I was asked to move in to keep my grandma company because she was lonely and it was to help take her to her appointments because my mom was doing a lot. I have a nice place I did not want to give up and worked hard for. I said I would help with the appointments just schedule them on my set day off. It was clear to everyone I was not going to move in. People would start rumors still to get me to move in or cousins complaining about favoritism at the fact I was going to move in even though I said I wasn't. She was able to live by herself. She just needed the continued help in grandchildren and other friends and family visit and work on the harder stuff for her. She was mainly independent. Then she had a stroke and was in the hospital for over a month and she is unable to live on her own again. The talk about me moving in was in the works again even though I was even more nervous to me in not knowing what to do and watching three nursing aids in the hospital struggle with her. I was promised that I was not the caregiver just to keep her company and it's not solely on me. That someone would stay to relieve me and they would hire a caregiver especially since I work full time with only one day off. I have a hard time saying no and standing up for myself.
After a month of caring, family stopped helping. They refused to hire a caregiver and I was expected to do it. I was lucky to get an hour straight of sleep because she would keep me up all night on purpose by drinking more liquids, having family give her laxatives, stopped taking her pee control medication. Her personality changed and she became abusive towards me and treated me like a slave. She would twist the stories with family to rile them up and complains I do do enough instead of scolding them for not helping and then they would turn around and tell me I need to do more. There is this family friend who always runs her fingers checks for dust and whispers in my grandma ears to find more things for me to do but she never asked my cousins to help. After three months, I got tired of the abuse and start to stand up for myself.I asked them to help prepare her lunch when I was at work and then they say I can do it on my lunch break and do it. I told them that my lunch break is the only real time I get to myself and I already do enough and they start yelling at me saying that I don't do enough. She would ask me to do something and turn around and complain to family for me doing what I was asked. I was all of a sudden treated by her and family like someone who lived there rent free even though I was paying her Bill's. They thought they were doing me a favor because my Bill's has decreased and I owed them. They fired the lawn guy and expected me to do it even though I was so tired caring for her. She kept me busy with the constant restroom and asking me to grab her this and that. She even made accusations of abuse. I caught her faking a lot of her weakness and saw she can actually do more and told her be more independent or i will leave. She became more independent for a few months and made herself fall on purpose a few months later and my family was volunteering me to push her to the restroom and hold her up while she was pooping. She was making accusations that I pushed her down when she made herself fall. After four weeks of being an prisoner from even walking outside, I packed my bags and left. They hired a caregiver and lawn person and would rotate the help between four people. My cousin who stayed only once a week was praised by the family friend who gave me a hard time. The house is dirty even though there are four people helping but it's okay because they said they are doing a lot for grandma but it hurts they don't see it that way when I was doing it all by myself or would not see that grandma was a difficult person when she complained about me. They told me I put them through hell by leaving and then they go back to saying they know why I left.
How long has it been since you got out of there?
They didn't start looking for a caregiver until I left despite months of promising saying it's hard. They had abwholenline of people to interview in a week of me leaving
You are well rid of this "family", my dear.
F***ers! Don't look back. May you find peace of mind and fulfilment in future. You've still got your job, yes?
Don't worry about the praise given to the cousin after one week - sounds like they learned something from you leaving. Demonstrating appreciation for hard work matters and this is what you deserved. Caregivers always seem to get unfair criticism until someone experiences the situation.
Times are hard right now and you deserve a fighting chance for your future. Let your mother and siblings take care of your grandmother. Unless there is a caregiver contract that spells out the work of six people and fair pay, don't feel obligated to forgive. I hope you move forward.
To answer your question about the family friend, she was like the cool aunt and was so nice. I don't understand the change but she was always so critical on me when I was caring for my grandma it was unbearable. It was bullying. She would whisper in my grandma ear that this should be done and put ideas in her head what I should be doing or doing more. She even got the handyman fired by making my grandma feel he needed to redo work that she was happy with. She would never ask my siblings or cousins to help she would always call me out on the garden after I spend hours on in the heat saying I should do more or here is my next task with the garden but I was so exhausted. She convinced my grandma that I didn't do enough and humiliate me in front of family. One day I grabbed the tools and handed it to her and told her if she sees a flaw she can do it herself or shut up. Now that they are Sharing caregiver duties between four people in addition to hiring a caregiver she feels like they are too tired and already do enough that they should not have to be bothered by it. She wanted to tell me I needed to help out more.
My grandma would always twist the stories to make me look bad so that was the main reason for them always attacking me. She has told them that when she ask me to do something that i would say i would do it later and she says she will have to get up and do it because she wants it done right away and she will fall. She doesn't mention that she has asked me to do so much already and I came home from work and am exhausted or the fact the task was heavy lifting and need an extra hand to help, or inwant to wait until she goes to bed because she needs to move. She even accused me of refusing her to take medication to help her poop to a health professional but what she forgot to mention that she does poop regularly and she isn't constipated and she just had explosive diarrhea before the visit. What I would recommend is her to not take five laxatives just because she is not seeing results in five minutes because it will cause her discomfort not should she take five anti diarrhea medication just because she has diarrhea because it will make her constipated. I told her that one or two to start out with. The lady took that accusation seriously and I could have been in serious trouble and my family said I should not worry about it and brush it off. She says something to my family and they come and attack me about it and when I defend myself they said they don't want drama and it's okay they know how grandma is and that grandma just wants to vent and be heard. I told them that's fine but they don't need to react and I don't want to hear about it. I confront her after a while of it happening and they said that they are making up stories and are jealous because they feel like I need to do more since I am loving rent free and my bills are lower due to her moving in. I caught her lies and she did know I was standing right there when she told them it was my fault she was falling because I was not doing enough.
