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II don't agree with rfhendricks at all!!!! If could do it all over again ,I would have insisted to my siblings that I get a weekly salary. They haven't done crap! It is a financial burden careing for my Mom had put a strain on my household income and not fair for my husband to carry the burden.

The weekly amount would have increased as her needs increased...
Helpful Answer (77)

I think many grow up in a house where parents refused the responsibilities of
parenting. I myself became my mother's care taker around age 7. She had
some sort of early onset dementia and paranoia, was very abusive and combative.
My job was to keep her calmed down, away from neighbors, do the chores for her,
house repairs, keep her entertained and be her emotional dumping ground so my dad
could enjoy his life. I began paying for myself at age 17 and several years before then had to couch surf and work as a domestic for various families when mom became too
violent for me to remain in home.

I'm not alone with this type of tale. These types of parents are also in need of care
when they age. Often they will put the greatest demand upon their adult children.
I helped out in an emergency or two and years later have been wrung out by all the
chaos and demands of one health crisis after the other with my aging narcissistic parent.

While I don't pay myself, I do reimburse myself for out of pocket expenses for travel,etc
that are specifically for his care. And I do put in sometimes weeks at a time with his
care. And sometimes many hours a week with logistics, bills, care coordination, equipment, etc. Sometimes more. Of course, I'm not compensated for this either.
And mounting doctors bills from injury are also on my dime as well as loss of income
from many missed opportunities. Don't even know how you can calculate any of this
it's just lost in the mix.

Folks that think adult children should do in home care for years for free or pay for some or all of parents care when they can afford to pay for it themselves really miss the point. Some folks saddled their children with debt starting out as adults--with PTSD, with learned dysfunction, with zero connections, with terribly out of touch expectations to make everyone happy, with poor health, with spotty education. We've already paid the price several times over by the time we're adult children. By care giving during child hood, by paying for our own care during adult hood to recover from the dysfunction. And then again when our dysfunctional parents need care as they age. We may be willing to provide care, but we need to be careful that we are not left high and dry in the process. For those providing care at home in a number of situations, compensation
from family or estate is a no brainer.

For all of you who had great parents, that sacrificed for you and let you have a
childhood that led to your successful happy life. I truly understand and applaude
your gratitude. Please be understanding that some of us are acting from duty and
are often still impoverished from the long standing effects of our earlier rounds of care giving during childhood. and early adulthood.
Helpful Answer (67)

Maybe this will help out if you look at it this way, the way a lawyer finally talked me into a contract, and it was the best thing I ever did. Suppose your parent with dementia/alz has been the best parent ever and out of 2 or more siblings only one did all the work. What if that one child moved the parent into their home, she struggled with putting her life on hold but wouldnt ever place her parent in a nursing home, she gave up years of their life making sure their parent had a wonderful life with someone with them taking the best care of them ever, and then the other sibling/s did nothing. Then...the parent dies. That parent owned a $300,000 home. So, should each child get their equal share of the estate when one did all the work? Its not your parents money you're actually earning/taking when you get paid for caregiving, its your siblings inheritence and if they wont help, they dont deserve their share. Do you people who think we should do it free know what 24/7 is, what agressive behavior is, what peeing on the floor is, what consoling a crying parent is, changing diapers, feeding and not being able to ever go out is like? Do you know what diapers, food, bed pads, medical supplies, clothing, shoes, wheelchairs and mattresses all cost? (just to name a few) How about hiring someone just so you can get groceries? What about the oil for heat which was usually on 62, now has to be on 72 degrees? What about the mounds of laundry we do and all the bleach and detergent over the years?
I had a caregivers contract and I did get paid and my parent's money ran out almost 3 years ago. Here I am still taking great care of my Mom, yes for free, and thats ok, but at least I know that everything I earned from her estate is now going right back to her for what she needs that I buy, but the sibling/s that did jack crap wont reep any benefits. If my parent lives to 100 I will continue to care for her, and yes for free, but as long as the lazy siblings dont get anything for doing nothing, I am okay with that. If after all of this my parent did have a home, I would be so upset that they got an equal share. I am glad the money is gone, to me, and right back to her. Hope this helps put it into perspective just a little. I think if we were rich we would hire fulltime help, but most of us arent, we just do it so our parent gets 100% one on one loving care. Cheers to all at home caretakers, I completely understand you all.
Helpful Answer (53)

