I am a daughter who is also ill, My mom is in assisted living/memory care, we had her little dog with her, and it is causing issues , because she is not able to look after the dog, and the dog is old too, I think it is time to put the dog down, and I know it is going to add alot more turmoil to things. My mom gets emotionally upset, and she calls me, I am 20 miles away. All I can do is offer support on the phone. I currently have a cold, so it's not a good idea for me to go be around other elderly people , Right?!

Anyway , There is also an issue another person is a POA, and communication is not happening. they think they are alone in the decision process, and I have assured them, they aren't. This other person and myself were named as POA, other person first, and me next, well since I'm now on Hospice pallative care, I have to remove myself from that, which I did, and I'm paying attorney fees on this btw, anyway, I added my husband in my place. Well the POA , now assumes she is alone, and has to make all the decisions all the time, NO, that is not true, and I've told them, We are here to help, You just have to ask for help , I mean, Shoot I can't mind read.
Another issue is we do not feel my mom is getting enough attention if you will, at the facility. She goes and sits in her room all day long, and if she doesn't come out for meals, they don't go get her. Isn't that a bit odd? I thought, we were suppose to have a family meeting, 2 months into mom living there, I have asked about it, and they say we'll set that up, but never do. Trust I am really involved, and I speak up A Lot! I am not rude or obnoxious , but I do speak up. I am very involved in my mom's well being out there. I was diagnosed with Mitochondrial disease, and my body is starting to really deteriorate, I'm worried that , if I die no one will look after my mom properly. POA is a family friend. and she is busy with her own issues and family. My husband , is nearly 70.
My mom is 77. and now has to have heart surgery, Aortic Valve replacement surgery. They think that is what is causing the dementia plus other things. They hoping to do it via her groin, I hope. The other option really isn't an option, My mom may way 98 pounds soak and wet. I'm scared ..
I got a lot, going on here, and sorry to be long winded. I have expressed, I think Me and the POA , need to go to support groups, she says she doesn't have time. I am also concerned about the POA , shes doing so much for her own family, working full time job, working another job on weekends. She's gonna end up getting sick herself and be no use to anyone then so yea.. That's my life in a nutshell at moment

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Seeing any other legal advise is not an option , We saw mom's attorney 2 months ago and got mom's will and living will updated, costing me $475. and was hoping mom would , put the car in the will which she didn't remove the existing poa , which she didn't but i still have to pay the bill , so yea, fun

as far as the dog, Vet has advised, it was fair to the dog, see my last post, it explains

I have mitochoindral diease with MELAs , form of muscular dystrophy, and stress is killing me, literly .. Long story , i married moved to England and before, we made the person who is poa, poa , I got dianosed with a terminal illness told go home, be around family and friends, dunno how long you got left.. I am 3 years past my death date, poa wanted to hand stuff back to me , 8 years ago, and i didnt think i'd be alive. . I said no . little did I know what would transpire. . No she is NOT doing what needs done.. NO she is not communicating with me, and Yes, the AL place is pretty fed up with her too , I have adult protection at moment on board, but they stop as of May 29th . I just saw a paper today on that , so it may be , they are waiting till that dies off, to remove my mom and take her back home, which would NOT be safe at all .. and not a flipping thing I could do about it .

so , ask me why now , I'm stressed?!

It's not fair, I am the Daughter, I care ,and the poa, has No clue, what my mom's wishes are, what her allergies are, what I've been taught as a kid, about how to prepare for all this stuff... it isn't I want anything I really don't take the car, the house, everything , just make sure my mom is OK, and safe.... that's all I want.
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Cynda59, if I am reading this right, your Mom has only been in Assisted Living/Memory Care for two months? I know it can take time to adjust.

My Dad was in Assisted Living/Memory Care and he would spend most of his day in his room. He just wasn't a social butterfly. He preferred his books and local 24-hour news on the TV. Dad's facility wasn't very large, and the dining room Staff knew Dad by name, and if he wasn't at a meal, they would telephone him. Usually he had dozed off and lost track of time.

As for Power of Attorney, only your Mom can make any changes to it. I wouldn't be surprised when that POA was originally written up, the primary POA didn't have a full plate, and neither did you. I know I was caught off guard with all that is involved when I was my parents POA, it was exhausting, like having another full-time job on top of a full-time career.

