Just need support from some friendly voices...

Follow
Share

Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.

Find Care & Housing
147

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
Take Care Midkid! I hope your foot surgery and recovery are swift and you have little to no pain, if that is possible! Hang in there!
(1)
Report

Praying for speedy healing and recovery from the surgery. It's good you'll be able to spend time with your daughters afterward and have a little break from the stress with him being out of town. You do need YOU time to just rest and relax. Hugs, take care of yourself!
(2)
Report

Good luck on your surgery!. Ill be thinking of you. I just read the entire post and boy am i proud of you for putting up with everything you do day after day. If it was me i would stay in bed and see if he does the same for you. I hope he will. Take care of yourself. Be safe.
(0)
Report

I thought I had "shut this down" as an active post a while ago--but I don't see that I did.

I want to thank each and every one of you who wrote or just sent good vibes.

DH is doing a Slooooooooooooooow recovery. 4 steps forward, 3 back. I have given up on a "quick" or even "normal" length rehab.

He is back to work and even travels some. When he is home, he is in bed. That is never going to change. The energy and anger it takes to get him to stand up and move is not worth the crabby man who gets up.

He no longer gets ANY meals in bed. So he's had a LOT of cold meals. His problem,

The antidepressants seems to be helping, hard to tell, He still complains constantly about how bad he feels.

My DIL called a couple weeks ago and told me she felt terrible that she had actually spent 2 days with him, looking at his swollen ankles, seeing his gray colored skin and hearing him complain about how bad he felt---and she could have dxed the impending heart attacks in 2 minutes and forced him to get to a hospital. I assured her I held no bad feelings about her not doing anything, it is his own fault he is so ornery, nobody really listens to him. That call helped me feel a little less "angry" with her, as she does not do "doctor" when she's on vacay. Not at all. He's her FIL and I doubt she really gives him two seconds of thought in a week.

He's back to FT work, super stressed about his job, which is the norm. Has been going to cardiac rehab when he's in town but simply refuses to do anything at home. I guess he is choosing to have a slow heal and feel tired forever.

He has been nicer to me, which I'll take. Forgot our anniversary, actually took my daughter's kids to dinner on our anniversary b/c he had forgotten it, but that's OK, it wasn't a year I want to remember or "mark". I'm still on guard all the time for the snarky put downs, and they still come, at times. Anyone asks how I am doing and he reminds them that this didn't happen to ME, so, well, it is what it is.

I am heading in for some minor foot surgery tomorrow and he is stuck out of town. Don't know if he'll make it home to take me....again, that's normal. I am having anxiety through the roof, I hate IV's, being laid up, being in pain....but I broke a toe pretty badly and it needs to be repaired (broke it 4 months ago, just didn't have time to deal with it). He's got to leave town at 3:30 tomorrow,so I am praying for an early surgery time. It will be fine, once it's over and my daughters are coming by to check on me, which prefer to him being home and sleeping 24/7 while I try to wake him up to get things for me.

He's slowly coming off the meds, one HBP med is gone, hopefully a beta blocker and a blood thinner will be next. He's still terribly fatigued all the time and can't sit up for very long.....but mostly I ignore that. He saves his dramatic actions for me benefit.

Had lunch with a friend the other day and she asked me if my anxiety and fear ever go away after something like this--and I had to admit that so far, it has not abated much. This is something that time will either heal or it won't.

Neither of our families have been very helpful nor supportive and that has been hurtful to both of us. But, well, what can you do?

Again--thanks for all the support. I was spinning out of control, emotionally and was worried I'd wind up in the hospital.

Wish me luck on the foot surgery and that a slightly healthier man shows up this afternoon from his trip. It HAS been nice to have him back to some traveling. I need MY alone time.

BTW, he's lost over 50 lbs. And dang it, I have GAINED 10. How unfair :)
(7)
Report

Wow!!! I love you and God loves you more. Hugs and kisses. 😘😘😘😘😘😘
(3)
Report

Dorker--

Your "drivel" makes for an interesting diversion--and my heart aches for you. Yes, I have bee going through it, for sure, but DH has not been "well" or "engaged" in our lives for 12+ years and so this is just another hiccup in the path. I have pretty much given up that he will wake up and figure out why he's still here and what he's going to do.

