Just need support from some friendly voices...

Started by

Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.


Maybe he should read the story of Rick "Old Man" Harrison, who passed away Monday.
Maybe he should read the story of Rick "Old Man" Harrison, who passed away Monday.
I am here because of my mother but I can relate to some of your issues. My husband survived being hit by a motorcycle as a pedestrian in 2005. Although he is very lucky to have not had more than a leg hematoma and head scar he can never let it go and feels this ruined his life to a degree. Has all sorts of aches and pains but so do I. He has been told he may need a pacemaker if tests dont improve at next testing. Now we meaning his family are all stressing him out. His negativity stresses me. My grandchildren are visiting from other states and I cant stand that I am not enjoying them fully because of his concerns and my mothers. I know I have it much more easily than others here but I am prone to obsessing and I am doing that too much. Working on positive thinking but it does not come naturally especially when living with a pessimist. My mother neglected herself for decades and now I am running around to help her but I just feel frustration and mentally worn out. I hope there are better days ahead for you.
Sounds like you are doing your absolute best. I hope he develops the ability to cooperate. It must be hard when he blames you!

So sorry to hear of you hubby’s heart attack. How terrifying for you.

I hope you’ve been able to get some rest.
I'm sorry to hear your dH has had another health scare, but glad he seems to have dodged the bullet again. You already know you are more invested in his well being than he is, unfortunately you can't make him care about improving his health status as much as you do.

"he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times."

If I am remembering right isn't this just par for the course in your relationship? I think the fact that he worked away and you only had to put up with him in small doses was probably the only thing that has made your life bearable. You already know how to give yourself "me time" so just return to your routines as much as possible, bring in outside caregivers if you have to - don't let him drag you into the pit with him.
How do you find that mans story?
You are so right to protect your feelings from anything even mildly unkind.
You almost lost your hubs and now all this.
You can cry all you want, it is time for that.

My heart is wrenching for you, fighting back tears on your behalf.

Hugs, just hugs right now, sent to you through the cloud.
A wise woman once told me that anger is the outward sign of fear on the inside. Perhaps he is expressing his fear of dying, etc by demonstrating his anger. Can you find time for a caregiver's support group or therapy for yourself to get some ideas on how to handle him? Not sure what else to say, I know this is VERY difficult.
Riverdale Google search his name, Rick Harrison. Maybe if the hubby reads what he did in his life, it may give him incentive to appreciate his.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support