favorite books. I want her to know that she has made a huge mistake and to think about that when she is in the nursing home or at my brother's house where she doesn't want to be, and when her home and garden are gone.
How do you get an elderly person to listen to you when they do not want to listen to you?