Going no contact when elderly parent is abusive.
Hello all,
I posted on this site some time ago before the pandemic and then I had to take a break. I became caretaker for my dad for a brief time until the situation changed and I had to move out.
Summer of 2022, my dad was diagnosed with end stage colon cancer and advised to go on hospice, which he did. I became his caretaker and against all good advice, I moved my family into my parent's home to care for him so he could die at home (his final wish). My mom was never really for this from the start; she fought me from day 1. Right away, we started clashing about little things. She made it quite difficult for me to do my job as caretaker.
Meanwhile, Mommy Dearest also got chummy with her nasty neighbor regularly on how my family will "regret the day they moved into MY home" (I have this on Ring video). For my dad's sake, I bit my tongue. I dealt with her silently. She's crazy, he would say, just ignore her.
I'd offer to get her anything, and she'd refuse my offers. As soon as I would leave the room, she'd be complaining to my dad that I didn't ask her if she needed anything. WTF. What made me so mad, was that he always defended her. To the end, he defended her.
The day he died, I had 2 whole hours alone with him peacefully listening to music before "mother" showed up with one of her flying monkeys. At least I got that much. Anyhow, I had to set boundaries after a lifetime of abuse. I should have done this decades ago. So I suppose this isn't so much a question, as more of a statement. For people in similar situations like me, (there seem to be a lot) get help, don't wait.
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I think he was conditioned to a lifetime of putting up with her/keeping her happy at whatever the cost. It's all he knew, and sady, now my brother is doing it.
When my dad dropped out of hospice, he started chemo. From there, he only lasted about 3 months. He continued to care for my mom. My parents sold their house and moved into a motel. Yes, you read that right, a motel. They lived there breifly while my dad was getting his chemo treaments.
My dad eneded up going in the hospital for the final time in feb this year, only to be released back into hospice. He had to go into a nursing home. My mom stayed in the motel. She refused to join him, even when he was actually dying.
It made me sick to my stomach. She would expect people to pick her up daily, take her to him for a visit, then returm her to her motel and then take care of her there. I refused. There's so much more to this, I had to vent. I'm still grieving my dad, and I'm still mad at her. Ugh.
But long story short, she has been placed in a nursing home since a month after my dad passed away and she's been trying every single day to get out. She hasn't called me once though, and I won't call her, she's dead to me.
Thank you all for letting me vent.
I so hope u do plan on caring for Mom. Abused people should never care for their abusers. If she is 24/7 care, she needs to be placed.