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II don't agree with rfhendricks at all!!!! If could do it all over again ,I would have insisted to my siblings that I get a weekly salary. They haven't done crap! It is a financial burden careing for my Mom had put a strain on my household income and not fair for my husband to carry the burden.

The weekly amount would have increased as her needs increased...
Helpful Answer (68)

Maybe this will help out if you look at it this way, the way a lawyer finally talked me into a contract, and it was the best thing I ever did. Suppose your parent with dementia/alz has been the best parent ever and out of 2 or more siblings only one did all the work. What if that one child moved the parent into their home, she struggled with putting her life on hold but wouldnt ever place her parent in a nursing home, she gave up years of their life making sure their parent had a wonderful life with someone with them taking the best care of them ever, and then the other sibling/s did nothing. Then...the parent dies. That parent owned a $300,000 home. So, should each child get their equal share of the estate when one did all the work? Its not your parents money you're actually earning/taking when you get paid for caregiving, its your siblings inheritence and if they wont help, they dont deserve their share. Do you people who think we should do it free know what 24/7 is, what agressive behavior is, what peeing on the floor is, what consoling a crying parent is, changing diapers, feeding and not being able to ever go out is like? Do you know what diapers, food, bed pads, medical supplies, clothing, shoes, wheelchairs and mattresses all cost? (just to name a few) How about hiring someone just so you can get groceries? What about the oil for heat which was usually on 62, now has to be on 72 degrees? What about the mounds of laundry we do and all the bleach and detergent over the years?
I had a caregivers contract and I did get paid and my parent's money ran out almost 3 years ago. Here I am still taking great care of my Mom, yes for free, and thats ok, but at least I know that everything I earned from her estate is now going right back to her for what she needs that I buy, but the sibling/s that did jack crap wont reep any benefits. If my parent lives to 100 I will continue to care for her, and yes for free, but as long as the lazy siblings dont get anything for doing nothing, I am okay with that. If after all of this my parent did have a home, I would be so upset that they got an equal share. I am glad the money is gone, to me, and right back to her. Hope this helps put it into perspective just a little. I think if we were rich we would hire fulltime help, but most of us arent, we just do it so our parent gets 100% one on one loving care. Cheers to all at home caretakers, I completely understand you all.
Helpful Answer (49)

Depends. Are you going to be doing it 24/7 for years and endless years? Then NO parent has enough to pay their kids as far as I'm concerned. Even $20 an hour is chump change in return. That's how I see it.
Helpful Answer (40)

If I were a millionaire, I would not consider taking any money for my Mom's care/room/board. However, realistically, what parents "spend" on raising children to 18 is completely different than caring for a parent, perhaps leaving your job, having to buy a larger home, adapting your house to accommodate their needs, to say nothing of the emotional strain on a marriage or relationship or just "life". As long as a child/children make sure their parents are safe, fed, medically cared for, and have shelter and are socially not neglected in any way, then who is anyone to judge a decision to "place" them? Please be kind when dealing with family and/or friends who are in that each his own.
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roseinwinter.. First of all, parents CHOSE to have children, not the other way around. Secondly, I was a self-employed single woman for 26 years, I bought my own condo and worked hard and paid the mortgage off in 10 years. I have 2 older sisters who live in different provinces. As of a year ago my mother was assessed and was told she needed live-in care. I am her POA and when she was told that she needed live in care, my sisters weren't jumping up and down offering to do the job. So, I gave up my clients, packed up clothes and important belongings, locked up my home, gave up my social life and have been caring for my mother every single day for the past year ..and .. there is no end in sight. Because I am her POA I know her financial situation and she is financially comfortable and can well afford to pay me a salary which I have NO PROBLEM taking GUILT FREE !! Why? .. Because why should I work for my mother for free and have her money pile up in the bank so all the other family members who are doing NOTHING for her reap the benefits of her bank account when she dies. No way.. not this daughter/caregiver, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. For all you caregivers who have given up your job and your life to care for your parents, if they have the money to pay you a salary .. TAKE IT.. you deserve every penny!
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Kudos, rthendricks, but in this day and age, to make ends meet, most of us need financial support to do this. I had to give up my job to stay home with my mom and I would not be able to do it if she didn't kick in. I don't consider it pay, rather room and board. To answer original post, I would consider what that person's share of the household expenses are and take it from there.
Helpful Answer (35)

@hendricks... Long ago, I had a very, very promising budding career in sales. I not only had the highest sales in the store, I had the highest sales in the whole damn region. My bosses bosses were taking notice. I had the potential to make a big, fat 6 figure income.

