Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

Dear Natalie;

Where do you live? We have posters from the UK and Australia here.

You are in charge of your own home (Dad lives in YOUR home, yes?)

You are allowed to say "Dad, I'm really sorry, but you are going to need to move somewhere else; we love you, but this isn't working".

It will be hard.

But you CAN and SHOULD do it. You need your own home back.

Tell us more.

Is there any reason that everything is done for him at your house? Such as does he need help with bathing, meals, laundry, medications, etc? He's 86, but, is he able to run his own place or does he need a place with helpers for his daily activities? If so, I'd try to find some places to tour and see which ones he prefers.

No matter how you phrase it, it's going to be awkward, but, you need your own home space. So, you have that right. There isn't anything horrible or selfish about that. He should realize it, but, if not, just explain that with the new baby coming, it'll be very hectic and loud around your house and he needs a more peaceful place...or anything that you think might ease him into the move.

You are such an amazing young woman. It takes a lot to have any parent move in. You need to think of yourself and your family . You are pregnant and you have two other children and a husband. You need to live your life and not feel bad about it. Could he get a subsized apartment in a 55 and over place. I don’t know what his situation is with money physical health and emotional. Are there any options within family. Trust me I bring that up lightly.families seem to disappear when taking care of the parents. I don’t if there is a senior center or ADRC

No-one is likely even to consider ‘condemning you’. It’s obvious what you ought to do, and the only issue is how to do it in a way that doesn’t upset everyone too much.

Two options you could consider. The first is a story about how the doctor insists that you have more rest, and says that the care your father is expecting is a risk for you and the baby. If you speak clearly to the doctor about your feeling that this is leading to a breakdown, the doctor is likely to say exactly that!

The second option is that your patient kind-hearted husband puts his foot down, says he needs his own house to himself, and where would your father like to go? A period of tension between your husband and your father may be the result, but it will be easier for him than for you as the daughter, and everything is likely to settle down after a change has been made.

You are quite right in saying that your father has no personal incentive to leave, so he is going to need to be told. Let your letter to us be the point at which that became completely clear for you!

Ahh, no condemnation here. Do what you need to do. Easier said than done, but sacrificing yourself and your marriage and family helps no one. Not even your Dad. And it's not about judgment toward your Dad. Or you. Everyone deserves peace of mind and happiness. Find yours and your Dad will most likely find his. May be tough in the beginning, but things have a way of working out. Good luck to you.

Hi Natalie,
I totally understand where you're coming from. We moved my invalid mother-in-law into our house when I was in my early 40s and homeschooling my four children. I could only hold out for 7 months and it wasn't even MY mother. Nor was she even a good mother to her own kids. We just felt it was the right thing to do. It caused me a great deal of stress. I had to have "the talk" with my husband AND her and tell them I was losing my ability to handle all the stress of everything. To this day, I regret not just putting her in a nursing home first thing. But we didn't know how bad off she really was.

Please, for the sake of your own sanity and your family's well-being, find a way to get him into an assisted living situation.

Natalie, please, make arrangements before the baby arrives. No guilt! You need a sense of calm for your and your baby’s sake. Best of luck to you!

(((((((hugs))))))) No judgement here. I could never have taken my mother into my house at any point.

You have too much to cope with - a young child and another on the way is in itself challenging.

There are great suggestions below. Discuss "the talk" with your lovely husband. Consult your dr for support in this decision. See a marriage counselor. and/ or a pastor if you need more support. Do some research into places suitable for your dads abilities, finances etc. so that you have some ideas for him. Assure him you are not abandoning him but making arrangements that will be better for all. Try to get this done before the new baby arrives, for, at that point, you need all your energy for your kids and hub and yourself. Good luck.

You are amazing!  Caring for a big house, a child, your husband and Dad and 8 1/2 months pregnant!  God bless you.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You realize this situation isn't working and you've made a decision to change it - follow through.  Find a good place for him and then talk with your Dad.  Better yet, you and your husband, sit down with him and tell him how much you love him, but this arrangement isn't working ……. 
Hugs and prayers.  💙

Please don't beat yourself up. You want a "normal" family life with your husband and children. This is normal. Your family comes first. Dad lived his life; he needs to let you live yours. You have every right to direct your energies to your young children and to your husband. This is time you will never get back. You deserve your health and contentment too!

