And certainly not looking forward to Xmas if this is any indication of what we have to look forward too. My mom (I’m an only) moved in with us a few years back after her last auto accident. At the time we thought it was a good idea but have come to see otherwise. Mom has no official diagnosis since we can’t get one from her Dr or anyone else for that matter but believe she has either dementia or Alzheimer’s from all the signs. I’ve been considering an ER dump but keep getting talked out of it because of the COVID which I totally get but things cannot keep going the way they are. I’ve been working from home but will lose my job since I can’t work and care for her all day. I have tried hiring in home health help but mom refuses and throws a fit and if they show up and I’m not available she refuses to let them in. I’m not sure who else we can contact but need to get her better care than I can give in an at home setting. Thanks for listening to the Vent

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Thanks Beatty that does make sense today was a not so bad day but I’m sure she will make up for it tomorrow. She slept most of the day in her chair until she went in to her bed. Sounds like a similar situation because when we bring the Dr up she either just ignores us or goes storming off to her room saying we are picking on her by making her do such a thing which makes absolutely no sense but I get there is no reasoning with her

Are the delusions new? Can you get a tele-health appointment to discuss?

If ANY abuse/violence with the delusions you could call EMS - then a psych review may happen.

If incoherent, driving her to ER or an urgent care would be a reasonable response too. Doesn't have to be a *ER dump*. Stay. Talk to the staff, tell them the details. Get on the Social Worker's books.

When my relative became delusional, at first the relatives she lives with tried their best to soothe & ignore. She wouldn't see a doctor & they didn't want to go against her wishes. Always wanted to keep her happy - avoid a scene.

But when the delusions were not going away, they made the decision that
professional help was needed. Their goal had changed.

Does that make sense?

Thanks all for the responses and helpful info. I hate the thought of doing an ER dump but feel it may be the last resort and today is a really BAD day luckily it's Sunday and I am not working. She's sleeping so much lately she actually seems delusional and I've gotten to the point where it is not worth arguing about the sleeping issues or anything else for that matter.

"..has no official diagnosis since we can’t get one from her Dr or anyone else for that matter.."

Get her to the Doc. Tell her you need help & advice & she will help you by coming along ... tell her you need new prescriptions... tell her it's a new yearly checkup. Anything to get her there. Hand over a prepared letter with bold letters & short bullet points:
* concerned about memory
* request neuro / memory test
* you work & are worried for your job & her safety if leaving her alone
* she refuses to let home help aides in

I'm sure you are aware of 'showtiming' that can fool some Docs in short appointment.

Be prepared to talk honestly in front of her. Keep your eye on the goal: To get action. Ensure the Doc knows you are serious. That you need to know what your options are. It may be Guardianship... but many people accept a referral to a Neurologist if their Doc says so. They even move into a respite home if their Doc says so. Worth a go before shelling out for a legal Guardianship imo.

Have her Dr refer her to a neurologist to get a diagnosis. the neurologist will be able to diagnose her and be able to determine when she is NH ready. Next, seek out your local AoAging agency. Let them know you need help and are going to need more help in caring for your mom. See what they can offer. They may have a certified social worker they work with. If you can't access a social worker there, you would want to contact State social services to see what help they can provide. Once the Dr determines mom is NH ready, start the process of applying for LTC Medicaid. With the Dr signing off on medical need, and LTC Medicaid approval, you have what is needed to place mom in a facility. Then you can start applying to different facilities in your area. These are the steps you take before it gets to the point of "ER dump". If mom has assets, enough to pay a NH privately for a few months, you are going to want to have DPOA in place and be able to access her funds, and you are going to need to convince her that a NH will be the best place for her. If all of that fails, contact state elderly services and let them know you are unable to continue. You can't afford it as your financial, mental, physical well being is at risk as well as your moms because you can't properly care for her. The last resort is ER dump, and it will eventually get to that if you don't take the steps now to get her placed in a facility (or be able to have in home help).

Good luck with your brother.

That must be hard to arrange for his care living so far away.

Find a neurologist who sees memory impaired/dementia patients or a geriatric medicine practitioner. A real diagnosis could get her all sorts of services; a geriatric social worker might be helpful with figuring out what to do but a diagnosis would very most likely be needed. My brother is only 64 but has big time memory problems. The crisis began just a month ago—I live 1500 miles away—but I’m getting him to a neurologist once I can see health insurance coming closer. Primary care doctors aren’t equipped to diagnose these problems. An elder care attorney could also help you look at financial and placement decisions too. At this point you may be looking at a guardianship. But get that diagnosis ASAP! You have to restore your own sanity. The Alzheimer’s Association has been enormously helpful. Good luck.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Caregiving isn’t easy even in the best of circumstances.

Throw cognitive decline into the picture and it must be a million times worse.

My mom has Parkinson’s disease but no dementia.

I had a hard enough time being a longtime caregiver without dementia. I can’t imagine how hard it is with it.

Have you spoken to a social worker to help you plan for future care for your mom?

Step back. Get a different perspective on things. It would be helpful to hear a professional objective opinion of the situation.

Allow the social worker to assess the situation and offer feedback.

Wishing you all the best. I hope you find a viable solution soon.

Please don’t push yourself past your limit. This is tough for you and your mom. Sometimes separation is exactly what is needed.

Don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty for needing to care for yourself.

You just need help in making a plan to move forward. All caregivers have questions that need to be answered.

You are smart to reach out. It does help to vent and work on resolving issues.

I am assuming/hoping that you are her POA. It is important that you set up a meeting with your Mom's doctor and insist that a neuro-psyc consult be ordered. Let the doctor know that it is crucial to get this staging information to know how to move forward medically and legally in all things pertaining to Mom. Tell the doctor that his unwillingness to make this consult is not at all acceptable, and you will be required to report any refusal to do so to the medical board if he insists on still not moving forward. You could also tell him that you would like your Mom now to see a Gerontology MD, so that correct referrals can be made.
BEFORE any of this workup be certain that any POA papers are done. Not necessary that Mom be perfect to do these, but that she can understand they are set in place now in case in future she is unable to make decisions for herself, so you can act for her according to her wishes.
Clearly you understand where you are, and where this is going. It is certainly also a fact that Covid-19 is here. Holidays, much we may love them, put a burden and onus on us that things "should be" better than they are, so try to relieve yourselves of burdens around this also.
Sorry things are so bad right now, but there is a way forward; you will have to stand strong in the fact of any MD opposition that denies the problem. Be quite honest as to say you have been desperate enough to consider the ER dump and not taking Mom back home simply so that you can get her diagnosed.
Good luck in future. I think for many it comes down to getting through the holidays.

You’ve reached your limit, quite understandably. It’s time to accept that this is no good for either your mother or you. A burned out caregiver that’s continually frustrated, add to that losing income, and at her wits end isn’t good for anyone, you or your mom. No judgement, just know it’s time for a new living arrangement for your mom and that’s okay, you’ll still be her caregiver with her in a new setting, just a rested and more sane, calm one. Please look into memory care if that’s what seems appropriate. No need to argue, if it’s dementia as you think she’s not able to understand any longer. I wish you both peace

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