So hard to live with someone who is really depressed and angry all the time.

And your MIL is pretty reminiscent of mine, albeit, ramped up a few notches. Mine doesn't even speak to me, or acknowledge my presence anymore. I'd take my situation with her over yours any day.

And, wow, girl, did you show how tough you've gotten--this past weekend left me speechless.
(4)
Report

Midkid I'm so sorry that you're having to endure all this. And to think you are so very responsive to my drivel ... all while weathering all this crap. I am terribly sorry.

FWIW .............. I happen to applaud your approach. We are all only given one life to live, and we can .. any of us .. choose how to do so. He obviously wants to wallow in self pity .. and woe with me. His choice. I'm sure you are more aware than you ever thought you'd have to be. That can .. and will ........... pull you right down with him... if you let it.

Kudos to you for not letting it, and I know how tough it must be, to go on and live your life .. and let him just falter or not.

My prayers to you ..
(4)
Report

Good news, Mid!
(0)
Report

Midkid...so great that he got the all clear to go back to normal activities. I hope he realizes that he has been given a second lease on life and starts getting back to being active. I know how frustrating it can be for you as well. I go through this with my honey who does not want me saying anything to anyone as to his condition, rehab or our current situation and is not compliant on his exercise more times than not. Ugh.... Needless to say I don't listen either and clue his doctors in anyway when warranted.

No matter your decision...follow your heart and instincts, keep the boundaries and hang in there.
(2)
Report

Quick update for anyone who has stuck it out this far...
We (and I mean WE) went to the cardiac doc yesterday for a follow up. MOST of the questions were directed at ME, even tho DH asked me not to talk. The doc talk to ME b/c he knew he'd get the truth.

DH did make it in to work each day, barely. And as per my sad prognostication, he hasn't gotten out of bed today, and doesn't plan to and doesn't plan to tomorrow either.

He swore up down and sidewise to the dr he'd been active. But drs aren't stupid and knew by looking at this very pale man he hasn't seen the sun in weeks.

Gave him "the all clear" to go back to "normal life" no restrictions, and in fariness, sleeping all weekend IS normal. We had planned to walk along the river bottoms this am before it got too hot and he wouldn't get up, so I took off on my own and spent most of the day running errands and just NOT being home. Got home at 3:30, asked if he'd eaten and he said "I ate a few blueberries". My gosh. I asked him how leftover meatloaf sounded and he said "That'd be great!" to which I replied. It's in the fridge. Enjoy." He has NO RIGHT to expect me to cook and fuss 24/7, but boy, he lefts me know when I "fail".

He's off 3 of the meds he's been on, but most of the ones that make him a little fatigued are still on board. I KNOW it's hard to get up, but he's not even trying. I did not say anything to the doc about the w/e and the sleeping, thought we'd see how the w/e went before I ratted him out. He has promised me he will walk between 1-2 miles tonight, and I have to leave in a minute and I already know he won't do it. If he refuses to get up tomorrow too, I will be calling the dr on Monday.

Yes, he's depressed. Yes, he's anxious. He's not unusual in ANY of the side effects he's still having. The dr did tell him he SHOULD have died and that there was really no reason "why" he didn't die from the 1st attack. Said "You have something to do in this life, buddy, find out what it is."

I have be adamant that I will NOT STAY in a marriage that is all me working to make it work. If he won't get up and get moving and be compliant in ALL the areas---I am walking. My kids all know this, some are unhappy with me, but they haven't lived for 42 years with this. AND this isn't about them.

If I hear him say "But I am so very, very sick and weak" one more time from him I may hit him with something. Doc checked him out, said he was FINE and to get back to living, not back to bed.

I did tell the doc he complains almost constantly about the fatigue and wants to sleep all day and he looked at DH and said "I know you feel tired now, but you HAVE to get up and get moving. Every single day, no excuses". I don't know why that was so hard to understand.

His choice.
(4)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
Related
Questions