Deleting account- sharing my experiences with all of you has left me drained.

Thank you Xrayjodib!! Thank you for your thoughtful comment!! I appreciate it so much. Yes, I need this forum very much. I’m glad I decided to stay!!

Elaine,

Totally understand!!

Thank you for your heads up on grieving our narcissistic LOs!!
That's very insightful and very much appreciated!!
I'll miss your thoughtful insight. You've truly been a huge help to me!!

God bless you!!😘

Just saw that you decided to stay!
You're insight is always on point!

I left my original response, because it's heartfelt!!🤗

Chriscat, thank you for your support. I think when a post goes to discussion instead of “questions “ a lot of times people miss it. I usually don’t even go to the discussion thread. I’m glad you found me!! I’ll have to try that exercise. I don’t have a big family or large circle of friends either.

I’m still working full time so there are people I can interact with on a daily basis. Thank you so much for your suggestion and your support.

Elaine, how did I miss this post of yours, and the thread that followed? You don’t have to stay, you don’t have to go. Just do what you need to do, when you need to do it, and don’t give yourself such a hard time. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist, it should help you unravel these thoughts and emotions you are getting swamped with. One exercise my therapist asked me to do was to draw a series of concentric circles, like the cross section of an onion. I then had to fill this in with all the people who could support me, starting with the most important in the centre - in my case my DH and son, and then working outwards with people who had a less central role in my life. What was revealing was that as I worked through it, it became apparent that I had far more support than I had ever realised - not just family and friends, and the therapist, but people in my wider sphere such as the people I knew from my regular swimming sessions, my neighbours, my what’s app groups, and also the people on this forum. It made me realise that support comes in many forms - it can even just be a regular “hello” to someone you pass by on the street everyday, in this case a simple feeling of connection with another person. After I’d finished the exercise it was really comforting to look at my support network in this way. I’m not the sort of person who has a huge group of close friends, nor do I have a large family, but it was surprising to see that I had more support than I realised. Sometimes if I am feeling low I might look at this finished exercise again, and maybe connect with just one person in the circles, just to boost my mood again. It is quite effective. Maybe this would work for you?

Polarbear thank you for your comment. I feel like I am still in limbo. No closure yet with her house still hanging over my head. We are suppose to close on moms house on April 22nd.

Also, we didn’t have a funeral for my mom. She was cremated and we are having a memorial for her on Memorial Day weekend. We rent a cabin every year on Memorial Day weekend so we are getting together with family then. My husband and I will be fully vaccinated by then. I’m going for my second shot next Saturday.

elaine - you can take leave from this site anytime you need and come back whenever you want.

Take care of yourself. I am glad you're getting help from your therapist.

And thanks for the warning about the pain after the NM passes away. My mother is not a NM, but I suspect I might feel some emptiness and the hole you mentioned after she's gone. From time to time, some posters have mentioned that, too.

I am so happy you are staying on the forum. Your post must have been an earlier one. I also sent you a private message. Sorry for the screw up, Elaine. Glad your back, indeed.

Early bird, I decided to stay on the forum. I missed everyone and realized I needed this forum to help me through grief. Thank you.

Needhelpwithmom, I’m so sorry your mom lost everything in hurricane Katrina. That must have been devastating!! I’m so sorry to hear that!!

Yes, we quickly got my moms house cleaned out in 10 days. We had a lot of friends to help. I felt we were pressed for time because I eventually had to go back to work and my brother eventually had to go back home to his family. So we were on a time schedule. We gave ourselves 2 weeks but glad it was all done in 10 days.

Elaine,

I still can’t believe that you emptied out your mom’s house so quickly.

My mom had accumulated lots of things but wasn’t a hoarder. Hurricane Katrina destroyed all of her belongings.

The house couldn’t be restored. Nine feet of water. Someone built a new home on the land.

Memories are sometimes beautiful and sometimes haunting.

The best to you, Elaine. I will miss you. God bless you always. Big hug.

Thank you so much for your comments Needhelpwithmom and daughterof1930. I know the owners are so anxious to move in and paint the outside of the house.

I definitely will drive by and see the house when it’s all painted.

Needhelpwithmom, thinking of you during this difficult time with your mom now in hospice. How is your mom doing? Is she still able to talk to you?

Elaine, I know what you mean about the house and I wish you peace through the closing. After my dad died I stayed in his house alone for about a week. I donated loads of clothing and household goods, got a lot done, but it was soooo quiet and unreal without him being there, lots of tears. One day my husband came and took me to a local hotel for a night, may seem strange but I was so desperate to just look at a different set of walls. Our family has so many great memories of the house. Something that’s helped since then is seeing that a young couple has bought the house and has the chance to create their own memories there. I rode by at Christmas and saw it far more decorated than it had been in years. That did my heart good. Peace and comfort....