Your dad needs to move to an RC or AL. He may find himself happier with the socialization he will get. Your relationship with him will improve too when you can enjoy just visiting with him and not being his caretaker.

Perfectly understandable. You need to take care of yourself and marriage and children. Your father should respect that.
Sometimes, when elderly parents are having a hard time, they forget that others have needs too.

Maybe look into independent or assisted living. While he probably doesn't want to be away from home, you need to do whats best. Take him on a tour of a place.
Hope it works out

Your post is most poignant and many are in your shoes, or have been.

No one is going to judge you for reaching the conclusion you have. Everyone has to navigate this through their own waters.

Peace to you.

P.s.

Op, you are STILL a good kid.

Natalie, if by any chance he will NOT make arrangements and leave, or let you do so, you will need some help. In our case it took over 2 years to get our LO to leave, because she wouldn't, couldn't (who knows why, she wasn't happy either; maybe just overwhelmed with the idea of moving again?). Finally there was a big blow up and she went to complain to her pastor - who advised her to move back to the complex she had lived in before coming to us - yeaah! Within a week it was all done - not by us, she was so mad she didn't let us help. The good news is that after several months of no contact, everyone settled down and we are friends; which wasn't always the case even before she lived with us! Hopefully it will go better for you, however you do it, but please do NOT let him stay on and on, making no effort to find a new home; the tensions just get worse and resentments pile up.

Its time for Dad to find whatever is considered an Assisted Living facility where u live. You can use the kids as an excuse like said. Which by the way it a good excuse. Your Dad sounds like my Dad and probably would have been that way at 86. He could have never lived with me. My husband and I are neat people. Everything in its place. My Dad had no respect for others possessions. Even his house there were burn marks in front of the couch were he smoked. So I see where you are going.

Both you and husband should sit down with Dad. (Have someone watch the baby)Tell him that with having a new baby you won't have the time to care for him. That you just can't take care of two children and him to. Maybe have a few places set up for a tour. Make him realize this is not a choice. He needs to pick a place. Maybe your husband can tell him privately that Dad taking up his daughters time is effecting his time with you. A man to man talk, sort of.

Don't feel guilty. You deserve a life with ur young family. Your energy and time should be going to your children.

Hi Natalie, welcome to the community! You will find a lot of good help and support here, some very good suggestions and guidance, but one thing I don't think you'll ever find is condemnation!

Having said that, I do hear a lot of anxiety in your post. It sounds as if somebody in your life is trying to inflict a lot of guilt and self-doubt on you, and you may be buying into it. Is your dad trying to make you feel as if you'd be a "terrible daughter" if you didn't let him live with you and care for him til the end of his days, regardless of the cost to you, your family, your mental or physical health?

If so, please remember what they tell you when flying with small children in an airplane: in the event of an emergency, if the cabin loses pressure and the oxygen masks drop down, put the oxygen mask on yourself first - THEN put one on your child. You have to take care of yourself FIRST, or you can't take care of anyone else.

In your situation, something has got to go - or you will. You will become unable to take care of your husband and children if you allow your dad to suck the life and energy out of you and your marriage. You need your husband, and your children need both of their parents. You cannot be the rock and the anchor for everybody, or everything will collapse.

Taking care of you means taking your life back. Other arrangements can be made for your Dad. Hmm. Why am I thinking of the play "Little Shop of Horrors?" Where the little plant grows into this all-consuming monster that says "feed me"? Don't let your dad be the monster that destroys your family. And don't feel guilty about doing what's right for yourself, your husband and your precious children. God bless and strengthen you.

OP - are you in the UK? (Im in Wales)

I struggle to put up with my Dad for an hour and my MIL for a few days. You must be a saint living with him I reckon!

Fair play to your husband too. I'd have left if my MIL moved in with us!

New baby is good excuse I reckon. Don't expect he'll agree with you. Never underestimate how selfish old people can be - I never thought I'd see it with my Dad but he doesnt give a monkeys.

As someone else said, got to look after yourself and your family first.

