Hello community. I believe you guys are mostly in the USA so I apologise if the time of night is bad. I’m just going to spit it out, I can’t have my Dad live with me anymore. I am 33 married with a child, currently 8.5 months pregnant with our second child. Our house is large and Dad moved in 3 years ago. This maybe be a low number of years but the 24-7 of it all is driving me insane. He’s 86 and a wonderful man, no doubt there, but the constant idiosyncrasies, his weird habits, the noises, lack of social graves and just blatant absence of manners is driving me mad. My marriage is strong but tensions are rising all the time and with two young children I see myself having some kind of breakdown. I can’t do it. He can self fund accommodation but he doesn’t want to leave our house. Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to? My husband is a patient kind hearted man, but sex drive, romance and any spontaniaty have left the building. We are still a young-ish family and want our space. Please don’t condemn me for this post I have no siblings to help and my mother passed away 15 years ago. Any advice or even just someone say that they know what I’m talking about?!? Arrgghhhhhh thank you and lots of love. P.S, I don’t hatemy Dad I just can’t live with him anymore !!!!

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No-one is likely even to consider ‘condemning you’. It’s obvious what you ought to do, and the only issue is how to do it in a way that doesn’t upset everyone too much.

Two options you could consider. The first is a story about how the doctor insists that you have more rest, and says that the care your father is expecting is a risk for you and the baby. If you speak clearly to the doctor about your feeling that this is leading to a breakdown, the doctor is likely to say exactly that!

The second option is that your patient kind-hearted husband puts his foot down, says he needs his own house to himself, and where would your father like to go? A period of tension between your husband and your father may be the result, but it will be easier for him than for you as the daughter, and everything is likely to settle down after a change has been made.

You are quite right in saying that your father has no personal incentive to leave, so he is going to need to be told. Let your letter to us be the point at which that became completely clear for you!
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Isthisrealyreal Mar 1, 2019
I agree, throw the husband under the bus. It is easier than being the bad guy with such an aged parent.

Husband can make it a man thing and have way less fall out then a father daughter thing.

Great advise.
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Dear Natalie;

Where do you live? We have posters from the UK and Australia here.

You are in charge of your own home (Dad lives in YOUR home, yes?)

You are allowed to say "Dad, I'm really sorry, but you are going to need to move somewhere else; we love you, but this isn't working".

It will be hard.

But you CAN and SHOULD do it. You need your own home back.

Tell us more.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

You wrote “he doesn’t want to leave our house. Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to?” I don't deny that the goal should be his independence in an AL or IL environment. But I’m worried that he may harbor resentment toward his newest grand baby for his move out. So I’m going to come at this from a little different angle. Stop doing everything for him. Make him a contributor to the house, and not just for his own stuff, for the benefit of the family. “Dad, I’m just so tired, could you please do the laundry (or run the cleaner, whatever) today?” “Dad, I don’t feel so good, could you straighten up the living room, I have to lay down”. Can you please load the dishwasher? Can you make us sandwiches for lunch, I have a headache? Could you put the groceries away? I have to go to the bathroom. Repeat. Repeat. Load him up. “Dad you’re work around the house is going to be very helpful for me when Baby comes along.” Of course, if your dad isn’t physically capable of any of this that’s different, but if he is, even if it isn’t done 100% perfect, it’s better than nothing, and maybe will make him feel more capable, and maybe give him some impetus to get out. Then he can complain to his new buddies at the AL, “geeze, I had to get out of that house! They were running me ragged.”
Its just a thought.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to rocketjcat
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 1, 2019

I like it!
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Please don't beat yourself up. You want a "normal" family life with your husband and children. This is normal. Your family comes first. Dad lived his life; he needs to let you live yours. You have every right to direct your energies to your young children and to your husband. This is time you will never get back. You deserve your health and contentment too!