Elaine,

I understand that. There are emotional reactions to places.

Also, memories may fade somewhat at times but they are a part of us. They never go away. You wouldn’t want to lose all memories, especially the good memories.

It takes awhile before our feelings settle. Your mom’s death is still fresh and it has stirred a wide range of memories and emotions.

I know what a good person you are. You will utilize all of your memories, pleasant and unpleasant to help others.

We are blessed to have you on this forum.

Glad that you are closing on the house soon!

Needhelpwithmom, thank you so much!!! Grief is hard and it catches me off guard sometimes.

I had to check on my mothers house today. I went by myself and went inside. I did start crying. There were a lot of good times and memories in that house.

We are closing on the house on April 22nd.

Elaine,

Grief is so hard. It comes in waves. Some are gentle and some knock us off of our feet!

Glad that you feel a bit better. Cry on our shoulders anytime you need to.

We care so very much.

I missed all of you so much!!! Thank you. I did just come back on another post saying do you forgive me? I asked to come back. I need all of you so much!!

I was having a pity party for myself last week. I was being so selfish!!

I realize that the only way I can help myself is by helping others. I never meant to turn my back on any of you in your time of need. You all were there for me in my time of need!!

I am talking to my therapist tomorrow but in the meantime I need all of you!!!

Thank you from Dinzel.I am being helped here.I am in rural Australia and there is a nine month wait to see a Psychiatrist unless an inpatient.I know there will be a hole as you stated.I think I have already got one from the loss of my birth morher.People are genuinely trying to help but I guess it is very hard.I wish you only the best.I have thought often of the connection between narcissism and dementia and how it must be when a narcissist gets old.The inheritance is all they have left to manipulate or control you with!All the very best.

I want to thank you personally for sharing & I wish you well for the future.

It is only right to let go what no longer serves you in a practical or supportive way. Many are helped by group sharing, but some find it drains them instead. Others may find it useful for a time, but then time to leave.

Boundary setting is so important, setting our own limits. Well done for choosing yours, cheers 🥂

Juse to add:you constantly adhered to your mother's wishes difficult as they were. I trust you will bring that up in therapy. You couldn't change her specific ways just as I cannot change a lifetime of my mother's choices. She went out as I imagined was best for her under the circumstances. She lived a long life. It was her time as it will be for all of us that one day.

I am so sorry to see you go. Your posts stood out. I always felt greatly for you.

You should do what you feel is best for you. This site has been a savior for me. I feel greatly less alone and more understood with it in my life. There is so much more help I find here than I do amongst my family, well meaning as they are.

I understand what you are saying about the passing of your mother. I am very saddened by my mother's present state yet it is hard to imagine her no longer in this life. I would like her life with great limitations to not feel burdensome to HER. I wish you the best and hope you find the right help for yourself.

Elaine, sorry to see you go. Your experiences have been very helpful to so many.

Take care of you, get the help you need. You will always be welcome here if you ever want to return.

I can imagine things are not roses at first. First comes all the emotional baggage that collects over the years. Therapy and counseling helps to unload. Eventaully, once we unload the negative stuff, we can move forward.

I wish you inner peace and happiness.

I think that the only ease in grief is when all issues are resolved and there is only love left, only recognition that we are there for one another and whatever our failings are attempting to help. You could never have that with your Mom, Elaine. So you have to make your own peace with your own self.
I am so glad to hear that you are seeing someone. THAT is the best choice you could make for yourself.
And if leaving now is right for you I am so thrilled you are able to take that step; I believe you are so wonderful to tell us goodbye, and not just disappear. I almost never come to "discussions" anymore because for a while they were more arguments than discussions. I am thankful I came today and saw your message.
I think you have so much to contribute to others with such a difficult loved one, but the truth is that, if it is triggering and not helpful for YOU, then it is all wrong for you to do. And YOU are my concern.
I will always believe you did what you could in a very difficult situation. But until you are at peace with that my believe means zero.
I wish you the very best. It has been our privilege to know you, I think.

May you receive an abundance of peace in your heart as you move onward and upward!

I'm glad that you figured out when enough was enough. That takes a lot of wisdom and discernment. I wish you only life's best, and pray that you will once again find joy in the simple things. God bless you.

God bless you, Elaine!

Elaine, I’m so sorry for your grief and sadness. You’ve been a big help here, I wish you the best in healing and finding a positive life going forward

Elaine, when you are in a better place mentally, emotionally continue to share what you have learned with others. Either here or with people that you have conversations with.
We are a combination of all the experiences that we have in life. Some of that is Joy, some Pain but all of it makes us who we are.
Thank you for your contributions here.
((hugs))

((((((Hugs))))))), Elaine. Wishing for all good things for you!

(((Hugs))) Elaine, I hope you move on to a have a wonderful life.