You are a freaking saint! Ready to pop and dealing with your 86-year-old father? I did the math, and your dad became a father very late. Fifty-three is a bit old for sleep deprivation, diaper-changing, and running around after a toddler. I suggest you expose him to as much crying, dirty diapers, and baby vomit as possible if the thought of those things isn't enough to send him running. You might also want to point out that a house with small children is not very safe for an older person. There will be toys on the floor and spills everywhere...for a few years. In other words, use your children to scare him off. And tell him your labor will be concentrated on the new baby, not him. Maybe ask him to help clean? That would scare me...

You wrote “he doesn’t want to leave our house. Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to?” I don't deny that the goal should be his independence in an AL or IL environment. But I’m worried that he may harbor resentment toward his newest grand baby for his move out. So I’m going to come at this from a little different angle. Stop doing everything for him. Make him a contributor to the house, and not just for his own stuff, for the benefit of the family. “Dad, I’m just so tired, could you please do the laundry (or run the cleaner, whatever) today?” “Dad, I don’t feel so good, could you straighten up the living room, I have to lay down”. Can you please load the dishwasher? Can you make us sandwiches for lunch, I have a headache? Could you put the groceries away? I have to go to the bathroom. Repeat. Repeat. Load him up. “Dad you’re work around the house is going to be very helpful for me when Baby comes along.” Of course, if your dad isn’t physically capable of any of this that’s different, but if he is, even if it isn’t done 100% perfect, it’s better than nothing, and maybe will make him feel more capable, and maybe give him some impetus to get out. Then he can complain to his new buddies at the AL, “geeze, I had to get out of that house! They were running me ragged.”
Its just a thought.

Natalie,

No one is going to hate you on this site. We can all relate and empathize with you. My mom lives with me and it is hard! Do what you have to do. Make your decision, whatever that is and be at peace with it.

If he can afford to move into an assisted living facility then he should. I'm sure he'll be hurt or annoyed but hopefully in time he will understand. He'll most likely adjust because he won't have a choice.

You have a family. Being pregnant is stressful! Having a new baby is joyful but stressful too. I get the concern about becoming overloaded. It can happen. Take care of yourself. I'm glad that you have a good hubby. I do too. Make your plans and let the rest fall into place. Let us know how things are going.

Dad is happy and content where he is; getting him out may be hard.

Oh gosh...sending love and understanding. I don't know if I have any answers except to say I so understand the stress and burnout and can't imagine what you must be going through being pregnant. It must create so much guilt to think of evicting your own father. Any chance you can add on a separate unit for him and with his funds, in addition to someone cleaning up this added space. Here in the US they often call it a "granny flat" or similar.
In a way you answered it yourself, because you DO need your space. How did it happen that he moved in, in the first place?
I have lived with my elder parents and I don't know how we do it. It's immensely frustrating but I am here for them as they are for me. So there is tolerance. I am single with no children beyond my canine daughter. But the kitchen habits (eating ice cream out of the container, cross contamination, not washing glasses, just rinsing and putting them in the drain...and making messes which I am the one cleaning up) can wear a person down. So can their noise which wakes me when I might be able to finally get some sleep...
You've got I would think, to make some boundaries if he continues to stay, even if a real wall is added. So hard. On the bright side...maybe he will be of help with childcare??

Have NO fear. You have Every right to demand for your dad to find other accommodations. Almost sounds like he has narcissistic personality.

Just keeping this short. Your dad needs to leave yours and into somewhere which is better suited for him, before you have a complete nervous breakdown and all your family will suffer. Don't know how you are coping at all. Kathleen

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It is the most difficult thing anyone can do for their loved one but it isn’t worth it at the expense of your sanity. It sounds like you have your plate full. Take a deep breath. Only you know what you can handle without going over the edge. I’ve been there. I wasn’t an expecting mother with children and I was barely able to hold on til the end. It took its toll on me and months later I’m still trying to find some normalcy with sleep, anxiety etc. Take care of yourself or it will destroy you. If that means finding a home for your dad I’m sure he would understand.
He may end up loving the interaction of people his age.
Just be kind to yourself and don’t feel like you have to at the expense of you🌹💗. It’s okay. Prayers and love to you. It’s not easy.

