I'm 43 year with health issues myself. I've been caring for mom for almost 4 years now. The things she is doing is coming between me and my fiancé. She's destroying food late at night while we're asleep. She doesn't go to the bathroom, poops and urinates herself and throws adult diapers on the floor. Relying on me to pick them up. We also have 3 children at home. I'm torn. A nursing home is needed but family that don't help are against it. What should I do?

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Sit right down here beside me and let’s talk.

I’ll start. Here are your choices- CHOICE ONE- you find the nicest, nearest residential care center that you can, you make the arrangements for her placement in advance, and then she goes there.

CHOICE TWO- you keep her in the situation she’s in now, and she slowly (but surely) kills you.

You have done this for four years. That gives you permission to tell the “ that don’t help [and] are against [residential care]....” that you agree with them AND since you have done your part for four years, it’s no longer your job.

When she has been placed, you visit often, at different times in her day, spend 10-15 minutes with her, hug her and tell her you love her, and leave.

Time to stop being “desperate”. Make a decision that’s good for HER and for YOU, and Be at Peace with it. YOU have PAID YOUR DUES.
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igloo572 Feb 2021
Just fabulous answer!
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"a nursing home is needed family that don't help are against it"

I suggest this family is told to put up or shut up, drop her off at their house for an open ended "visit" and watch how quickly they change their opinion.
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I cared from my MIL with complaints about nursing home costs at times from family (they were convinced it was free where they lived). When we had to move, I wrote and asked if anyone would like to resume her care so she would be closer to them. Deafening lack of response. Didn't worry about their opinion any longer.
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Umm...this is a no brainer. You call the family that doesn't help and are against your mom going into a nursing home, and you tell them that because they didn't want her going to a nursing home, that you will be dropping her off at their house tomorrow, so they can take care of her from now on. Guaranteed, they will be changing their tune in no time. Start looking for the appropriate facility now. Your fiance and children must come first. Best wishes.
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Family members that do not help with mother do not get to make decisions about mother's living arrangements. They are known as 'armchair critics' and are the worst of ALL the critics because they sling the arrows from the comfort of their armchairs while you're deep in the trenches, picking up the dirty Depends and cleaning up the destroyed food.

Your mother obviously suffers from some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's if she's not been diagnosed yet. She's not safe to be wandering your home late at night, 'destroying food' while you're asleep, and wreaking havoc with with 3 children around to witness it. The most important thing is your children's well being; that is your prime responsibility. Your mother would benefit from living in a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility where you can become the son again instead of the caregiver. If the rest of the family doesn't like your decision, they can come pick mother up and move her into THEIR home and deal with incontinence, food destruction, and nighttime antics. They will also need to put locks high up on their exterior doors to prevent mother from getting out of the home during her nighttime wandering escapades and getting lost. No joke.

First get mother to the doctor for a full medical work up. When you have a sound diagnosis, THEN you will know what sort of facility she needs to move into. That's when you inform the family of your decision.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
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So... [this is guessing]

Your mother had a stroke nearly four years ago. You moved her into your house [were your fiancee and child(ren) already there?].

I could ask why, but anyway you did.

Since then, mother's health has not improved. She has more recently broken a hip - how is that recovery going?

What input has there been with your mother - is anybody working on or with her at all? Any attempts at rehabilitation or health improvement of any kind? She's very young just to be given up on.

Any dementia besides what might be related to the stroke and its causes?

Not sure what you mean by "destroying" food.

Why does the family that don't help have any say in this decision? Who is supporting your mother financially?
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Your profile says your mom is only "62 years old, living in my home with broken hip, mobility problems, stroke..."

We will need a little more information in order to give your our best suggestions:

- is this new behavior "all of a sudden" for her? Asking because it could be from a UTI or thyroid issue or overmedication. In this case she should be taken to the doctor for a thorough exam. All mentioned issues can be rectified and she will likely improve.

- does anyone have a legally executed Power of Attorney for her? Not something your mom said verbally, but the actual original legal documents she may have created with an attorney? If not, and if she does have cognitive decline (like dementia, short-term memory loss, ALZ) then no one will be able to make medical and financial decisions for her and guardianship must be pursued through the courts.

It is maybe too early to think about a facility until after a diagnosis of mental incompetency is made. If incompetency is established as a medical fact, and your siblings are "against" transitioning her into a nursing home, then THEY need to move her into their home since they obviously have no idea what it feels like to provider her ongoing care. YOU get to decide if she lives with you and you provide her care, not them. Even if one of them is her PoA, YOU still decide what you wish to do or not do. Do not allow them to pressure you into this, paid or not. I wish you much strength and wisdom and you work through this with your family, and peace in your heart if you choose to resign from her caregiving. Please feel no guilt.
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MargaretMcKen Feb 2021
Not quite sure about how this reads. If you own or you rent your own home, then you choose who lives with you. You don’t need to wait until “after a diagnosis of mental incompetency is made” before deciding that this visit has now come to an end. Move mother to ‘family’ for their turn at a visit, and leave it up to them to take it to court. Then THEY have to prove that your home was her residence and you can’t terminate your visit. Don’t forget to change the locks.
1) Read Ann’s answer!

2) Read Ann’s answer!

3) Read Ann’s answer!

Now follow her advice as soon as it is humanly possible.

Seriously, I hope that you are able to find your way back to living your own life.

I know that your issues won’t be resolved overnight but I do hope it is sooner rather than later.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Tell each one of the ones that do not think it is "time" or that they don't think it is a good idea that they will start taking turns taking care of mom.
The one that is most opposed should go first.
It is not a good idea to move someone with dementia from place to place but I have the feeling that this will not last long.
Give a specific date as to when you are going to drop mom off.
Who has POA? if anyone.
If something like this does not work you do have the option of going to court and asking for Guardianship. At that point yours will be the only "vote" that matters when it comes to moms welfare.
And mom probably does not need a Nursing Home but a Memory Care facility. A far cry from the "old" nursing homes and different than a Skilled Nursing facility.
The reason I say Memory Care is that the things mom is doing is more of a dementia type problem. This may be due to the stroke OR the stroke is from Vascular Dementia. While in Memory Care if she is able to some Rehab might help with the mobility.
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