Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
Lea, it's just crazy that the doc and sw responded to you as they did - and their setting the bar so low as to suggest to be grateful not to feel dizzy while remaining still. They had zero awareness and sensitivity there. :(
(5)
Report

Lea, I know it’s not specifically about the cake, all I am saying is that I hope you enjoy as much birthday cake as you want to eat.

Again, I wish Chuck would understand how you feel. It’s puzzling because he has been very sick in his life. You have always been by Chuck’s side, supporting him every step of the way.

Maybe men really are wired differently and don’t feel the same way that women do.

Chuck loves you. You love him. Still, it’s difficult when we don’t feel heard or understood.

For some reason, some people have a difficult time understanding what they have done wrong and also acknowledging their offenses and apologizing for it.

I understand that you wish to take something to help. You’ve been helped by Paxil before, hopefully it will help you again.
(3)
Report

I've had good experience with Paxil in the past sp, so we'll see. Not that some Happy Pill will fix this mess, hardly. It's more an effort to pacify those who cannot cope than it is to help ME. In our society, we are taught to plaster a smile on everything 24/7. Anything else creates discomfort for OTHERS. And oh no......we can't have that.

No, this has nothing to DO with a "birthday cake" but me saying this may be my last birthday. Which is the truth.

Golden, yes......the road to hell is paved with good intentions indeed. Chuck still doesn't see or care that what he did was wrong.

Nhwm/Way.....the dumb ass asked me what I wanted for my bday. I said a Cold Stone cake cuz this may be my last bday, why not? It's not about me ordering 2 etc.

Alva, thank you 😍

Cx, I know right??

Hope.....the doc and sw actually asked me if I felt dizzy while my head wasn't moving? As if to suggest BE GRATEFUL FOR SMALL FAVORS ITS NOT LITERALLY 24/7. I'm dizzy when I speak bc my jaw is moving! But hey, not when I SLEEP! PHEW. I'd say 4+ months of non stop dizziness is quite long enough now.

Send, her name is Erica and I'll join you in the slap 😁. My 66th bday is July 3rd.
(8)
Report

Ironically many antidepressants can increase suicidal thoughts.

I dont think Chuck and daughter are objecting to a cold stone creamery cake it's the it may be my last birthday comment associated with said cake they are objecting too. 🍰🎂🍨🍧🍦

Now what I would object to was something that looked like a cake but wasn't really a cake. Have you seen those meat cakes people have that look like cake but are made with ground beef and mashed potatoes? That would be fighting words if anyone gave me that for my birthday. 🍔😱😠
(1)
Report

(((((Lea))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this added stress. You are absolutely entitled to every ounce of your feelings, and then some.

What comes to mind is that the road to h*ll is paved with good intentions. I think Chuck and your dd have good intentions. I don't mean to say that I think they are going to hell. Not at all. But though their intentions are good their behavior isn't. The last thing you need is to be made to feel alone.

As for Dr. C and the sw -words fail me. Have they not an educated, intelligent, sensitive, tactful bone in their bodies?

Prayers for benefit from the IVIG and more compassion and understanding from Chuck and dd.
(5)
Report

I second everyone’s sentiments, Lea!

We all care deeply and we know that you deserve to have your feelings understood, respected and validated.

Order two cakes if you want! Eat one for your birthday and freeze the other one to eat whenever you feel like it!
(4)
Report

Lea, So sorry about all that . I agree with the others . Just want to add:

Have as many birthday cakes as you want. You deserve it !! (((Hugs))) 🎂🎂
(6)
Report

Okay, exactly WHEN can one say things about not being sure that they can take a situation any longer?

NOT at stage 4, with awful complications??

And, when EXACTLY can one order a DANG BIG, YUMMY EXPENSIVE BIRTHDAY CAKE?

NOT in the above situation? 😡 😡 😡

I will be next in line to give those slaps. 😠 😠 😠

Thinking bad words, here. 🤬🤬🤬
(8)
Report

Lea,

Your journey as written here should be a memoir and published.

I have NEVER witnessed anyone so wise and intuitive as you are at a time like this. Nor so honest.

