Hard to accept what's happening to Mom, guilt issues...

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My mom was very active person until 90 years old when she got into ER with aspiration pneumonia, being on intubation 3 days and then her dementia worsened. She does not remember she was living in my house 15 years, she does not remember what happen to her, she lost her desires to live. She is in rehab now and on feeding tube and if her ability to swallow will not be back, I can't take her home and she'll go to a rehab facility. I feel guilty and helpless, my brother is far away and does not want even to come to see mom, my family is supportive but my husband thinks that she took 15 years of his life with me as she was a very demanding person all her life, so he also does not want to visit her, so it's all on me. I am feeling as I am slowly dying too, seeing her life miserable and coming every day to rehab for nothing, I can't help, I am just crying….I read all similar posts and I know the advices will be, stop coming so often, live your life for you and your family. It's easy to say and hard to do.

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It IS easy to say and hard to do.  But guilt?  For what? You can't control your mom's illness, can you? Important to get a healthy perspective on what reasonable guilt is, not the emotional feelings, but the reasonable facts. Your brother's relationship is his business, your husband's relationship is his, you can't control them and why should you? Sounds like your mom made a lot of selfish decisions along the way and the consequences have come home to roost.  No one of us can "make" another's happiness - you do not "owe" this to your mom. But you did make marriage vows to your husband and it sounds like he has been very patient and understanding. I'd suggest supporting him now.
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She1934, I wish you live close to me and we can chat sometime, thanks to your words (I am in NJ by the way). Yes, all like you are saying and like many of people who answer my post. Thanks for warm hugs and warm words....
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I'd just love to have someone come and let me take a nice long nap.
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You stated "her stubbornness not to eat solid food because of her esophagus that actually lead to aspiration pneumonia." Honey, she probably can't swallow anymore not that she won't. I doubt her not eating solid food was done deliberately. It sounds like she is getting to the end of her life.

I recommend you get some counseling, to help you through this time.

Also, remember that when you married your husband most ceremonies say, "Forsaking all others", and the bible says "A man will leave his father and mother and the two will become one flesh". Your husband has a right to a have a healthy loving wife. Not that you have to abandon your mother, counseling may help you strike a balance in your life that seems to be lacking.
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She1934: maybe next visit, daughter can board the dogs, bring lunch and come and visit with dad while you spend three hours getting a spa treatment.
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Dear Poetry21: and by the way, I love your screen name. I hope that means that you do write, have written, or just love poetry like myself. Your post touched so much in me, though I am a 24/7 caregiver for my husband. It saddens me that your husband feels that your mother stole 15 years of HIS life. But I beg you not to feel guilty about family members not visiting your mom, nor should you feel guilty if you give yourself a break by visiting only enough to check on her care and to give her a hug now and then. She honestly will not remember how often or how long your visits are and it is clear that you have done what you can. I totally agree with you about the whole "live your life" advice. I cannot find time for anything but caring for him and taking to to Dr. Appointments while needing to cancel my own. I have received two grants for respite care, but at an average rate of $24-37 per hour, this grant money, which is a one time only grant, even from the Alzheimer's Assoc., will be up in Sept. ( you have to use it all in 6 months.) when his daughter does come-2x a month for three hours complete with two Australian shepherspds, I fix a nice lunch, then dog sit while she takes dad out for an hour, or sits and visits with him then tells me hoe good he looks and how alert he is. This is a journey that is, no matter what, and at the very least, sad, and at the worst it saps your very life. Some will say not to be so negative because you will mourn when they are gone. But I have been in mourning for three years and I know that the worst is yet to come. But people here do support you and encourage you emotionally, though we cannot help,you physically. Your husband, though he may be loving, is being very selfish in putting this all on you. Be brave, be hopeful, keep a journal and post here always. I send you warm hugs!🌻🌻🌻🐻🐻🐻
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Unfortunately, there is another layer to this issue. I have found that if I do stay away for a day or two I often find problems with my mother's care at the facility when I return. Some have been serious. So when I am trying to take time for myself, I am also worrying that she's not getting good care.
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Unfortunately, there is another layer to this issue. I have found that if I do stay away for a day or two I often find problems with my mother's care at the facility when I return. Some have been serious. So when I am trying to take time for myself, I am also worrying that she's not getting good care.
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Guilt is a strange thing. My mom wasn't close to my sister and me. We saw and heard from her when it was convenient for her. She was always too busy to visit us but traveled for pleasure extensively, visiting and going on trips with old and new friends. She ignored her grandchildren as well. She was a pillar of the community and people often told me how lucky I was to have her as a mother. If they only knew. She even lied to me one time and changed her plans for a family Thanksgiving, telling me she didn't feel right taking off work and would stay and let some one else take off instead. I found out she traveled to see her siblings instead. Our relationship never recovered from the lie. She later admitted that she just didn't want to see my sister and knew I wouldn't care. She now has dementia and is in a full time nursing facility. That sister is an angel to her. Yet we feel guilt.
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First, I know what you mean by not being able to watch Mom like this and yes I have felt guilty for decisions I have made regarding Mom but they were in her best interest. You have to look at this a different way. That your Mom lived a long active life. As my RN daughter says, they live beyond their expiration date. I suggest you get Hospice involved. They will keep Mom comfortable. Please, don't feel guilty. Enjoy the time you have with Mom its time to let her go. I think what helped me was we gave Mom a great send off. I was lucky that a family friend was a Minister and knew our family well, maybe too well. He spoke at her funeral. We laughed and we cried over his words. We did the same at her luncheon. My Dads funeral was like this and so were a few others I have been to. Its so much better to celebrate, I think it helps the grieving process. You have done all you can for Mom. Your husband must love you a lot to have Mom living with u 15 yrs and still be there. Let things take their course and then get on with your life.
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