I lost my job and homeless due to caregiving and my family has hurt me so bad it's hard to heal and I can not afford a counselor. I didn't realize how token advantage I was until I left by mom siblings and grandma. My family won't talk about it because they think I should let it go. When I tried talking to my mom she just laughed in my face and that broke my heart even more because the whole time I felt like my mom had my back when this whole time she was like the others. She got to go on her trips while I had to cancel mine or cut it short
I went through such hell for 13 months before my mom passed. My mom was sweet, but my three sisters made my life a nightmare. After Mom's house sold and I moved back home (in another state, no less), I went no-contact. There's NO reason for me to ever speak with them. They were that cruel. Their actions are unforgivable. I can't forget what they did, but I try not to think about them or their abuse. It's been almost two years since my sister, the executor, sent my inheritance--about $6,000 short.
Be good to you. You deserve it because you matter.
What you can tell your relatives is they made promises that they did not keep. That with working fulltime there is no way they should have expected you to do everything. And, you should not have been paying Grands bills. They had a free Caregiver. You have set your first Boundary. Learn how to set others. Members have suggested a book called "Boundries" by Cloud and Townsend.
You are not the first grandchild who has posted on this forum family has expected them to care for a grandparent. Where are your grandma's children? Why are they not supplying her care? Please, don't ever feel guilty, you were taken advantage of.
I would check with the Labor board about ur employer letting you go. My grandson was allowed a month off because he is vulnerable to the virus and associates were coming down with it. If that was the case were you worked, trying to protect Grandma may have been a good excuse. But it would not have been indefinite and family would have had to find someone to watch Gma when uvwent back to work. If you are found in the right asking for more time, you maybe able to get unemployment with no problem.
I would say by expecting you to do everything, ur family was saving their inheritance. Is this a cultural thing? Just seems odd that one person was expected to do it all. I could see having someone there at night but expecting you to cook, clean and keep up the yard was a little much. Why you and not your other cousins too.
My heart was sinking until I got to "I packed my bags and left" and I admit I was very surprised as well as delighted to read it. You should bear in mind that 99.9999% of people of the sort who are good-hearted enough to be bullied into the position where you found yourself - promised the earth, dumped neck-deep in the doodah and left to cope alone - never get out of it.
The praise they lavish on the cousin, the resentment at your leaving, the grudging acknowledgement of why you left, the chaotic relay and the probably pretty poor fist they're now making of the care job: these all speak to me of a bunch of averagely useless people who wanted to lean on you because you are the one who makes a success of whatever she does. They're not evil, they're not especially manipulative, they just wanted you to make their lives easy.
Instead of minding that you fell for it, be proud that you did your best and then you knew where to draw the line.
I hope you got your money back from paying her bills. Did you keep the receipts?
By the way, I think "family friend" isn't what I'd call her. Had you crossed swords with this pest before?
They took shameless advantage of you; I'm so glad that you got out. I think you dodged a bullet and learned a lesson about your family; they are users.
I would have very little to do with these folks; I would put ALL of my energy into building a life outside of family contacts.
You CAN move on without "forgiving" anyone. You can chalk it up to "lesson learned" and leave it at that.
First, we all go through challenges that reveal the importance of building an emergency fund. This is an area we should not compromise. We do this by reducing our level of consumption and building a sound financial reserve.
Second, the sucess of a caregiver is always depended on the Initial agreement of care: There should always be a clear expectations on responsibility and limitations that MUST include a sound period of rest for the caregiver.
Third,
Unless family members have previously cared for the patient, it is very common for them to underestimate the responsibility, stress and workload. ( hoping God gives you the strength to forgive) In general, whether or not, you ever care for anyone else. Keep in mind, any responsibility you undertake must always have a support system in place and be limited to the wellbeing of your mental/physical and emotional health and if it is not, it perfectfly fine surrender you role.
By walking away, you won, and they lost. They could no longer manipulate you and use you, I bet they are now stewing in their own anger and frustration of not being able to make you do what they want. That's your revenge.
Also, when you go back to work, get your own place, and be happy with your new life again, that too is your revenge.
Leave them to take care of the dirty work they tried to foist on you. That's your revenge.
I hope you feel better.
Move on with your life and know that you did the best you could with your grandma and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
This is not a time for argument. This is about boundaries. You need now to get on with your own life. I advise you learn the lesson in this and never agree to it again.
The next of kin will be notified, whoever the EMS has listed, and Social Services will work with that person toward placement of your grandmother.