My mom's demand, yes, DEMAND, that I move in here and take care of her started and I resisted for almost, but not quite, a year and a half. I was free of her, I had a life, a home, a great career taking off at the time. The guilt trips got me in here. More fool me. My mom was a mean, abusive old bitch from my earliest memories. The last damn thing I wanted was to be trapped here, taking care of her. She acted like I OWED it to her.

I worked the first 5 years I was here as she didn't need 24/7 care at the time. She sucked me for the vast majority of every single paycheck I brought home. At tax time, she demanded the vast majority of that, too, and there was hell to pay if I resisted. I was responsible for paying the majority of the bills here, the housework, the yardwork, the shopping, the meals, you name it. She had a freaking free SLAVE, who paid HER for the privilege of slavery, and nothing was ever enough for her. The woman couldn't be satisfied. Those years were the worst of my whole life.

My mom has property, that if combined and sold would easily bring a half million or more. You think I'm walking away from all these years of servitude without a big, fat chunk of it? Think again. Oh, she put everything in my son's name, it all belongs to him. But I've let him know, just like I let her know, that if either one of them ever thought I'd leave that alone, they were both dreaming. I'll have mine in the end, bet on it. I didn't give up the money I could have made all these years for MYSELF just to be...nice. I gave it up at HER demand. Does she 'owe' me? Bet your sweet arse.

So what if the care giver is the adult child? You're damn right I put a price tag on my time, my efforts, my sacrifices, my LIFE, so many things I gave up...that was NOT free.

I did what I did for my mom in the end because of who I am, because I'm good like that. But walk away, after all I've given up for her, destitute? When hell freezes.
Helpful Answer (28)

This is a caregiver support group. We are here because we know how hard it is for each other, not to try to guilt people into doing what we feel is personally right. I don't know what is right for everybody. However, I know that caregivers often do not get the respect and help they need. It is sad to see that they can't even get it on a caregiver support group. I think it is far better to listen to individual circumstances than it is to make sweeping statements like the one above.
Helpful Answer (26)

This is a good but difficult question with emotions that run high on both sides of the subject. When I took on this responsibility I did it out of love and respect for my parents and relatives. I was proud of the fact that I was doing it out of love and there was no financial compensation. I was living off of my child's child support for all those years and now that has ceased.....let me tell you this is more than a challenge.

I have two siblings and one lives in the same house as my mother and I and I get no help. I am caregiver 24/7, housekeeper, laundress, cook, cleaning lady, gardener, dog walker, chauffeur, banker, legal other words I do EVERY THING THAT HAS TO BE DONE TO KEEP THIS HOUSE GOING! AND KEEP OUR LIVES GOING.

I make sure Mom goes to the doctor for her check ups but I haven't seen my gynecologist in 10 years, my dentist in over a year and only see my primary care doctor when I feel like I am dying, I didn't even know my respiratory doctor retired 3 years wonder I can't get an appointment!

I began caring for them out of love and hoped that I could save the money they had worked so hard to save themselves and perhaps when they passed there would be at least a small inheritance for my sisters and I.

But I am not working and making a salary, I have no 401K, no retirement, no longer paying into social security, so honestly I look at this and wonder what the heck did I ever think when I did this. I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot financially and why was I so worried about making sure my siblings and I had an inheritance when she passes......THEY ARE NOT HELPING ME CARE FOR MOM!

I am treated like the maid around here by the live in sister. She takes care of her room and bathroom but the rest of the house/property and all is left up to me. She has begun to purposely leave dirty dishes in the sink and recycling sitting on the counter, when I am washing clothes, all the sudden she needs the washer and uses it all day much washing can one person have????

I have honestly really been thinking about this lately and I am now ticked a bit at the way I am treated and the lack of help from anyone.....EVER! This has been happening this time for 7 years and I am tired of it. I too now think I should be paid a salary even if it's minimum wage!!!!

I do not think I would feel this way if I was getting help from the siblings but doing this alone makes me feel frustrated and angry with the situation. I too have decided to pay my 21 year old daughter to help me when I need it. She has done it for free but uses her car and gas and she is unemployed so I am not going to let her be taken advantage of any is bad enough that I am.

You may not agree with me and that is okay...this is MY opinion and my situation.
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I've discussed it with my older brother who lives across the street from my dad in another state. As far as I'm concerned, if he's willing, I'm all for his quitting his job and caring for dad when the time comes that dad should need more care. He now has an hourly wage job making 12.50 an hour. I see that as a fair amount for dad to pay him. Fortunately dad's in position to pay that amount, and my brother's willing to do it when the time comes so I say hurray! I'd never expect my brother to care for dad beyond what he's doing now (taking him to the store and Doctor appts and checking in on him daily) for free. When the time comes that dad needs enough care that my brother would need to quit his job to help, I'm all for his getting paid.
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