If I were a millionaire, I would not consider taking any money for my Mom's care/room/board. However, realistically, what parents "spend" on raising children to 18 is completely different than caring for a parent, perhaps leaving your job, having to buy a larger home, adapting your house to accommodate their needs, to say nothing of the emotional strain on a marriage or relationship or just "life". As long as a child/children make sure their parents are safe, fed, medically cared for, and have shelter and are socially not neglected in any way, then who is anyone to judge a decision to "place" them? Please be kind when dealing with family and/or friends who are in that each his own.
Helpful Answer (50)

I am going through a VERY difficult time with my soon to be 92 mother. I am exhausted. I have a part time caregiver come in 30 hrs a week. Then when I get home from work. Its my 2nd full time job. My eldest brother was her caregiver and passed away 8 months ago. He was not taking care of himself and died at 59. Now I have taken the responsibility with no help from my other brother. I am glad to see I am not alone in this situation. But, my mother has some money. Not a lot.. but she will not pay me a cent. She would rather give it to my unemployed recovering alcoholic brother. What am I missing here? Even when we all lived at home as young adults. My dad died when I was 21 and we all had to pitch in. Being the only girl, my mother's expectations were quite high. I worked 40 hrs a week, went to night school and had to tend to the household chores and grocery shopping. I gave my mother $$ every week. My brothers gave her money when they felt like it. SO now she is living in my living room. She is acting like Driving Miss Daisy... but worse. She thinks she is acting absolutely fine. My support system is my fabulous husband and daughter. But. this is the hardest and saddest time of my life. I love my mother.. but nothing prepares you for this. I still need help. In the process of getting IHSS provider. Thanks for listening.
Helpful Answer (48)

Depends. Are you going to be doing it 24/7 for years and endless years? Then NO parent has enough to pay their kids as far as I'm concerned. Even $20 an hour is chump change in return. That's how I see it.
Helpful Answer (45)

I have had the care of my elderly and dependent parents for years. But it really wasn't my parents that I was charging. I was charging their estate. I have siblings who live near by and my parents' estate is left to us in equal shares.

My siblings love my parents and, of course, have a moral obligation to care for them, too. However, they travel, go to parties, visit their kids, remodel their homes, have friends over. And why not? Their parents are being cared for in a lovely, loving home---the care takers (my husband and I) never leave, are always there for the doctor's visits, and forego entertainment events. Hmmm. That sounds like they owe me a debt, both one of gratitude and one of finance. And that debt, really isn't paid in full by that room and board expenditure (nowhere, not even in the ballpark, near it), but at least it's not a runaway train. I wonder if my siblings even recognize their obligation because I never, ever hear one word of thanks.
Helpful Answer (45)

I have taken care of my grandma for 7 years now!!!! Within the last year, I had to quit my job and financially, spiritually, and emotionally go through the ringer caring for her. Now I have a son and obligations, but my grandma and her brother POA don't seem to think I should get paid for taking caring of her. I seriously don't want to ask for money, but how do I provide for my son and take care of grandma!!! They don't care and she has the funds to.
Helpful Answer (45)

roseinwinter.. First of all, parents CHOSE to have children, not the other way around. Secondly, I was a self-employed single woman for 26 years, I bought my own condo and worked hard and paid the mortgage off in 10 years. I have 2 older sisters who live in different provinces. As of a year ago my mother was assessed and was told she needed live-in care. I am her POA and when she was told that she needed live in care, my sisters weren't jumping up and down offering to do the job. So, I gave up my clients, packed up clothes and important belongings, locked up my home, gave up my social life and have been caring for my mother every single day for the past year ..and .. there is no end in sight. Because I am her POA I know her financial situation and she is financially comfortable and can well afford to pay me a salary which I have NO PROBLEM taking GUILT FREE !! Why? .. Because why should I work for my mother for free and have her money pile up in the bank so all the other family members who are doing NOTHING for her reap the benefits of her bank account when she dies. No way.. not this daughter/caregiver, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. For all you caregivers who have given up your job and your life to care for your parents, if they have the money to pay you a salary .. TAKE IT.. you deserve every penny!
Helpful Answer (43)

Kudos, rthendricks, but in this day and age, to make ends meet, most of us need financial support to do this. I had to give up my job to stay home with my mom and I would not be able to do it if she didn't kick in. I don't consider it pay, rather room and board. To answer original post, I would consider what that person's share of the household expenses are and take it from there.
Helpful Answer (41)

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