Despite the extreme abuse and being written out of her will, I was feeling I should say goodbye in case something should happen. My mother is 93 with no health issues, I'm much younger with many health and personal issues.
I first wrote a cousin to see if she would inform me if something happened to my mother as I didn't trust my sister (my mother's golden child) would contact me. My a-hole cousin ghosted me.
So I called to see if my mother was alive. She was and fine but immediately started in on me about my "ranting and raving" (aka, expressing my feelings in response to severe abuse - she wants me to be the silent doormat I was for 60+ years).
So I guess being the bigger person and saying a loving goodbye is impossible. I'm exhausted and sick from it all.
Any tips? Thanks. (People who can't understand - lucky you - please refrain from telling me what to do because my mother never wanted me and nothing I do will ever change that).
I would even recommend trying to find it in your heart to forgive her, so that you can have true peace. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that we forget the things they did to us, but it does allow us to have the peace that we need to move forward. Forgiveness is more for us than it is for the one being forgiven.
I grew up in a house where my father sexually abused me(and my siblings)for over 11 years and my mother knew about it and chose to do nothing to protect her children.
As an adult I chose to not have anything to do with either of them. Over time because I am a Christian, I was able to forgive them both, yet I still chose to keep them out of my life for my own mental health's sake.
They are both dead now and I have absolutely no regrets, as I made my peace with both of them by forgiving them long ago.
So you do whatever is best for you now. If that is staying away, then stay away. If it's finding it in your heart to forgive her and move on, then forgive her and move on.
I'm wishing you peace in your heart moving forward. And please know that even if your mother never wanted you, God did, as He doesn't make mistakes.
My God bless you and keep you.
Subsequently, I haven't seen my mother since 2015. She is extremely manipulative, and I don't deserve her treatment. No more!!!
On my 50th birthday she told me when she got pregnant with me (5 years after she had my brother..I am the youngest of 5 kids) that she didn't want me. After she gave bithr to me she passed me off to my older sister to be cared for or my dad. She said she was afraid she would hurt me. She also told me she'd leave me in my play pen for hours at a time unattended.
She also told me nasty things about my dad. That he was the neighborhood voyeur. This was completely bogus info about my dad. I was close to my dad. He loved me. She didn't want me! Moving forward, its been tough. Thank God, for my therapist and learning to move forward.
I learned the hard way:
I no longer share personal info with her. She takes my personal and creates her own narrative. She is a sick individual and has no filter. All the boxes are checked with my narc mother and the abuse she throws out.
At 55 it still hurts to want a real mom. But my 84 year old sharp as nails narc mother is not going to change. Never..ever..
I hope this helps you. Your not alone. Your doing what's right for you. Enjoy life now and let her go.
Long ago I gave up the wish and the thought that I "should have" had a normal mother. I didn't. She wasn't what I wanted in a mother and I wasn't what she wanted in a daughter. Once I admitted that, I was able to step back a bit more and allow myself to not get so tangled up with her histrionics and nonsense. I took care of ME too, which I suggest you do for yourself. Bc you wont change her or suddenly turn her into Mom Of the Year, no matter what 😑
Here is a link to a great article that may help you:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Best of luck.
You have a 4/5 chance to guess the proper finger to show them on the way to letting them get what is deserved.... care to make a guess which ;) ?
You're doing the right thing! Keep it up :*
I had a diagnosed narcissist for a mother.
My siblings and I all had different relationships with her.
Have you talked to a therapist to help you decide if you want to be in communication with your mother ?
You are NOT obligated to have a relationship with an abuser. If saying good bye was to be helpful for you ok .
But if you were saying good bye only to fulfill some presumed obligation , not necessary .
If you do choose to communicate , make it quick phone calls and get off the phone with an excuse if the call is not going well . Something to the effect that you have to go you have an appointment .
Or say that you are going to hang up now and call another time when hopefully she’s not upset.
Pointing out the wrongs a narcissist has done to you will only make her attack you more .
At any point you can stop all phone calls .
Only you can decide what you want to do . Your health and well being matter . You don’t have to call or see her and be abused . You may decide that you would be better off not communicating with mother and that’s OK.
You have, I suspect, long known Mom's limitations. Don't allow them to make you ill anymore. Just accept that she is who she is and you are who you are, and if you both get another go at all this you will try to do better.
I am truly sorry for your pain. Practice just letting it go. I am not much of a believer, but I DO believe in the serenity prayer, and its wisdom has helped me over and over again. Know that I wish you the best.