I am not asking a ? But telling everyone that will listen, get affairs in order because even the most caring parent gets ugly when the time comes for nursing home care. Power of attorney and selling property should be done well in advance.

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I hear you 100% My father recently passed. As I had been speaking with him the last couple years making sure things were in order. He assured me they were, UNTIL the last 6 months.
We are suspecting a nurse aide financially exploited him. We found several withdrawals in the last 4 months of his life and the other nurse aide told our family that the particular nurse aide often boasted of "gifts" my father gave her.
My father had told me he listed my aunt as beneficiary on his bank accounts. Come to find out, he had removed her 6 months prior and left no one as a beneficiary, so now we have to go to probate.

I am learning a lesson the hard way, but I am currently making better final plans for myself, mother and brother.


So sorry, my mistake. I misunderstood. My mom was extremely frugal, like my grandmother.

Mom had a hard time letting go of money. I wish that she would have spent more on herself.

It always puzzles me to think about how she freely she gave money to my brothers. I think she felt that she was helping them. It actually did the opposite. It kept them from maturing.

I believe in helping others to get over a bump in the road but this was not that. It was them taking advantage of her.

Ah, NHWM, I'm sorry I didn't put things better - my mom was a careful saver, but she didn't have the money issues that many of her peers who went through the depression had. She was a generous soul; she lived well, but not frivolously, if you know what I mean; she wasn't afraid to spend money on things she needed, and if we were in a tight pinch with things, she lent money to us without hesitation.

I think I was trying to say that she used the excuse of having to self-pay as her own justification for not pursuing the idea that she might have come to the point where she would need more help than we could safely give her at home.

It's just something else to keep in mind when you make decisions about caregiving, that the best laid plans don't always work out the way you expect them to.


Planning is always good. Ask specific questions if they don’t tell you.

Sometimes our parents surprise us. My mom never wanted to be cremated. No one before her was cremated. My grandparents and father are in the family plot.

My brother wanted to be cremated. I followed his wishes and made the arrangements for him.

My mom saw how much cheaper it was and said that she wanted to be cremated. I would have never guessed that in a million years.

So, I wholeheartedly agree with you about having necessary discussions beforehand.

It takes the stress and pressure off of everyone.

There are many things to discuss and it’s best to talk about these things before they are needed.


Your mom sounds like my mom. She handled the finances, not my dad and let me tell you, she could account for every penny!

It’s just like you said, they don’t want to pay a dime more for anything than they have to.

My parents lived through the depression. They didn’t believe in being frivolous with money. Their motto was, “Save for a rainy day.”

Yet, oddly enough they gave to my brothers and it crippled them. I wish that mom would have told them no so they wouldn’t have been so careless with their money.

I never asked them for money. I always felt that I should pay my own way.

And even if you get things in order...
I have said before, my mom took out a LTC police 20 years ago. She faithfully paid the premiums. But I think her primary thinking had been to have it in case she ever developed AZ or suffered from a paralyzing stroke; she never considered other illnesses might necessitate placement. In the end, I was able to keep her at home through her CHF until she passed; but if she had survived much longer, I probably would have had to seriously consider placing her, because she was falling multiple times a day; and the lack of oxygen was wreaking havoc with her cognitive thinking and her memory. Toward the end, however, if the topic came up about her living situation needing change, she made it a point to say "I have to self-pay the first 3 months!!!" in an outraged voice. So I don't know how much of a fight it would have been if it had come to placing her; fortunately, I never was forced to have to have that battle.

While it is definitely a great idea to have all your caregiving ducks in a row to make nursing home placement easier, be prepared that it still might be a battle.

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