Your dad needs to move to an RC or AL. He may find himself happier with the socialization he will get. Your relationship with him will improve too when you can enjoy just visiting with him and not being his caretaker.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Sanibel01

You are a freaking saint! Ready to pop and dealing with your 86-year-old father? I did the math, and your dad became a father very late. Fifty-three is a bit old for sleep deprivation, diaper-changing, and running around after a toddler. I suggest you expose him to as much crying, dirty diapers, and baby vomit as possible if the thought of those things isn't enough to send him running. You might also want to point out that a house with small children is not very safe for an older person. There will be toys on the floor and spills everywhere...for a few years. In other words, use your children to scare him off. And tell him your labor will be concentrated on the new baby, not him. Maybe ask him to help clean? That would scare me...
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to SFdaughter
gdaughter Mar 1, 2019
babyvomit LOL...RUN save yourself! Can't help thinking of Raymond episode...
Hi Natalie,
I totally understand where you're coming from. We moved my invalid mother-in-law into our house when I was in my early 40s and homeschooling my four children. I could only hold out for 7 months and it wasn't even MY mother. Nor was she even a good mother to her own kids. We just felt it was the right thing to do. It caused me a great deal of stress. I had to have "the talk" with my husband AND her and tell them I was losing my ability to handle all the stress of everything. To this day, I regret not just putting her in a nursing home first thing. But we didn't know how bad off she really was.

Please, for the sake of your own sanity and your family's well-being, find a way to get him into an assisted living situation.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Melani4jc

You are amazing!  Caring for a big house, a child, your husband and Dad and 8 1/2 months pregnant!  God bless you.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You realize this situation isn't working and you've made a decision to change it - follow through.  Find a good place for him and then talk with your Dad.  Better yet, you and your husband, sit down with him and tell him how much you love him, but this arrangement isn't working ……. 
Hugs and prayers.  💙
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to dlpandjep

Your post is most poignant and many are in your shoes, or have been.

No one is going to judge you for reaching the conclusion you have. Everyone has to navigate this through their own waters.

Peace to you.


Op, you are STILL a good kid.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Segoline

Hi Natalie, welcome to the community! You will find a lot of good help and support here, some very good suggestions and guidance, but one thing I don't think you'll ever find is condemnation!

Having said that, I do hear a lot of anxiety in your post. It sounds as if somebody in your life is trying to inflict a lot of guilt and self-doubt on you, and you may be buying into it. Is your dad trying to make you feel as if you'd be a "terrible daughter" if you didn't let him live with you and care for him til the end of his days, regardless of the cost to you, your family, your mental or physical health?

If so, please remember what they tell you when flying with small children in an airplane: in the event of an emergency, if the cabin loses pressure and the oxygen masks drop down, put the oxygen mask on yourself first - THEN put one on your child. You have to take care of yourself FIRST, or you can't take care of anyone else.

In your situation, something has got to go - or you will. You will become unable to take care of your husband and children if you allow your dad to suck the life and energy out of you and your marriage. You need your husband, and your children need both of their parents. You cannot be the rock and the anchor for everybody, or everything will collapse.

Taking care of you means taking your life back. Other arrangements can be made for your Dad. Hmm. Why am I thinking of the play "Little Shop of Horrors?" Where the little plant grows into this all-consuming monster that says "feed me"? Don't let your dad be the monster that destroys your family. And don't feel guilty about doing what's right for yourself, your husband and your precious children. God bless and strengthen you.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to DesertGrl53
cherokeegrrl54 Mar 1, 2019
Awesome answer!!!
Its time for Dad to find whatever is considered an Assisted Living facility where u live. You can use the kids as an excuse like said. Which by the way it a good excuse. Your Dad sounds like my Dad and probably would have been that way at 86. He could have never lived with me. My husband and I are neat people. Everything in its place. My Dad had no respect for others possessions. Even his house there were burn marks in front of the couch were he smoked. So I see where you are going.

Both you and husband should sit down with Dad. (Have someone watch the baby)Tell him that with having a new baby you won't have the time to care for him. That you just can't take care of two children and him to. Maybe have a few places set up for a tour. Make him realize this is not a choice. He needs to pick a place. Maybe your husband can tell him privately that Dad taking up his daughters time is effecting his time with you. A man to man talk, sort of.

Don't feel guilty. You deserve a life with ur young family. Your energy and time should be going to your children.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to JoAnn29
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 1, 2019

It really is true. She will have 3 kids to take care of then. The elderly become our children. Role reversal.
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