Any other family members or friends willing to take over Guardianship of Mom? How about your hubby? I know you mentioned he is pushing 70 years old, but it is not unusual for grown children in their late 60's and early 70's to be caregivers to their parents. You could work as a team. Just a thought.
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Cynda59 May 2019
My mom has been at this facility since February now .
The person made POA , was made that , 25 years ago , We called in the lawyer and I thought my mom was going to change things, no such luck as she couldn't remember why she called the lawyer in , ugh , cost me $475 to change my name to my husband on there. The exciting POA , has no clue what she is doing, she really doesn't and she is too prideful, to put her hands up and say I need help , she has too much on her plate as well , and she is not technically family , I am the one and only blood relative I'm it there is no other family friends, or anything that want to take on these duties . I just wish named POA , would put her hands up, and go , I can't do this anymore, I dont want to do this anymore, and it would open my husband and I , to take care of things , period.

No one has the gonads to stand up to the POA , i say no one, not the clergy, not my husband, not my mom , to say , Hay , so and so , it is OK to ask for help, NOW, another situation has popped up , my mom's little 4 pound dog, who has lived with her since Febuary at the health facility , is now being told she cannot live there, because it is not safe for her, besides my mom is not paying attention when the dog poops on floor, and it is starting to become a health and safety matter. .I get it . The dog is 15, and I think it needs to be put to sleep, I had a gentle discussion with my mom today, but with everything else, the POA has custody of the dog, cause I'm too ill to take her on , and well ., we'll shall see .

and on top of all that , My mom needs to have heart surgery, aortic valve replacement, Hopefully they can do it via her groin, my mom would not be able to live through open heart surgery . so yay, life is just too stressful . I've started going to counciling and also seeking out caregivers support, but doesn't help if I am the only one going to these caregivers meetings. I think it needs to be a group effort,
My major issue... No communication , the poa , wont talk to my husband, cause he is British and very blunt, and tells her like it is , and she dont like that too much . no communication , with the health facility , one side doesnt know what other side is doing, I've asked for 2 weeks now, My mom needs Xanax when she having meltdowns, Oh you got to talk to her doctor about that ,I said how come, because she's taken it up to , coming here, so yea, again another thing POA has to do , and hasn't done, She hasn't shut off any of my mom's utlities at her house, but yet wants to moan about me spending $50 for snacks and things mom wants, I mean seriously? Your paying 6 grand for my mom to be at this place. smh ... yea I'm going away in July , I hope they can figure this stuff out while I'm gone... cause Daughter is taking a bucket list trip . before my life ends.
Regarding the dog, a veterinarian will not euthanized a pet because of age, only if the pet is suffering from uncontrollable pain. I am glad others here had suggested a rescue or SPCA.

Over a year ago we adopted from the SPCA a cat who was 12 years old. At our age, a kitten or puppy would outlive us, and I could not picture myself cleaning litter boxes when in my 90's. I am so glad that the SPCA offers "senior" pets. Our SPCA is a no-kill shelter, and "Rosie" had been there for about 3 months waiting for a new home. We are her 3rd owner. Our other cat, "Charlie" who is 19 years old has a major crush on her <3
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Lymie61 May 2019
I'm not sure that's entirely true freqflyer, at 19 we finally took our 4 legged family member in for a peaceful end to her life and while she was obviously struggling and it was time, she wasn't in pain but it had gotten to the point where letting her go to sleep in my arms was the most humane thing for her. I'm with you on older animals making wonderful pets but depending on the situation and general health of the, in this case obviously loved, pet sometimes going to SPCA, moving to a new home with new people is actually harder on them. Transition can be just as hard on an elderly pet as an elderly person.
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I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. You sure do have a lot on your plate and yet you are worrying over your mother and her POA. If funds allow, I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney in your mother's jurisdiction. Some will do phone consults. This would allow you to get a legal opinion about the options and what would work best. It may be that someone who is available and willing to work on your mother's behalf would be better than the POA you describe. There are ways to go about having that done. You may also inquire if the POA is doing her job, but, just not informing you about things. I'd consider that as well.

If the facility is not able to meet your mother's needs due to the progression of her dementia, then she may need a higher level of care. In all the Memory Care facilities that I have heard of, the staff provide constant care and supervision of the residents. They are taken to the dining room for meals and snacks, if they are not able to get there by themselves.

And, if a pet is not being properly cared for in the facility, it should be placed into safe place with a rescue or SPCA. I'd think a phone call to them about it, would prove sufficient.
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Ahmijoy May 2019
My tender heart says thank you for suggesting the pup be placed with a rescue rather than euthanized. There are many senior dog rescues around and a little research should come up with a few.
Alot of issues going on here. Sorry you are sick also. On the note of aortic valve replacement: my mother who was high risk had that procedure done over a year ago and it went well and has helped her breathing.

As far as the POA is concerned, could you get any other person involved,possibly the lawyer who might have dealt with it. No I would not go into an AL facility with a cold. Hopefully you will get more answers to help you
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