Chuck's deep into de-Nile now. As need says, you know him best. She's right. You always have. That doesn't make it easier because right now you absolutely NEED someone you can pour your honesty out to.

Sick or well, you are one of the most remarkable women I know. I know you know I love you. I just need everyone to know it today.
(8)
Report

I haven’t ever had a Cold Stone birthday cake. I have tried a Baskin Robbins cake.

Enjoy your cake, Lea!

I like Chantilly cake from Whole Foods on my birthday. I love the whipped cream icing and fresh fruit. It’s a light and refreshing cake. Very pretty too!

I’m not very good at cake decorating. I have a friend who does catering and she makes the most beautiful cakes.

Of course, you can never go wrong with a decadent chocolate cake either.

An ice cream cake is perfect in the summer months! Enjoy every bite!
(0)
Report

Lea, I'm so sorry to hear about what you went thru today. It's infuriating about the social worker - she's in the wrong position and shouldn't have that job. She's really the definition of ignorance. When my brother-in-law and my close friend both were undergoing treatment and were given steroids, it caused a lot of mood swings and agitation...and you shouldn't be made to feel uneasy for whatever you're feeling. You have been remarkable thru this process.

From my heart, I hope your dizziness is very temporary and just working its way out of your body and that you will be beyond this very soon - and fully enjoying your life again.
- sending hugs
(6)
Report

What is the name of the social worker who said this?
"Then the social worker tried to pooh pooh me away by saying that Everybody Suffers Health Issues In Life, It's Part Of Life Don't You Know?"

Because I want to just slap her!
(6)
Report

Lealonnie!
Don't you just hate it when "they" are dismissive, even to the point of waving their hand in the air "as if" to wave you away?

I hate that too, and sorry your team did that to you.
That would upset anyone, healing from ca or not.
You can replace them, or fire them later maybe.
Put Chuck in the doghouse for today.
Chuck and DD need to address their own depression, over almost losing you!

What a great birthday plan!

You have us, your aging care prayers team.
And some personal friends to support you through this difficult time.
And I will be praying more today, and everyday.

Thank you for your telling us.
You are loved.
You are prayed for.
You are cared about.

Some time, about 2 weeks ago, I got out of bed and started taking care of important business-because I was so mad-about paying too much and being billed wrong. Just wanted to let you know that I have used anger to get things done, as advised by my doctor over 20 years ago.

When is your birthday? Will you be having chocolate and caramel on your
Cold Stone birthday cake?
(5)
Report

Wow Lealonnie! You just can't make this shit up can you? I'm sorry that Chuck threw you under the bus yesterday. I know he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, so in his mind he thinks that he's helping, when in reality he's hurting the one he loves the most. Typical male I guess huh?
Perhaps it's time to have a heart to heart with him, and really be very honest and upfront with him about everything you're feeling and going through, as most men need things spelled out very clearly when it comes to us women.
Well on the upside I'm glad to hear that your IVIG went well and without incident. That's a positive for sure!
I'm hoping and praying that as you continue to wean off the prednisone that your symptoms will get better and better and that soon you will feel more like your old self.
We're all still rooting and praying for you. Hang in there. Better days are yet to come.
(7)
Report

Oh, Lea

I am so sorry. I’m hoping that Chuck will be able to understand how you feel in time.

You know your husband best and what he is or isn’t capable of.

When my MIL was going her cancer treatments, she told my FIL how she was feeling. He said to us, “Mom feels empty. What does that mean?” He had absolutely no clue as to how she felt. She took meds to help her cope also. I don’t blame you for starting on Paxil soon.

Sending a bazillion hugs your way and will continue to pray.
(7)
Report

JoAnn,

I see. Circumstances were different then. I suppose your parents didn’t know what to do. There were awful stigmas attached to situations.

My neighbor told me that her dad adopted her brother when her mom married him.

Neither of his parents told her brother that he had been adopted. My neighbor felt awkward about being the person to tell her brother. Eventually, he found out and he was so angry that no one told him, he didn’t speak to them again. It’s terribly sad that their relationship was destroyed because he wasn’t told.

