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Dad has been bouncing between hospital, rehab, hospital, nursing home for a month now. In all of about three days, I have been the one carting my non driving mom to see him (I do want to see him too, but would not necessarily go everyday. Plus, I would actually like to visit him alone as my mom drives me nuts). Even people who are her friends say they cannot take her for more than short doses, they wear out after that . So seeing my ALZ dad basically dying before my eyes is taking an emotional toll enough, but then neurotic mom compounding it tenfold. I said I need a day off tomorrow and she made me feel guilty. But to be fair to her, I make myself feel guilty too. I would like to be there every minute for my dad, but obviously cannot do that psychologically. And its just me. My mom doesn't drive so in order for her to go I need to go, another brother out of state, another brother with his own crazy family so he cannot help. If my dad is to have family there, it means I will be there. Although I do notice very few at the nursing home have family visit them much. Very sad. Tonight my dad said twice when can he go home When my mom and I left, he asked where we were going, and I said home. He asked if he can come too . It tore me apart. I was thinking, maybe hoping even that by this point he would not realize whether he was home or not, but apparently seems cognitive enough to know hes not, though I have read many say that. Yesterday, he began to pretty much refuse all food other than a supplement drink and I have read that when that happens, you are down to week, if that. Tears me apart but I simply cannot go see that everyday. Having said all that, what I will now say seems even crazier. If he is down to weeks, I would love to bring him back to his house and somehow allow him to live his last days at home. I am sure many say that but the truth is one just cannot do it. I would be willing to move in there for a short while. We could hire some outside help, but I think my mom will flat out refuse. And while I do have many issues with her, it would be hard to blame her for not wanting to do it as she would bear the burden more than anyone. But would so much love to see my dad in his own bed living in the walls he has called home for 60 years. Maybe naïve am I. And if I cannot handle going to nursing home every day, how could I handle caregiving at his home full time? Though there one wouldn't have the other stresses like getting nurses to help, seeing other sad people, etc.

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Freqflyer, interesting points. My dad is 93 and mom almost 88 and dad was fine until two years ago, so while this is sad, they did have a good run of retirement years, most probably than most people, so I don't feel they have been shortchanged. But the other night we were in the common area, and my dad said he just wanted to go upstairs to his where he belongs. We were in a place where there was no upstairs. I thought maybe he meant heaven but then realized at the farmhouse he grew up in, there was an upstairs and his bedroom was up there. So maybe similar to your mom. I know you have seen my comments on my wanting to bring him home and you and other people here with the wisdom of experience advise against it. I still foolishly perhaps wish if we knew he was down to days, that we could do that.
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Karsten, you mentioned that your Dad wants to go home. With Alzheimer's there are times when some patients will say "I want to go home" but it is not the home that they shared with a spouse, instead they want to go to their childhood home hoping to see their own parents and maybe siblings or cousins.

Oh your poor Mom, she is now seeing the love of her life slowly slip away. This isn't how they planned their retirement years. And she is probably scared. What will she do without him after all these years.

My own Mom [98] asked to go home, too, when she was on Hospice. But I knew that my Dad would be devastated if Mom was back at their home. Dad had a hard enough time seeing Mom for just one hour at long-term-care each day. She was in final stage of dementia which was caused by a fall, which changed her over-night. Then the more I listened to Mom then I realized she wanted to go to her childhood home. The clue was when she asked "are the cattle in the field?". Ah ha, since the only cattle was at her childhood home, then I knew.
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Can you drop your mom off and then go run errands or meet up with friends or just go somewhere alone for some peace and quiet? Maybe help her get situated in his room. My mother would visit my dad and stay ALL DAY but at least we could drop her in the morning and pick her up at night.
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