I have had my mum living with me for 13 years now and I'm almost 70. When others say to me I'm a good daughter and they don't know how I do it I respond by saying that up to the point where we moved her in with us, we had had a great life - children, holidays, good careers etc., and because of that we're happy to share our home and care for her. BUT you are a very young person, your life is just beginning, you have to experience being a mum and enjoy that time with your children - you can't continue to do everything for your father no matter how much you love him - he's being selfish and has expectations of you which are unreasonable. You have to get your marriage on a strong footing if it's to stand the test of time - so please, do some research and find your father a flat within easy reach so that he can enjoy seeing his grandchildren, and they can have a grandfather in their lives but not living with them and eventually becoming a burden. I am a bereavement counsellor and have some experience of people in their 40s who have lost a parent after having been pushed into a situation like yours - they can't grieve properly because underneath all the emotion is a deep resentment of the parent because they became a burden and essentially robbed them of their lives as young mums and dads. Please muster up the courage to tell your father that you are struggling and need your personal space. Your feelings are perfectly normal.

your children is a full time job, and eventually your dad will become a full-time job. The older they get the worse they become.
Look into assisted living (if he can still manage his own bowels and bladder, and feed himself) or nursing home (if he cannot manage his own bowels and bladder). You really need to live your own life especially with kids. Children will become a burden to you once they get older. Hopefully you have POA and estate planning done. If he is on Medicaid nursing home placement is easy. If not you will need to see an eldercare attorney--they have that five-year lookback law.

I live with my 89-year-old mom -- I love her more than anything but with end-stage Alzheimer's she is very very very hard work. I have frequent nightmares that she is going to die--I dream she is alive and well and turns into a skeleton in front of me. I sometimes take a nap and wake up screaming because I dreamed she died. Let's put it this way--if she dies I will not be able to function. She depends on me as much as I do her. That is what long-term caregiving does to a person. My life has become her constant attendant with every single need ranging from eating, toileting, bathing, etc. She is going to die and it could destroy me.

I completely understand your situation and am living it myself! I love my Dad with all my heart and fully support the concept of multi generational homes. That being said, shortly after he moved in, I felt like he had taken over my house. I’d wipe the kitchen down before leaving for work - it would be filthy when I returned home. Cookie crumbs everywhere; he started giving my dog his leftovers - now the dog is horrible anytime anyone eats! He wouldn’t shower or change his clothes or his sheets so the house started to smell. I won’t even discuss his bathroom!! There weren’t enough hours in a day to keep the mess at bay (I also work 50 hr job)! Shortly after, he was diagnosed with LBD which explained some of the behaviors but didn’t improve my home life at all!!! No matter the reason why, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted - angry, resentful, regretted letting him move in, etc. I adored this man my whole life and then suddenly, just hearing him come up the stairs set me off internally!! I felt like he had taken over and was ruining my life, my marriage and my home life!!!

because I struggled with the guilt of “dumping” my Dad into a NH (and had made a promise never to do so), the best solution we came up with was adding an “apt” (en suite) to our house which we set up like an apt minus a stove or oven. We also insisted he hire someone to come in 2-4 times a month to clean, take him on errands etc. Othwise, he’d have to move out. He agreed and since its completion, I can breathe again!! I’m not jumping in to do it all for him and I have my part of the house back!! I own my part in the chaos - overtired, stressed, short tempered - even though Dad unintentionally made it rough. If your LO can afford to do this, it might be the answer to a difficult problem? Even during the days I would vent and cry, my husband and son would remind me that someday i will look back and miss hearing him come up the stairs. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!!

I feel the same - in the UK. My mam is driving me nuts; with the little idiosyncrasies. She and me have to part; this year; asap.

Assisted living. Start looking and don't second guess yourself. And please don't feel a need to explain your actions. You've done the best you can, that's clear. Best.

First of all know that YOU and hubby are the ones with the power and in charge...not dad. So no use giving your power away to him. What you are wanting are boundaries...where he has his home and you have yours. Doing that will allow a better relationship between all concerned. It’s stressful enough being a mom with a new baby in the home without an elder who is demanding of you. Be up front and tell him you need him to move out and that you will help him find a suitable place. That your doctor said this is necessary for your health. As someone else said...he’s had his life now it’s time he let you have yours. You are too young a family for all this. Best to you and let us know what happens .