I am glad that things have progressed and attitudes are changing. All children have a right to know who their family history. It’s important.
(1)
Report

I'm here. Had the IVIG yesterday w/o incident. My DD decided to come along as "moral support" for Chuck who blindsided me to Dr C by telling him I'm SUICIDAL and need antidepressants and a psychiatrist or psychologist bc I told him "I don't know how much longer I can take this" and also that "I want a Cold Stone birthday cake next week bc this may be my last birthday" and I never allow myself a cake. In case he's unaware, I have stage 4 metastatic melanoma which could come back at ANY TIME and I'm no longer a candidate for immunotherapy. He and DD are more likely in need of a psychologist than I considering I have a more realistic and healthy outlook on this situation than they do. Dr C was pretty speechless as always. Referred us to the palliative care team, equally useless, who thought my Depression may be due to mood swings associated with steroid withdrawal? They weren't sure though. Bc wouldn't a person in my position NEED a bunch of reasons TO be depressed in the first place? Plus, as a doctor and a social worker, shouldn't these 2 know a bit about cancer and treatments BEFORE speaking with a patient? Then the doctor said perhaps next month he'd suggest another med to help my dizziness. When I asked the name of it, and he said Meclizine, I laughed out loud. I guess he didn't hear me when I said I'd been to hospital 2x and seen every specialist in Denver. Meclizine was tried first, back in March. Hello?

Then the social worker tried to pooh pooh me away by saying that Everybody Suffers Health Issues In Life, Its Part Of Life Don't You Know? To which I said Oh Really? Everyone suffers stage 4 metastatic melanoma with 4+ months of an audiovestibular toxicity reaction to the immunotherapy to know how I feel in particular? She waved her hand in the air, dismissing me entirely, trying to sweep the whole fiasco under the rug.

My DD and dh and this palliative care team exacerbated my situation triplefold. Dh is not sorry, has no clue what I'm going thru, only that he thinks I'll "live 10-20 years in remission" and even if it's with this dizziness present, that's fine for him. I feel more alone than ever. From now on I'm Fine and won't speak to him about anything. He blindsided me once, that's it. I'll be starting on Paxil in a few days, after we see that the Scopolamine patch doesn't work. I'll be a good little guinea pig.

Freddynb, thank you very much for your kind words.
(9)
Report

NHWM, I wasn't told because my Dad did not want me to know. It was a very small town, about 5000, when Mom moved there so any one who knew them knew the situation but it never got back to me. I wish I hadn't been told. My brothers and sister were told, and I wish they hadn't been. But, if I hadn't known, I would have had trouble getting my Passport. Knowing I was adopted saved me from paying to have them investigate. Just sent them my adoption papers. They question any birth certificate dated over a year after birth. Mom destroyed my original.
(2)
Report

LL, thinking of you as I sit in Orlando airport with my Mom waiting for the next delayed flight notification that will surely come. I'm praising the Lord for electronic devices and free wifi ;-)

It's a good opportunity to pray for you and put my small annoyances into perspective. Again I thank you for the gift of your journaling your experience. Looking forward to celebrating in the daylight with you outside the end of the tunnel! (((hugs)))
(7)
Report

Check Cancer.net for cancer support groups. They can be really helpful.
(1)
Report

I am praying for you. Life throws all sorts of curves at you. Stay positive if you can. Take one day, one moment at a time. I have also been through cancer and all its uncertainties. And like you, my husband has liver disease, among other conditions. I found a great cancer support group. They hugged me when I needed it and cried with me too. The thing was, I found the best side of humanity in getting through my cancer. I am in remission now. Hang in there. I have read your posts and you are an amazing, special person. My thoughts are with you.
(4)
Report

Checking on you this morning, LL.

I hope you are sleeping well out there in the middle of the night. Sun is about to rise here in Florida. 🌞
(3)
Report

JoAnn,

I wonder why your mom didn’t tell you sooner. Things are handled differently now. We told our daughter from a very young age.

DNA is fascinating! We have done DNA testing with 23andme.
(0)
Report

Excellent point, Peggy! My daughter has serious health issues. I wish that she had a thorough record of her medical history. Back then, hardly any medical history was given to us.

Golden,

You’re right. Adoptees don’t know what they will find once they search. Sometimes it is a heartwarming experience and other times it is painful. Either way, it can be an extremely emotional experience.

People feel differently about their circumstances. It’s important to have our medical history. It’s frustrating not to have crucial information. They may or may not be interested in forming a relationship.

With our daughter, she said that she would like to know about family traits and normal stuff that people are curious about.

Our daughter has always been very artistic. She draws beautifully. The agency did tell us that her birth mother had a strong interest in art too.
(2)
Report

Lea.

I came across people who had the same view as my friend from time to time and I always found it perplexing. It’s such an old fashioned way of thinking. Change is slow.

I appreciate that you have spoken out about how you feel. Our daughter has too.

You’re probably right, my friend could be ‘pretending as if,’ and perhaps even in denial of what she is doing.

We have been friends since high school. We have a lot of fun together but we don’t see eye to eye on everything. I felt an obligation to make her aware of everyone’s feelings.

She has never tried to force her opinion on my daughter and I am grateful for that. My daughter would not share her point of view.

When I did outreach work, it was important to me to present all sides. I spoke as an adoptive mother, and I always invited an adoptee, and birth mother to speak at events.

I hope that you start to feel better soon. You have spent so many hours with doctors and specialists. My word, you will be so glad when all of this eases up some. I am still praying daily for you and I promise that I will continue to do so. We are all anxiously waiting to hear you say that you are feeling better.
(1)
Report

I did not find out I was adopted by the man I considered my father was not, until I was about to be married. At that time, I did not care to know my bioDads name because Mom had started dating "Dad" when I was 1, married when I was 2 and the adoption went thru just before I was 5. He is the only Dad I knew. He treated me no different than he did the 3 that were his. After my Moms death, her best friend told me my Dad was her cousin. Its been confirmed with a DNA test my DD took. She has first cousins with the same last name. My daughter has reached out but has gotten know responses. I really do not want to meet these people. But it would be nice to find out a little about him. Because, my DD's Dad was never involved with her, reason my now husband adopted her. But boy does she have the same interests he did. I give him some credit. When he was ill with CHF, he never tried to reach out to her expecting her to care for him.

Yes, I had my Moms side of the family to relate too but they lived in another County. My Dads family welcomed me with open arms. But it really changes your life, especially at 24, when you realize that the Aunts and Uncles you see daily are not really any relation. That their children are not really cousins. That your missing half of ur family tree. Funny thing is, I had a feeling growing up that I was the odd one out.
(5)
Report

Ok.

We’ll be waiting for your update.

Glad you’re not at your worst today, so you can at least make the appt.
(4)
Report

Nhwm: this is the problem in a nutshell: "Right after we adopted our daughter, a good friend of mine said to me, “I hope your daughter never wishes to meet her birth parents. You know that I was adopted as a baby and I have never had any desire to meet my biological parents. I love my parents who raised me and I consider them my parents. I feel that it would be a slap in the face to them if I searched for my biological parents.”

Your friend is just perpetuating the "pretend as if" scenario for adoptees and further stripping us of our rights AND our natural feelings, which is typical. Your friend has a rather brainwashed attitude that my adoptive mother tried to instill in me with FOG (unsucessfully). You are one of the few adoptive parents who have the right and healthy attitude which is not one of competition or secrecy. Bravo to you! 😍

I know of few adoptees looking for new mommies or daddies...just looking to become REAL. To connect w another human, figure out where we came from, and thats pretty much it.

Cx, I haven't been able to walk w a walker to any of my appointments for the past 4+ months. Chuck pushes me in a wheelchair bc I'm just TOO unsteady on my feet and it's too dangerous. I only use a walker here in the house or at my son's house. "Dizziness" doesn't quite cover what this toxic reaction has done to me.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes for my IVIG today. I'll check in later. I'm not off the chain today in terms of feeling horrible so I'll take it 😁
(13)
Report

((((Lea)))) and continuing prayers for you to be restored.

“To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; " Psalm 25:1

Geaton - agreed adoptees have the right. Your father was a totally different situation and n/c was the way to go IMO. What I have known of adoptees wanting a closer relationship generally didn't go that well either. I think some just want to know but quickly earn getting closer doesn't work. As you say, for others it does.
(4)
Report

Lea, may God give you strength today and your doctors wisdom.
(7)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter